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To be hurt by being told maybe I should have had an abortion?!

(79 Posts)
MargeSimpsonsSecretWig Wed 15-May-13 21:32:28

Name changed in case this outs me.

Just had a conversation with a family member. I confided in them that I was struggling a bit and was considering scrimping together enough money to send dd to nursery a morning a week or considering ignoring health issues to get a job so that I could have a breather for a bit from just being "mummy". Family member said (quite snottily) that they'd never wanted to leave their children so they couldn't advise me on looking for a nursery or on making that decision as they'd chosen to run the house while their kids were young (despite the fact that they work in childcare so probably see a lot of parents like me so could easily advise me). I pointed out that I'm a single mum so its slightly different having no one to help money or just being there wise. They then said I chose to have my dd (she was a surprise baby) and maybe I should have had an abortion instead.

I'm really hurt and upset that this was her response to me confiding that I was struggling. That maybe I shouldn't have had my daughter. I feel like a crap mum too for needing a break because of the way she emphasised her words when she said that she never wanted to leave her dc's with anyone else. I feel like I can't confide in this person anymore either or ask for advice about dd anymore.

Sorry if this didnt make sense I just feel really sad. AIBU to be hurt or am I being too sensitive?

TimidLivid Wed 15-May-13 21:35:52

This person sounds not very nice . Lots of people work and go out without their children. Look up local nurseries and playgroups and childminders and see what's out there

BonaDrag Wed 15-May-13 21:36:05

They're a wanker. You do what you need to do.
YANBU to be hurt but you should not confide in this person ever again.

herladyship Wed 15-May-13 21:36:54


what a horrible thing to say sad

All parents struggle at some point, I had a stage when DS was about 15 where I'd have sold him to highest bidder!

There's nothing wrong with needing a break & some support thanks

HazleNutt Wed 15-May-13 21:37:28

they said that you should have had an abortion because you need a break one morning per week??? shock shock
Of course you're not too sensitive. What a twat.

Triumphoveradversity Wed 15-May-13 21:37:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EcoRI Wed 15-May-13 21:38:14

Ignore. Some people are wankers.

5madthings Wed 15-May-13 21:38:48

Yanbu your family member was very very unreasonable tho!

If you feel like you need a break have a look at local.nurseries/childminders etc. Your local coucil should have a list or if you go to any mum and baby groups ask for recomendations. Your hv may be able to offer a list or help as well.

BarbarianMum Wed 15-May-13 21:39:10

Are you kidding??? What an awful, needlessly unpleasant and totally unhelpful thing to say to anyone, in any situation. YANBU at all to be upset, but I really recommend getting angry instead.

I am sorry that you are struggling. It is not uncommon because children are really hard work. Is there anyone else you can talk to (someone with a heart and a better connection between their brain and their mouth, perhaps)?

Hashtagwhatever Wed 15-May-13 21:41:03

How awful

I guessing although family member works in childcare, they dont have dc of their own??

Till you do, there is no contemplating how hard it can be at times.

Dont let a shit comment get you down.

FannyBazaar Wed 15-May-13 21:42:00

Everyone has a different breaking point and for some of us it can be a struggle with one child and no time off, others thrive on having loads of kids. TBH if they love being with kids so much I can't fathom out why they feel the need to be concerned that someone else needs a day off. Perhaps these super mums are just jealous for not seeking a day off when they really wanted one.

If you need a break to make you a better mum then push for it. I found being a working mum so much easier! Before that, I struggled with being a SAHM to one DS. Apparently my MIL never had a night off for over 5 years when hers were small (luckily she had sisters and a mother who helped out as well as a cleanerenvy), I just had her son to look after as well as a child!

SirBoobAlot Wed 15-May-13 21:42:18

Get this person out of your life, now. Fucking hell.

Don't feel guilty for needing some time out. Everyone does. You really don't need people like this hanging over you like a dark cloud though.

McNewPants2013 Wed 15-May-13 21:42:42

everyone needs a break, does your daughter father have any acess at all because if not then the nursery will be a welcome break for you.

ignore the fuckwit who said that.

HaveToWearHeels Wed 15-May-13 21:42:59

Nothing wrong with needing a break at all, I was only saying to DH at the weekend, how I take my hat off to all single parents. I work full time and DD goes to a child minder and grandparents during the week, I could NOT be with her 7 days a week. Doesn't mean I don't love her.
Trying looking for a Childminder, probably a cheaper option, I pay £4.25 an hour and some will do adhoc for a couple of hours if they have the space.
Oh and the person you confided in is an idiot, YANBU.

claudedebussy Wed 15-May-13 21:44:09



you really need to spend a lot less time with this person. like ZERO.

redexpat Wed 15-May-13 21:44:38

That's a horrible thing to say. I would never speak to this person again.

MargeSimpsonsSecretWig Wed 15-May-13 21:44:50

Spot on, triumph. She's never said anything like this before and I was lost for words. I think this has changed out relationship completely now which is quite upsetting.

Thank you for all for your replies. It helps to know that I'm not being unreasonable to be hurt and also that its not bad to need a break sometimes. Its hard not to feel guilty about it! I think I'm going to get in touch with my HV and have a chat with her about how to look into childcare.

Xiaoxiong Wed 15-May-13 21:45:41

YANBU. That family member is a nasty piece of work and I wouldn't be talking to her about anything ever again.

The only reasonable response to a mother saying in despair that maybe they shouldn't have had their DC is to disagree vehemently and offer support, and at the very least a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. The DC are here now, what's the point in making someone feel even worse?? I always feel like that on threads on MN where someone is struggling and a snot-tastic arse comes on and says something like "why did you have children in the first place" - well thanks you tosser, that's really helpful, talk about kicking someone when they're down.

I need a break every day from DS. He is much harder work than my work-work IYSWIM. Even on the weekends both DH and I need breaks from him so we do family things together and also switch off so we each have at least an hour to ourselves at some point. And he is a truly wonderful much wanted and loved PFB who is practically angelic, and there are usually two of us around, so I think you need the support even more!!

LittleMissGerardButlerfan Wed 15-May-13 21:45:47

That was a horrible thing to say, there is no shame in wanting a bit of help.

Are you in the uk? There is a charity called Homestart who can help families in their own home and give them support for a couple of hours a week. If you would like some more info let me know. I am currently becoming a volunteer and wish I had been aware of them when my children were younger.

They aren't there to tell you what to do, just to give you a friendly ear and a bit of support.

You can refer yourself too. If its not for you no problem, just tell me to keep my nose out grin

ouryve Wed 15-May-13 21:47:45

YANBU. What an incredibly nasty thing to say - insulting and hurtful to both you and your DD.

Millions of women have their children in nursery and go to work. It's no big deal and not worth being so outlandishly judgy about.

You need to cut this person out and do what you feel is best.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 15-May-13 21:48:24

What a spiteful thing to say yanbu.

I wonder if she feels this way about the parents who pay her wages

BendyBusBuggy Wed 15-May-13 21:49:01

What a nasty thing to say

LynetteScavo Wed 15-May-13 21:49:01

I am angry on your behalf.

I wouldn't let such a vile person near my child ever again.

BarredfromhavingStella Wed 15-May-13 21:49:38

Just ignore the silly twunt, nothing at all wrong with wanting a break-this is precisely why I go to work 2 days a week grin

WandaDoff Wed 15-May-13 21:50:59

This family member is a nasty shitty spiteful fucker. that comment is below the belt, what a poisonous cunt angry

Being a single parent is incredibly hard, & there is nothing at all wrong with needing a break sometimes.
How old is your DD? Is she old enough to qualify for free hrs at nursery yet?

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