the bro had been telling people, that ds is not dh's.Christmas night her ear texting dh,v calling me insulting names, he didn't invite us to his dd christening, he is very spiteful, he's told loads lof lies about me...
tonight, myself and dh have argued, because he says he would be there for his brother if he needed him. I've took offence, because, after what he's said about me, I find it difficult to understand why dh would still want to be there for him - had it been my family saying hurtful things about dh, I would be seriously pissed off.
I have had wine, so understand if my view is screwed, hence asking you lovely lot.
Your adults he gets to make that choice for him and you get to make it for you as long as neither expect the other to go along with personal choice or join in with it there is nothing wrong with making a different choice.
I think that your DH should support you and defend you. He's already fallen out with his brother.
However, there are special circumstances (death/illness) that sometimes people need to set aside their differences for the moment and help each other out. I think this is along the lines of what your DH is thinking of.
Your poor DH, like all abuse victims (his brother is abusive) wants the person to stop being abusive and love him. That's all he meant. You are not helping by being a self-righteous whinyarse about it.
I'm with missymoo, it's not fair to make him choose. Everyone has a tolerance level where they are willing to forgive / get past things and you've reached yours which is fair enough. But don't make your DH feel guilty for trying to be the bigger person with his brother.
I would expect my DH to be on my side and to defend me if his DB had bad mouthed me with no good reason. Without question.
When my DS said something wholly un-called for about DH (she IS a PITA to everyone) I defended him immediately as he had done nothing wrong. It was a nasty personal comment; he had done nothing 'to' her to warrant name-calling.
He 'chose' me when he decided to marry and start a family with me.
His DB needs to be put in his place unless there is a good reason for why your BIL is being a PITA? What piece of the puzzle are we missing here, if any?