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AIBU to expect not to be treated like a pariah at hospital pregnancy unit

(21 Posts)
AliBingo Thu 16-May-13 18:10:00

just because I had a termination for medical reasons?

Termination was back in March and was utterly devastating.

Anyway had follow-up appointment yesterday and midwife looked embarrassed when I turned up and told me that they were busy, yep that's fine I said, "oh but we have lots of pregnant ladies here" she said, and suggested I sit in the counselling room (where I had been counselled, and began the abortion process, back in March).

As far as I know fetal abnormalities aren't catching. She said I would find it too upsetting being in the waiting room with pregnant ladies.

AIBU to have felt like a bit of a leper?!

In the end I left as they told me they were running two hours late. But I still feel a bit annoyed/upset by it so thought I'd rant on here.

She was probably trying to be kind/sensitive but it made me feel a bit shit to be singled out like that.

LadyFlumpalot Thu 16-May-13 18:13:42

I can see both sides here. I miscarried in November last year and when I was sent from A+E over to EPU to be scanned to make sure there was nothing left I had to sit on the waiting room with all the happy, excited pregnant ladies waiting for dating/20 week scans. That properly sucked. I expect the midwife was worried for you.

Vividmemories Thu 16-May-13 18:13:57

Uh no YABU. She was being sensitive, probably beyond what she had to do. In your position I'd likely not want to be sat in a room full of happy pregnant women.

NewAtThisMalarky Thu 16-May-13 18:14:23

I have seen complaints by people that have lost their babies be ause they have to sit with pregnant people in the waiting room, saying it's really difficult to be there.

I think she was being thoughtful and considerate. In this case it may have been misplaced (it sounds like you are dealing with being around pregnant people well), but she was trying to do what she thought was best for you.

I think yab a little u, but I totally understand why.

CruCru Thu 16-May-13 18:15:34

I'm sorry to hear about your loss - it sounds like an upsetting decision to have had to make.

Possibly she acted in this way because women in a similar position have said they found it upsetting being surrounded by pregnant women.

loofet Thu 16-May-13 18:16:55

Ah yabu.

I can see where she was coming from and i'm certain she wasn't singling you out, she probably does the same for all women who have had a termination or miscarried because as she said, sitting in a room full of pregnant women probably isn't where you want to be two months after you lost your baby. Makes sense. She was trying to protect you from further hurt I think, I don't think any malice was intended.

Sorry for your loss though flowers

podgymumma Thu 16-May-13 18:17:18

Sorry for your loss but YABU. I didn't want to sit with pregnant people at the EPU after my loss so i'm surprised you did. She was doing the right thing in my opinion.

AliBingo Thu 16-May-13 18:17:58

Should have said, this wasn't the regular pregnancy unit, but the problem pregnancy section.

Yeah I guess she was being nice but she was pretty OTT and seemed adamant that I'd be upset being near pregnant people, just made me feel a bit of a leper, or like she thought I was going to cause a scene or something.

And I really didn't feel that the counselling room where I had had such a distressing time several months ago was a very nice alternative.

Still, feels nice to have a moan on here!

idiot55 Thu 16-May-13 18:18:44

she was just trying to be sensitive, Ive been in a similar position and would have preferred to sit on my onw, but everyone is differnt, maybe she should just have asked what you wanted to do?

AliBingo Thu 16-May-13 18:20:01

Thanks for the nice replies. Sorry for your loss LadyFlumpalot.

I guess I have had to get used to pregnant women again pdq as my best mate is preggers, she's 3 months ahead of what I would have been, so have been around her bump lots plus helping pick out baby stuff etc. So maybe i am unusual. I see what you all mean though now, thanks.

AliBingo Thu 16-May-13 18:20:48

idiot55 yes I think I would rather have been offered the choice rather than told what is best and why, and how I was feeling (hate when people tell you how you are feeling!)

pigletmania Thu 16-May-13 18:21:53

Yabvu she was trying to be thoughtful and sensitive. I have had 2 mc and i would be sensitive having to sit with other pregnant women

LadyFlumpalot Thu 16-May-13 18:22:43

Very sorry for your loss too AliBingo. I think it is very hard for the doctors to know what is best, maybe they should have asked you what you would prefer.

pigletmania Thu 16-May-13 18:24:22

Sorry op big hugs to you and a brew and flowers I was trying in a rush

SarahAndFuck Thu 16-May-13 18:25:57

She was probably trying to be kind.

Sometimes though, it's very hard for people to do the right thing. Losing a child is so 'wrong' that for some people nothing is 'right' even when people are trying to be sensitive.

Lots of people in your situation would have found sitting with those pregnant women upsetting, but lots would also feel as you did, that you were being singled out because of your loss.

And hospitals are often criticised as being insensitive when they do ask people who have lost a baby to use the same waiting rooms or wards as people who are still pregnant or who have just given birth.

I've lost two babies, and felt both ways, sometimes that people were treating me as though my loss was catching in some way or that they were being insensitive by not allowing me to sit apart.

I can remember sitting in the dentists waiting room, three weeks after our son was stillborn, getting more and more distressed because there was a woman with a newborn next to me and the dentist was running late. After half an hour of watching this woman play with and fuss over her baby I left in tears.

They couldn't be expected to provide a separate area at the dentists office, which doesn't deal directly with pregnancy, but at least your pregnancy unit are trying to be sensitive to feelings after loss.

Sadly it's just such a cruel sort of loss that sometimes nothing is right. It is hard to be "the woman whose baby died" and deal with all that that throws at you, but in this case she was probably trying to protect you rather than judge you for having a TFMR and single you out.

LilacBreastedRoller Thu 16-May-13 18:26:57

I'm glad someone is being sensitive about these matters, but having lost a child myself I totally understand your irritation at someone presuming to know what you would or wouldn't find difficult. I have also faced waiting room situations which some people find very upsetting and not been too troubled. Other things might be very difficult for me or you, and not for others. Ideally she should have just asked what you preferred.

Feeling like you've been chucked out of the motherhood club because you were unlucky can be very hard. I'm so sorry you lost your baby flowers.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 16-May-13 18:29:11

I think she was doing what she thought was best.

What would be even better, is to ask you where you wanted to wait.

AliBingo Thu 16-May-13 18:31:25

Thanks for the replies.

I am very lucky to have a lovely DD 10 months, and this thread has made me think actually, and I am thinking it would be more sensitive of me not to have her with me if I have to go back there ever (because the clinic is for pregnant ladies with problems and potentially some have sadly lost their babies).

DD was with OH on this occasion luckily.

TigerSwallowTail Thu 16-May-13 18:31:26

Yabu, when I mc I found it horrible to have to sit in the waiting room with other happily pregnant women. It's really great that you feel comfortable enough to not let that affect you but the MW was trying to be sensitive to your feelings. You could perhaps next time say that you're fine with sitting with the other women in the waiting room though, as otherwise she won't know that you're ok with it all.

Sorry you had to have a termination.

Startail Thu 16-May-13 18:48:06

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure she was trying to do the right thing. I know back in the dark ages when I had DD1 there was no such thing as an early pregnancy unit.

Everyone, waiting for scans were all mixed together. Clearly seeing someone brandishing a scan pic, when you'd just heard you'd miscarried again was not nice.

One of my DF was in the patients committee and she said how often people praised one lovely midwife for trying to make better arrangements for women who's news wasn't positive.

The same midwife also made a point of preventing the consultants escaping and just leaving everyone in limbo.

INeedSomeSun Thu 16-May-13 18:49:25

Sorry for your loss OP.

I feel that it is the whole system that needs to be changed, which would take some thought by the management.

For example, could they not hold a separate clinic one morning a week for people in these situations? Or have the check in a different part of the hospital?More sensitive solutions could be found if someone could be bothered to implement them.

I had a missed miscarriage 3 years ago. After they gave me the bad news it was like they didn't know what to do. I had to wait over an hour for a consultant in the private room & just felt like an unusual case.
Well it is not unusual to have a miscarriage at all. Noone I know who has gone through this has been happy with the way they were dealt with. But because it is such a difficult time, most people won't say anything about it.
Maybe MN could start a campaign...

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