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or just a selfish cow ...to feel hurt and sad by my partners behaviour

(17 Posts)
hatbobble Tue 14-May-13 20:24:33

I have been with my partner for 8 years and we are incredibly lucky to have two beautiful children. He is the most wonderful father, great with practical stuff and so so helpful with everything at home. He also works incredibly hard for our family. I love him so much but something is missing...

I feel terribly selfish but things are just not good between us emotionally and have not been for a long time and he has always struggled to share his feelings or really talk with me about mine.

He hasn't told me that he loves me since 2008 and just can't deal with me ever being upset.

Also a friend of our has been doing some graphic design work for our business and has been very rude about me to him calling me a stupid bitch, a pathetic mother and has sent me lots of very rude texts. My partner has shown no anger towards this person and simply says its just banter but it hurts so much that he is so indifferent about it.

A few weeks ago I found some messages on his phone, not through snooping, I was doing some email work for his business. They were to a woman who I have always felt uncomfortable about saying how much he misses her still. I eventually said that I felt hurt and he just laughed and said I was being ridiculous, I honestly don't think anything has happened between them it was just upsetting that he would not ever say that to me.

Sorry for going on, i don't feel like i've explained very well but thought you'd all be bored by now... thank you for reading to the end

IceNoSlice Tue 14-May-13 20:32:21

YANBU. What you have described is not, to me, a real relationship between you and DP. Do you love him?

IceNoSlice Tue 14-May-13 20:33:17

Sorry, you say that you do. I feel very sad for you. Could you get some couples counselling?

Cakebaker35 Tue 14-May-13 20:34:27

Really don't think YABU! He hasn't told you he loves you in all that time, won't defend you when someone is really rude about you and is sending messages to another woman saying he misses her?! So so sorry to say this but perhaps he hasn't said he loves you because he doesn't anymore. Even if he is a great dad, supportive etc with stuff around the house, it is not okay for all these other things to continue. In your shoes I would sit him down and put him on the spot about his feelings, don't buy that I am no good about talking about feelings rubbish, if your marriage is on the line then he should speak up to help try to save it. I really wish you all the best, I hope he sees sense.

stopmovingthefurniture Tue 14-May-13 21:32:31

ynbu how very hurtful. Can't see why your partner can't see that. I'm sure you're two steps on all this, but have you done the date nights, couple's counselling, scheduling time away from kids, taking up a hobby together that has you spending time together without pressure (even if just occasionally)?

Ponyo73 Tue 14-May-13 21:38:23

Dear hatbobble, you sound like a sweet, kind person. Too nice, in fact, you apologise on your post for boring us and thanking us for reading it. No! Damn it girl I wish I could sit with you and say you are so much better than the crap he is dishing out to you. You need to get yourself strong and realise you are better off without this douchebag. Don' t apologise for anything and be the tough chick that is in you.

MamaMumra Tue 14-May-13 21:39:04

YANBU at all. I don't blame you for being unhappy. Why would we be bored. This isn't fair on you and have you thought about counselling for just you? You deserve better than this.
You're dealing with a lot of hurtful behaviour from him and yet you're so generous (more than I'd be) to him.

Please do talk to someone about your relationship - you deserve to be happy and loved.

hatbobble Tue 14-May-13 21:41:33

I do love him dearly but it is hard, I can't help feel I'm being unreasonable for wanting more and if I'm honest sometimes thinking that someone else would be more 'there' for me. (cringe) I think he would just argue that he is so laid back and doesn't like conflict

Last week I got really upset and said how hurt I was that he didn't stock up for me and he told me that he wants to leave. He's been really sweet since then doing lots of practical things like making me food etc but just wont talk

THANK YOU all for taking the time to comment

newbiefrugalgal Tue 14-May-13 21:45:54

Sorry to clarify
He said he wants to leave
Is that the relationship?

hatbobble Tue 14-May-13 21:48:47

that's what he said that he can't do it anymore and he's got nothing else to give me. I felt terrible because he really does do so much for me and our children but its like we're just good friends. call me greedy but I need the emotional bit too

IceNoSlice Tue 14-May-13 22:02:19

I think he wants to leave - he said as much. Being sweet to you after saying that - he perhaps doesn't want to be a dick, doesn't want to hurt you, but he's not taken back what he said. I think you need to consider that this may be the end of your relationship. Is there someone you can talk this over with IRL?

PleasePudding Tue 14-May-13 22:04:09

No no no! You are perfectly within your rights to expect a man to hive you emotional support - this is what it's about! Love and support and great sex, obviously not all the time - sometimes you go through phases of not getting each other but if he is withholding this from you he's not being a good husband an it should be fairly obvious 'what else he can give'

I don't know what to advise as I'm so bad at staying calm but maybe try to calmly reiterate how you feel about him not sticking up for you and those texts and ask him why he doesn't feel comfortable or able to talk about emotions with you, maybe try to keep it as non-accusatory as possible.

You sound lovely and I am sure he values you and loves you and you will be able to work through this but if not it is him and not you.

Whoknowswhocares Tue 14-May-13 22:04:43

Sounds like emotionally he left some time ago sad

SolidGoldBrass Tue 14-May-13 22:06:37

It sounds to me like he wants to end the relationship, so I strongly advise you to get some legal advice and/or some counselling from Relate (you can go by yourself if he doesn't want to go) to make ending the relationship as amicable and fair as possible.
Don't beg and plead with him to reconsider, just proceed calmly with the separation. And seek support from your friends and family. You can't make someone love you or stay with you, and trying to do so is a waste of time and much more distressing than letting the person go with dignity - also, if it's a man who is fannying about or trying to get his own way with threats to leave, calling his bluff is the best thing to do, because it reminds him that you have just as much right to walk away as he does.

newbiefrugalgal Tue 14-May-13 22:08:13

Well said solid

Ponyo73 Tue 14-May-13 22:08:26

You are not greedy, of course you deserve emotional bit too. Sorry but as Ice said talk it over with someone trusted and get out of this. It sounds like he is trying to force you to be the the one to end things. You deserve and am sure will get better than this. x

StuntGirl Tue 14-May-13 22:09:48

I don't often say this, but what SGB said. All of it.

I'm sorry OP.

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