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to be affected by my ex still?

(5 Posts)
DryCounty79 Wed 15-May-13 15:55:44

Was with my ex on and off for 10 years. Found out after the first 3 years that in fact he hadn't been separated/going through a divorce/divorced, and was still married and living with his wife. Split up with him for several years, but never got over him.

Met up with him a couple of years ago, this time he really was going through a divorce (showed proof of it) and we gave it another go. Unfortunately (or fortunately, actually!), it didn't work out and I ended it last year. The reasons were that he treated me like a dirty little secret, wouldn't take me out anywhere, wouldn't go away anywhere, wouldn't stay over, introduce me to his family, even friend me on FB. Exactly how he was when we were first together. Yes, I know they were huge warning signs before, and I was an idiot to keep the relationship going, but I can't change the past and I've beaten myself up enough about all that.

Now, I have a wonderful, kind, loving, thoughtful, generous, caring boyfriend who adores me (why, I don't know!!) and acts as though he's proud to have me as his girlfriend. He almost boasts about it lol. I am crazy about him and feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

So, why does it bother me that my ex has a new girlfriend that he's introduced to his family, is publicly in a relationship with, has bought a car for, has taken on holiday and has bought expensive jewelry for? Actually, that's not the question - I know why, it's because he never did any of that for me and it hurts. I don't care about the 'stuff', it's the not wanting to be public that bothers me. I wouldn't want to be with him now, not for anything, but I still wish he'd treated me the way he treats his new g/f.

OK, I'm babbling now, sorry. I just don't know if it's normal to feel this way. I don't want to care at all about it!!

BlackMaryJanes Wed 15-May-13 16:01:11

You were his mistress the first time, so maybe that 'tainted' you in his eyes so he felt he couldn't go public. He's an ass.

Davsmum Wed 15-May-13 16:03:27

Maybe he is in a 'different place' now.
Don't see this as a reflection on you. He did not treat you right and you were right to get rid of him.
It IS normal to feel annoyed about it but try to let it go because you have what you want and need now. He is the past - and you probably have a lovely future with a man that you really deserve.

eltsihT Wed 15-May-13 16:17:54

I was the other women for a while, 12 years on I still wonder what it would be like to be with him still, suppose I still love with him a bit.

Been with my DH for 10 years very happy (married for 5) about to have our second child.

He is now married to another other (yes he had 3 of us on the go and I knew about it) and has a child, I did bump into him a few years back and realised he was still a dick.

But even tho I am very happy now I will always wonder what if he had picked me? and have feelings for him!

I think what you are feeling is normal, just a what if scenario

DryCounty79 Thu 16-May-13 11:45:00

Thank you for your replies!

BlackMaryJanes, I hadn't thought of it like that. I figured that we were in a 'rut', and the pattern of our relationship had been established when I was his mistress (unknowingly). I guess he could only see me in that light, as that's how he'd always known me.

Davsmum, you're right, we are both in a 'different place' now. I'm in a much happier, more settled place. I'm not sure he is, as he tried to get back together with me a few months ago, whilst in this relationship! I am glad I got rid of him and don't regret doing so for a second. I just feel a bit miffed that as the supposed 'love of his life', he treated me so badly and is treating her so well, on the surface at least. I should have been treated like that! grin

eltsihT, I think we always have a tiny part of us which is still in love with past loves. It's like a little section of our heart with their name on it. I know if I'd stayed with him, I'd still be unhappy, he'd probably be cheating on me and I wouldn't be with the amazing guy I'm with now. I'm glad you're happy now, with your husband and child(ren). Congratulations on the upcoming new arrival!

At least now I know what it is like to be treated properly, and I can class being with my ex as an experience that lasted too long but taught me some valuable lessons!

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