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to resent my partner buying a new PS3, when I can't afford ante natal classes

(202 Posts)
Jadems Wed 15-May-13 18:25:20

Want to throttle my partner at the moment. Just found out that he's bought a new PS3 (replacing the somehow broken current one), with a plan not to tell me. The plan is to 'switch' over the two, so I won't notice.

Wouldn't normally mind. But. We're really short of money at the moment. Keep being told that we need to cut back. I'm not working, we're paying out a huge CSA bill due to assessment of gross not net income, due to have to pay out a huge tax bill due to tax mix up, paying for a barrister for DP's residency issues with his ex- wife and our first baby is due in late July. I'm not able to afford maternity clothes (currently wearing a size 6 skirt that won't zip up fully any more), and just had to cancel my place on the NCT ante natal course because of lack of funds.

AIBU to want to kill him. I know it's 'his' money as he earns it, but to expect me to have to wing pushing a person out of my vagina when we can't afford ante natal care whilst he can afford 'boys toys' - this is really pushing ALL my buttons.

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 19:33:04

Ok but having a low income doesn't mean you can't budget and manage money together.... dh earns 15k, we have two dc and I don't work and we have joint finances and manage ok. (I'm not saying it isn't a struggle at times, believe me it is and part of the reason we do ok is that I used to have a very well paid job and so we now have a small mortgage) however the point I'm making is that you need to work as a team.

Have you asked to have a joint account or to budget together? What does he say? Is he secretive about his finances?

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 19:33:37

I'd like to hear his ex-wife's version of why that marriage broke up.

squeakytoy Wed 15-May-13 19:33:38

There is something drastically wrong with your financial management if you are broke when he is earning £60k a year...

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:34:41

This man sounds like an absolute disaster area! I agree it's not so much the classes as what this behavior symbolises - he prioritises treats for himself above your welfare.

Are you sure he's being completely honest with you re-finances?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 15-May-13 19:36:24

I have done NTC and I have a PS3.
The PS3 is a better use of money.

However he sounds like an immature brat (hoping you won't notice!) and YANBU.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:37:10

Me too numberlock, he does seem to have extraordinarily bad luck wrt money.

kllews26 Wed 15-May-13 19:37:44

The NHS classes are much better and usually run by local midwives. The women I met at the free classes were all very down to earth, no yummy mummies in sight! At least you can avoid being indoctrinated by NCT group-think!

I really wouldn't worry about the classes; MN is way better wink
But I agree with other posters in that you need to address the real issue of division in your household; you need to both be equal and he doesn't get to spend his money while you spend the family money. It can't work like that.

My husband and I are gamers and we would replace our Xbox if it broke, but only if we could afford it. If something had to come first then we would buy that. We would survive without until we could afford it again. Your partner needs to wise up about this and I do think its worrying that he may not think of priorities the way he should as a new father to be, especially as he must have done this before if he's paying child support.

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 19:44:10

flippinada And I was wondering why it's gone to court with his ex over residency issues.

I hate the term 'baggage' but I wouldn't have even gone on a date with thus guy, let alone conceived by him.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 15-May-13 19:50:35

You can meet people at NHS classes too. Content-wise, I thought 'I could have read that in a book in half an hour' except for one or two helpful points - practical not medical. Our hospital offered 'active borth workshops' which were most useful as a chance to see the delivery suite in advance, so it then felt familiar. NCT would be nice too and frankly, why not do both if you can and want to meet people.

I know these practicalities are not the main issue here. I do think though that if you can bring everything possible within your control you will be in a much stronger position to address the financial and fairness issues. You mustn't feel like you're ceding control of your life, just because you're not earning and that's related to the way you approach things - expect to be in control and make sure you are, address him accordingly - don't rely on him to take initiative then feel let down and hopeless.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 15-May-13 19:51:28

ha, 'birth', not sure what an 'active borth' is!

tvmum1976 Wed 15-May-13 19:56:14

YANBU he is being selfish and deceitful. As for the NCT- my classes were a bit rubbish, but the social connections I made from them really were a lifeline and you shouldn't feel you have to miss out if you want to do them.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:57:31

Once again I find myself agreeing with you numberlock

McNewPants2013 Wed 15-May-13 20:01:18

The playstation is not the problem, I play a lot of ps3 and Xbox games also of based games, it's my free time and I resent the fact that this man is being called childish because he plays these games.

The issue is the money being spent that is not available.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 15-May-13 20:02:50

Does he think he'll have time to play ps3 when your DS is born? How does he think you'll afford nappies, clothes, potentially milk etc? They don't appear out of thin air. Have you spoken to him about buying the ps3?

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 20:06:24

Of course he'll have time. Do you really think he'll be lifting a finger?

Fast forward a few months/years there'll be another barrister to pay for residency issues with this child.

Jadems Wed 15-May-13 20:26:12

Not spoken to him as he does the whole 'offense as defence' strategy whenever challenged. I have my driving test tomorrow (2nd time around - failed first attempt a fortnight ago), and don't need his passive aggressive attempts to make this my problem tonight.

tbh I just want to go home. Keep feeling like I've made this huge mistake and there's nothing I can do about it. Have the impression that his needs will always come before mine.

AncientCrone Wed 15-May-13 20:26:23

Do you have Lazy Daisy near you? You can do a course for £50-60ish.

HorryIsUpduffed Wed 15-May-13 20:30:33

Ask for a move to Relationships?

sad for you. You sound very unhappy. You have given up so much for him and he can't even be arsed to be honest with you.

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 20:31:12

Keep feeling like I've made this huge mistake and there's nothing I can do about it. Have the impression that his needs will always come before mine.

You're spot on there.

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 20:31:54

So what's stopping you going home? At least for a short time while you consider your options?

teacherwith2kids Wed 15-May-13 20:33:17

jadems, then go home. Easier now that after the baby is born. You have nothing to hold you where you are - no family, no job, a partner you don't sound happy with. Go home and make it a home for you and your baby.

Oh, and find NHS courses. They're great. Then find a decent mother-and-baby weekly group in a church hall or somewhere after the baby is born - a much wider mix that you get at 'paid for' NCT groups, and IME (and I've attended a lot of mother-and-baby groups, in 2 countries and 3 counties) all the better for it.

Viviennemary Wed 15-May-13 20:33:23

Can't you re-negotiate your tax bill and arrange to pay it over a period of time. It is really a poor show that you have had to cancel your NCT classes when he is spending money on things that don't seem to be absolutely necessary. I did go to NCT classes and thought they were excellent. But there again they aren't absolutely necessary but more important that PC3's.

expatinscotland Wed 15-May-13 20:33:37

What Quint said.

Fairylea Wed 15-May-13 20:35:35

Go home. You'll be better off financially with the benefits you can claim short term and then you can return to work if you want to and have more money than being stuck with him.

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