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To be really stressed and f***ed off with MIL

(8 Posts)
DanielSan Fri 17-May-13 09:41:13

My MIL can be wonderful, and has been very good to us in the past, so feel a bit like a two faced witch saying this, but...

My DS was born 2 weeks ago, and I have been finding it really really difficult. I slipped a disc in my back 3 weeks ago, and can hardly walk. Feel so inadequate, like I can't look after my own son, I can rarely get through the day without crying. Am just about coping and no more. He's such a good baby, sometimes I think he deserves a lot better than me as a mum. My DH has been absolutely amazing, but he's going back to work next week, and my Mum has been helping and has just been fantastic too, but she's not well herself, and is off work at the moment, but will eventually be going back too. Am absolutely terrified about how I'm going to cope when Mum and my DH go back to work. Basically, my MIL has shown next to no interest in my DS, apart from bragging about him on facebook and being passive - aggressively huffy when she talks to me or comparing him unfavourably to her other, 3 months older and apparently vastly superior grandson. She never asks how I am or seems to be that interested, I think she thinks I'm making a fuss. She's also started being overly clingy with DH, she's taken to buying him underwear and socks, and took him for a haircut the other day (!!!!!!) - he's 25 FFS, plus, I'm his wife!!! If he can't buy his own underwear, the only person who should be buying it for him is me!!!! Had an absolutely horrendous evening with DS last night - screaming, purple, rigid, the works. In the middle of this epic tantrum (the first time I've been totally alone with DS, it was a big deal for me to prove I could look after him without help, and am not a useless rubbish Mum), MIL phones to ask about corsages for a wedding we're going to on Monday (a whole other story in itself). Itold her DS was kicking off, could I talk to her about it another time, she basically ignored me, said, "yeah, they do that" and carried on talking to me at great length about orchids and the exact shade of purple I wanted (for the wedding of my DH'S cousin, who he hasn't seen since he was about 5). We're really struggling to cope, and MIL just isn't interested at all. I feel quite hurt, if I'm honest, I thought we were close, and have posted before about how great she is.

Just saw how long this post is, sorry, but AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Just feel under so much stress at the moment, feel like I'm close to breaking point and MIL is just not helping at all.

ZillionChocolate Fri 17-May-13 09:47:26

1. You are not a rubbish mum.

2. This will get better.

3. Is it worth saying to MIL, whether on the phone, or by text/email "if you have any time this week, we could really do with X" and assign her a job? She's clearly got time on her hands so maybe give her an opportunity to be useful, rather than buying pants. If your baby is screaming, you're not obliged to answer the phone. You need to be selfish and do what's best for the 3 of you.

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 17-May-13 09:51:32

Bless you. I don't know for sure but have found that the maternal gp tend to be more hands on- can only speak for people I know. After I have birth I had SI joint problems I could hardly walk felt like a total failure had my mum and family helping me out all day every day while oh was at work honesty could not have done it without them. My inlaws weren't involved at all not sure why but as horrible as it sounds if you don't expect anything them you won't be disapointed

Doubtfuldaphne Fri 17-May-13 09:51:55

Poor you. It's stressful enough having a new baby and your hormones are all over the place. Little things that you could've shrugged off before now seem like massive problems and lack of sleep doesn't help.
In my experience its the MiL's job to be like this and maybe she doesn't even realise or remember how hard it is in those first few weeks.
I would get your dh to have a serious word with her as she may be more willing to listen to her son than you unfortunately. Surely your dh can understand how tough it is for you at the moment? He needs to tell her.
Just try to get through each day as it comes and remember it will get easier. There's nothing wrong with asking for help either - don't feel like you have to prove anything to anyone.. It is hard with a new baby let alone with a slipped disc!

Wishfulmakeupping Fri 17-May-13 09:53:24

And to add once your back is better everything else will seem a lot better I was teary on a daily basis when I was struggling around and could hardly pick dd up I was I some much pain- once your feel better in yourself your confidence will come. You sound like you're doing great btw

wishingchair Fri 17-May-13 09:54:06

OK. You have a 2 week old baby. It is very hard/scary/overwhelming. Plus you have serious back issues and are also recovering from birth. And your hormones are literally all over the place. You need to take yourself and DS to bed/sofa and stay there. Get everything you need around you ... drinks, snacks, nappies, remote control, book ... and literally veg. You will cope and you are coping. Massively lower your expectations on what you will get done in the day ... limit it to get up at some point, maybe get dressed, feed and change baby, eat and drink stuff.

MILs ... mine is lovely but can be so frustrating at times. I remember DD1 was crying and I was trying to settle her and her cries were literally penetrating every part of my body. Felt like my ears were bleeding. And MIL was carrying on chatting to me about her neighbour. I wanted to scream. But you know what, I find I do the same now. DD1 is now 10, and I'll happily chat away to friends and their babies are crying because yes they do cry! It doesn't mean I don't care or love their babies or them. I guess you just get used to it. To give her the benefit of the doubt, her life hasn't just changed as drastically as you and DH's has, and maybe she wanted to stay out of the way whilst your mum was there. So I wouldn't worry about her not being interested. Ask her specifically to come over and give you a hand. She may be itching to help. Re: the socks! Maybe she thought helping DH was helpful to both of you. Maybe him becoming a dad has rekindled her own maternal feelings towards him ... 25's not that old. I have 23 year old nephews and happily mother them smile

Congratulations BTW. This early stage is wonderful but totally overwhelming ... much love x

quoteunquote Fri 17-May-13 09:57:37

You do know that apart from everything else your hormones are messing with your head, they magnify everything,

You are doing brilliantly, your son is thriving, and don't go to a wedding if it feels like an effort, say I am too ill to go, sorry.

Have you told MiL you need some practical help, specify exactly what you need in the way of support.

Good luck you will be fine.

RiotsNotDiets Fri 17-May-13 09:59:42

Babies are bloody hard work, I don't think anyone ever quite understands what's coming. I felt totally out of my depth too, you're not the only person to feel like this I promise, in fact I'd bet there isn't one new parent who hasn't felt like it!!

Make sure you have everything you need in the bedroom, nappies, wipes, bottles if you are ff, ask DH to make you a packed lunch when he's not there and stay in bed. Newborns are perfectly happy to lounge around in bed all day as long as they are with their mum and with a slipped disc and only 2 weeks since giving birth you need your rest too. You could take the laptop so you can watch some DVD's/iplayer stuff if you want, that's what I did when my exH went back to work, was so much more relaxing and enjoyable than trying to keep up with the housework/go out/see people. They honestly do grow up so fast, make the most of it now and sod what your MIL thinks.

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