Advanced search think that my SIL is abusive, not me?

(54 Posts)
photofinish Wed 15-May-13 03:43:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Wed 15-May-13 04:01:39

I really wouldn't bother saying anything to her. Neither of you are going to change your mind about your own styles of parenting so I would just agree to disagree and move on.

One thing I find quite useful when people are discussing things I don't want to is to not agree or disagree but keep saying "that's nice" and "really" whilst looking vague. People can only get into a discussion regarding all this boring crap these types of parenting things if the other person engages. If not, it's just a monologue that soon tails off

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 15-May-13 04:07:08

If her kids eat crap, she has to believe that is right or she will feel horrible about herself. Your kids eating non-crap makes her feel bad, that's why she has a go.

7-5.30pm wouldn't suit me (after 2 years of no bloody sleep), I'd rather have tea and toast with DH in the morning at 6am with no toddler. But, horses for courses.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 15-May-13 04:07:59

BTW I don't think either of you is 'abusive'. Throwing that word around makes everyone unreasonable.

butterflyexperience Wed 15-May-13 04:49:16

Ignore her, smile and nod and thank her for all her helpful tips.

Practice in mirror if needs be smile

FrebbieMisaGREATshag Wed 15-May-13 05:30:52

She's not abusive.

Neither are you.

You don't like her. She doesn't like you.

I wouldn't say anything. Just avoid her.

wigglesrock Wed 15-May-13 06:31:06

Look to be honest it all sounds like a bit of a pissing contest. You don't get on with each other, just move along and do what most families do - smile, nod and ignore.

musicposy Wed 15-May-13 06:58:50

Neither of you are abusive. You just do things differently, thats all. Both are valid.
Personally, I've tended much more towards your SIL's way of parenting and yet mine have now reached almost adulthood happy and healthy and we have a great relationship. I think meals are silly things to get into battles with your children with or make any kind off issue over.
But you are entitled to bring them up any reasonable way you see fit and I dont think either of you are being helpful here being so critical of the other. Does she think you are being judgey? I wonder if that's behind the comments.

flanbase Wed 15-May-13 07:19:35

Your sil has actually said that you are 'abusive'? If she's said those words to you then I'd have nothing more to do with her. She has to apologise for this saying this strong statement to you.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 15-May-13 07:25:13

You are not abusive, obviously.

But super smug to judge her so much on what her kids eat an how they sleep, I'm afraid YABU there..but so is she if she said that.

TiredyCustards Wed 15-May-13 07:29:26

Yabu to use the word abusive for either of those situations. So is she.

These are just 2 different parenting styles.

Some children are bad sleepers. Some people don't believe in controlled crying (not saying you do).

5.30am wake ups would be out of the question for me personally, everyone's different.

flanbase Wed 15-May-13 07:31:34

The op says her sil called her abusive - this is terrible thing to be told

TheseFoolishThings Wed 15-May-13 07:37:42

I agree with you about junk food and shit sweets but I do think that once in a while neither of these things will harm your child. It's great that you feed them (what I see as) properly and I'm sure in the future they'll thank you for that but IF you make the other stuff so out of reach and unobtainable then sooner or later you're going to have an issue where they might feel they have to eat this stuff in secret/behind your back. Education is the key but banning is not.

Oh - and YY to the poster who said she doesn't like you. She doesn't. And you don't like her. Can you not give her a big old swerve for a while?

ithaka Wed 15-May-13 07:38:25

Neither of you are abusive, you just parent differently.

Do not let her suck you into her hyperbole. Ignore her when she judges you and try to stop judging her, is my advice.

MadameOvary Wed 15-May-13 07:43:05

YY to the "vagueness" post above. She is really not worth the energy. If you are happy with your parenting and it works for you, that's all that matters. Her issues are her issues.

Wowserz129 Wed 15-May-13 07:49:01

Sounds like your attitude is just as bad as hers.

It's hardly her fault if her children still wake during the night. Not ideal they don't eat great but they are not going to grow up with 5 heads because of it I sure

loofet Wed 15-May-13 07:52:28

She feels insecure and shitty about how she feeds her kids because deep down she knows it is terrible and not doing them any good. Therefore when she sees you feeding them healthily and avoiding McDeath (grin) she comments in this way to try and make herself feel better. She probably wants you to doubt yourself so you start feeding them the same as she does so she feels vindicated.

Your bedtime is a pretty average childrens bedtime although the wake up time made my eyes water. Not sure how you handle a day starting at 5.30, I think i'd crumble. But regardless she has no real point there, you're doing the right thing being strict on bedtime- kids need stability, enough sleep and routine.

Tbh she sounds like someone to avoid. Or at least just ignore, don't let her jealous comments get to you.

Triumphoveradversity Wed 15-May-13 07:53:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sahara13 Wed 15-May-13 08:07:28

Honestly? I think I'd rather the odd fast food supper than be up at 5:30 every morning, that's ridiculously early!

Sparklymommy Wed 15-May-13 08:09:17

It's so hard to bite your tongue sometimes isn't it? When I was a baby my mother was always being told to ask a certain cousin about everything relating to parenting because she was a nanny and a wonderful one at that! The sun shone from her backside and everything my mother did with me was criticised. Fast forward a few years to when said cousin had a family and she didn't have a clue! Her children were fussy eaters, in mannered and generally badly behaved. Whilst I, in comparison, was doing very well.

Neither of you is abusive, but you have differing parenting styles. If the school are going to take your SILs kids absences further then she will probably have to address some of the things she is doing, let her learn the hard way. Agree to disagree and enjoy your own family

tiredemma Wed 15-May-13 08:11:12

You both have different parenting styles. Not abuse here.

PicaK Wed 15-May-13 08:13:37

Did she actually use the abuse word or is that your summing up of comments - it's genuinely not clear from your post.

It's obvious you don't like each other and look down on each other's styles. Smile nod and move on is good advice.

fwiw my ds hasn't eaten a single piece of fruit or veg for 3 years. Whilst i'm a wreck about this (and obviously HCPs are involved) he on the other hand is a bundle of energy and health. So the poor diet equals sickly kids doesn't necessarily hold true. Have they other health issues you've missed out?

Tanith Wed 15-May-13 08:16:09

I think the continual waking through the night is key. As you say, she's exhausted and grouchy. Sleep deprivation can make even the sweetest tempered person into a stroppy, intolerant baggage.

Try to rise above it.

HerrenaLovesStarTrek Wed 15-May-13 08:16:35

If only it were an either/or option, sahara123 - my DC rarely eat 'junk' (although they do occasionally get biscuits) and yet they routinely wake up at 5.30-6am.


As others have said, op - smile politely and ignore. I've found the phrase 'that's interesting, I hadn't thought of that' to be useful as well.

MrsWeasel Wed 15-May-13 08:18:26

Sweets that glow in the dark? Awesome! What are they called?

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