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To think this is not normal?

(169 Posts)
TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:07:30

My step sister (but we are very close) has been in a relationship with a guy for three years now. They have been living together for 2. Her DP lived a fair bit away but only a 45 minute train journey, he moved away to live with her.

In those three years she has never met any of her DP's friends or family. He goes home to visit his family regularly for a weekend but never offers to take her. He also goes down there for Christmas, New Year and Easter but yet again never gives her an invite. When he is with his family he never picks up the phone to my sister and will call her back a few hours later.

My step sister has asked to meet his family but he always says no and gets very defensive. Apparently his family is wierd?
It's all really dodgy, when someone from back home calls him he takes the phone call and if step sister or anyone is in the room he walks away and has the phonecall in the bathroom out of earshot.
He never talks about his family and if step sister or her family and friends ask him about them he becomes very guarded.

He is 6 years older that my sister if that means anything.

Is my sister and I right in thinking this is bloomin weird?

FJL203 Wed 15-May-13 16:20:13

Two weekends a month? It sounds like he has an access arrangement to see his children.

That or he's still with another woman.

Mind you, in a way I can see the man's point. I would be loathe to allow some poor innocent partner meet my bloody family too!

WhyIRayLiotta Wed 15-May-13 16:20:23

Is there any cultural / religious difference between them? Is it possible that his family might not approve of your sister?

FJL203 Wed 15-May-13 16:21:22

Spero, I'm taking a screenshot of that promise and keeping you to it if the man is genuine. grin

wannaBe Wed 15-May-13 16:22:27

the "family are weird" line doesn't fit with the fact he visits them every other weekend and important holidays. If he was that ashamed of his family, soo ashamed he didn't want his partner to meet them, then he wouldn't be in such regular contact with them.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:22:35

No cultural differences. Gosh I feel sick sad. I'm going to have to have a word with my sister.

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:23:37

Have you done any internet detective work on him? I'm going to guess he's not on facebook. If you look for him on, if listed you can see who else is at the address. In fact a straightforward google of his name and the place where his parents live might throw something up?

Spero Wed 15-May-13 16:24:06

Haha, so confident am I, I will have Cameron on the other cheek.

Sorry, not really a laughing matter. Why do so many women accept so little from their relationships? He is just brushing off her perfectly reasonable unhappiness with the situation. Of course you want to meet your partner's family, you hope that they will be your family too. And unless his dad is Nigel Farrage or an axe murderer there are no reasonable arguments against at least some infrequent meetings.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:24:30

I actually have a good idea (I think), you know that 192 website where you can put in someone's name and the current and previous addresses come up for the individual if they were on the electoral roll? Well maybe I can put in his name and have a look, or is this overstepping the mark?

patienceisvirtuous Wed 15-May-13 16:24:48

My ex was like this. Turns out he had an OW - but I had inadvertently been turned into the OW. Perhaps that's what he has done to someone back where he is from.

My ex used 'working away' as an excuse to be away from me a lot.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:24:58

X posts with nosey

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:25:10

I would try to get some more information before you speak to her!
Does he live with your sister? Is he on the electoral roll at their house? i.e. has she ever known him to vote?

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 16:25:18

Do it!

worldgonecrazy Wed 15-May-13 16:26:03

He is telling his wife and family that he is working away and can only visit holidays, Christmas and every other weekend.

I would also query whether the job in dole office is his only job or whether he has got another source of income to support two families.

And sorry to ask, but is he a foreign national who has taken British citizenship? I only ask this because I know of one woman who has had two similar relationships. The first proved to be an illegal immigrant living a double life, the second had another wife and family in a different city, but he regarded it as okay because one wife was only an Islamic wedding, not a legal wedding.

I second the idea of phoning his mum. The complete secrecy is very surreal.

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:26:25

not overstepping the mark at all, I think it's sensible to get as much info as you can before breathing a word to anyone in RL

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:26:31

Do I have to register and pay? I'm very worried I may fall out with my sister if I do find something and tell her and she chooses to be oblivious.

Onetwothreeoops Wed 15-May-13 16:26:41

It wouldn't be too difficult to do a few online searches on his name and home town. I would start with the electoral register myself which is public information.

I'm sure a lot of people would frown upon "snooping" on him but it doesn't sound likely that he would volunteer the truth.

FJL203 Wed 15-May-13 16:26:48

I'm not normally of this persuasion at all but I'd just have to know. I may not even care or do anything about it once I'd found out but curiosity would get the better of me. I'd be searching for him on Facebook to see who his friends are, looking at his income tax paperwork to see if he had a married man's tax code, looking up his old address on 192 to see if a wife was registered there, the works!

elliejjtiny Wed 15-May-13 16:26:52

Either he has another woman/kids somewhere or his parents are naturists/members of a cult/extremely toxic

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:27:18

No he is british

patienceisvirtuous Wed 15-May-13 16:27:21

For what it's worth my mother did the digging and outed him - I wish someone had done it sooner for me then I wouldn't have wasted over three years. None so blind as those who won't see and all that...

Go ahead re the 192. Find out for her and do her a favour.

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:27:38

is he on anykind of social media at all? I know that isn't conclusive of anything but if he is, then it is certainly easier to verify that he doesn't have a family somewhere!

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:28:24

onetwo would you link me to the place where I can search that please?

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 15-May-13 16:29:02

You can get some info for free, you can get credits if there's anything interesting that comes up.

TacticalWheelbarrow Wed 15-May-13 16:29:14

patience sorry to hear you had a crap time sad

noseymcposey Wed 15-May-13 16:30:24

if you just do it in google it usually brings up the pages.

do the google bit first and see how you go?

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