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to resent my partner buying a new PS3, when I can't afford ante natal classes

(202 Posts)
Jadems Wed 15-May-13 18:25:20

Want to throttle my partner at the moment. Just found out that he's bought a new PS3 (replacing the somehow broken current one), with a plan not to tell me. The plan is to 'switch' over the two, so I won't notice.

Wouldn't normally mind. But. We're really short of money at the moment. Keep being told that we need to cut back. I'm not working, we're paying out a huge CSA bill due to assessment of gross not net income, due to have to pay out a huge tax bill due to tax mix up, paying for a barrister for DP's residency issues with his ex- wife and our first baby is due in late July. I'm not able to afford maternity clothes (currently wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more), and just had to cancel my place on the NCT ante natal course because of lack of funds.

AIBU to want to kill him. I know it's 'his' money as he earns it, but to expect me to have to wing pushing a person out of my vagina when we can't afford ante natal care whilst he can afford 'boys toys' - this is really pushing ALL my buttons.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 24-May-13 06:32:33

So you'd rather your baby was in nursery 12 hours a day, pretty much from birth, just that you can prove to your 'D'H that you aren't a sponger...? hmm

Warped priorities you've got there.

It will be interesting to see whether, having had your child, you will actually be able to go through with the 12-hour a day nursery plan, just so that you can make enough money to pay for said nursery. Very interesting, indeed...

It's not something most people can do. Granted, most people don't have complete arseholes for co-parents.

StuntGirl Fri 24-May-13 00:33:03

So you are choosing to stay with him simply because of the financial security he offers, so he's kinda right.

Don't sell yourself short. I wish you good luck for your future with this man, I suspect you're going to need it.

OhDearNigel Thu 23-May-13 22:13:22

You don't need a playstation or antenatal classes.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Thu 23-May-13 21:52:57

Jadems I'm a single parent and have been since I was 4 months pregnant. DS is almost 7 so I've had a long time as a single parent and it's not changing any time soon, however I don't recognise your stereotypical description of my life. I've never had to 'make do' on benefits, nor have I lived in a grim bedsit or on a rough estate. Since having DS I've always worked - for the first four years I worked full time and now work part time. I live in a small but nice house in a decent area. We enjoy walks to the park, days out and even the odd holiday abroad - yes, just the two of us! We are happy, healthy and content. Don't ever think that being a single parent is second best because that's very insulting to those of us who are single parents, and quite frankly I'd rather be alone forever than live with an abusive arsewipe that has absolutely no respect for me.

Please, when he does this again (which he will), think about what I (and others) have said and reconsider leaving, not only for your sake but your son's.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 23-May-13 20:31:09

Leaving is an option - please go and speak to CAB or something. A bedsit is better than an awful partner who doesn't even respect you. Babies cry and even the biggest house can feel like a bedsit when they do all afternoon. That's why buggies and slings and walks in the outside are popular. You may not have to be on benefits for a long time - many single parents work. And although the benefits system is changing, the government isn't about to have all single mother's rounded up and shot. You will survive.

Please think about leaving now and speak to some organisations eg CAB and gingerbread about your options.

Even if you aren't up to this yet, please work on it as a back up plan. If you stay and get a job, insist that your P contributes towards childcare and put some money in a secret account. Go to baby groups and build up a network with local mums.

If you are absolutely convinced that you must stay, set boundaries with your partner regarding what he calls you, what he does with money etc. It doesn't matter that he is nice when he is not an absolute arse, he should not be an arse in this kinD of way to you ever. If you are too scared to do that, that gives you all the answer you need about whether you should stay or not.

If you post your location I am sure there are local mners who can help.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 19:58:27

Single parents can work you know, most do.

LittleBearPad Thu 23-May-13 19:09:53

Please don't sell yourself short by staying with this man only because you're scared of what will happen if you leave. Babies do cry regardless if whether they are in bedsits or Home Counties detached houses. However staying with a man who treats you like shit is worse than being by yourself. It is possible to be far lonelier and unhappy in a couple than as a single person.

You don't know how you are going to feel post birth about working. Don't promise to get a job just to keep the peace with your partner - you may not want to work, at least for a few months and you may not get a job.

In the meantime however stop doing all your partner's child care for his existing daughter. It may prove to the fuckwit how much you do to enable his oh so important city job.

Fairylea Thu 23-May-13 19:04:34

I would work on a long term plan.

Enjoy maternity leave. Get a decent ish job if possible. Find good childcare and then leave the bastard.

Seriously he is an absolute arse.

Why should you have to work your arse off to prove you are equal to him? In his eyes you'd probably cease to exist as a valid human being if you (touch would it wouldn't happen) got very sick and were unable to work for example.

He's a prick.

PaperSeagull Thu 23-May-13 18:27:01

Oh, Jadems. Your last post makes me so sad for you. Why should you have to put up with such disrespect and unkindness from your DP just because he provides for you financially? Have you at least had a discussion about how he needs to pull his weight at home, especially after the baby arrives?

I do think that finding a decent job might be a good plan for you in the near future, since that will give you more independence and options to chart your own course.

Jadems Thu 23-May-13 18:03:33

Didn't mean that I would just pay for the childcare. By no better off, I mean that household income would be exactly the same - so there'd be no more disposable income than we have currently. Stupid situation, but that's living in the SE for you. And on the plus side, I'd get to add to my pension, not be missing on work experience and get to see people other than DP and DS.

And leaving really isn't an option, not unless things were to get more unpleasant here than the prospect of sobbing myself to sleep in a grim bedsit with a screaming baby. I don't know how people manage, but the thought of having to make-do on benefits terrifies me. I've got no family to support me and I've got no savings. We're in the middle of a huge restructure of the welfare state, and single-mums are treated with derision by the government and large sections of the right wing press. Have absolutely no desire to be living on some rough-estate in south wales, frantic with worry because I've not got enough money for the electricity, gas, food etc. At the moment I've got a roof over my head, I'm fed and my son will have somewhere to live and be well taken care of. My DP is actually a nice guy to be around when he's not being an idiot. So, unless things were to get seriously worse - would never put up with him shouting at or hitting me for example, think I just need to count my blessings and be grateful for what I do have.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 23-May-13 15:56:03

OP, if you go back to work full time, your whole salary shouldn't be spent on child care, your partner should pay half the nursery fees out of his salary.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 23-May-13 15:05:50

Also it is not the objective importance of the NHS classes which matters. You are the mother of his child about to go through labour for the first time. It was important to you. It could have been a Disney movie and it should still have been important to him to make sure you could have it because you are understandable nervous and anxious and its what you wanted.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Thu 23-May-13 15:01:03

Please leave him again.
Its fine for both parents to work FT. Its not fine if that is the only way one parent can get respect from the other.

I know many people who grew up happy and healthy in single parent families. I don't know anyone who grew up with a parent like this who got to adulthood without it either ruining their relationship with BOTH parents or having major issues.

It might seem difficult to leave but please do. Everyone here is here for you. He seriously seriously doesn't deserve you.

comingintomyown Thu 23-May-13 14:45:55

Hang on so you will go back to work full time in order to demonstrate you arent a "sponger" ? To stop him thinking you arent pulling your weight ?

I am so sorry that the desire to get home and make up with him has clouded your judgement and you think this course of action will be easier than doing it on your own.

Will he be sharing all childcare and household tasks equally then when you both work FT ? Him that currently relies on you to do a great deal for his exisisting child ?

I am fairly sure it will be harder not easier and sorry the writing is on the wall from someone who tells you to pack your stuff and sponge off someone else - especially when you are 7 months pregnant .

Bobyan Thu 23-May-13 14:02:53

The NHS isn't the problem, the waste of oxygen you have the misfortune to call a partner is.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-May-13 13:47:54

That is not worse than being a single parent family I think your buying into a stereotype and allowing him to financially abuse you.

Sorry to be blunt but he's very very wrong with his attitude,that means he needs to change it not you.

Jadems Thu 23-May-13 13:42:09

Just an update: Back home after a week at my aunt's house. We talked a lot whilst I was away. DP had been feeling a little like he was just there to support me financially and was worried that I would just leave whenever I got fed up. Not sure things are completely sorted out, but I'm glad to be home. We're going pram and moses basket shopping on Saturday - which are some of the few remaining bigger items we need to get for baby.

Longer term - I'm not sure. Thinking I may need to go back to work full time once the baby is born. Admittedly, I'd be no better off and just be paying for DS to be in a nursery 12 hours a day - but might have to be the solution if DP can't see the contribution I make at home. If both of us working full time is the only way I get him to appreciate that we're both making an equal contribution to the household, then that's preferable to being a single parent family. Do not want to have to do this on my own.

On the whole ante-natal classes thing, reckon just going to have to do without. Still a bit shocked about the lack of ante natal care offered by the NHS, but figure I'm assertive enough not to be totally ignored by healthcare staff during my delivery.

MrsSpagBol Tue 21-May-13 11:06:38

Just to say that the NHS classes for me are not free - you need to pay £100.

fabergeegg Mon 20-May-13 19:24:34


But antenatal classes should be free on the NHS.

PearlyWhites Mon 20-May-13 19:10:41

Yanbu however what is wrong with the NHS classes?

lucidlady Mon 20-May-13 18:40:00

How are you doing OP?

EatenByZombies Sun 19-May-13 01:27:44

flowers for how the situation is turning out - just read to the end and wanted to point out that my previous comment was based on the first half of the thread blush

EatenByZombies Sun 19-May-13 01:22:38

Err.. getting my fireproof suit on already but while YANBU about the lying and stuff, if that's his hobby and his old PS3 is broken why should he not be allowed to buy a new one? They actually don't cost that much any more and if that's how he enjoys himself..

I don't see the point in Antenatal classes. They didn't have them a few hundred years ago when medicine was shite and people managed to give birth, why are they so important now when we're so advanced? They're a luxury in themselves, to me, and as they're a luxury why should you get priority over him in that respect? Because you're pregnant? From what you say it doesn't seem to have been planned (and if it is, it wasn't planned very well confused )

I can understand why you're mad but it's only a one-off, small amount of money. Just talk to him about it. Maybe he can sell his old one to someone who can repair it/use it for parts.

I just want to point out, though, that things like maternity clothes should probably come before PS3's sad <in b4 "you're such a gamer who has no grip on reality!!11!1!11!!">

PiratePanda Sat 18-May-13 14:16:05

What's the bet his XW has been on MN herself and got advised to LTB? I bet her threads are revelatory.

ImperialBlether Sat 18-May-13 11:10:56

God, he's vile. You'll be much happier away from him.

Just one thing about this has really, really pissed me off, though. He's fighting for residency when he won't be there to look after the child anyway.

I'm divorced and there's no way I'd put up with being without the children while their step-parent looked after them. No way. Nothing against you, OP, you sound far too nice for this man, but why is he fighting his ex when he isn't going to be there to see the child anyway?

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