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To feel a bit down about my failed hen party plans

(108 Posts)
MonstrousPippin Tue 14-May-13 16:07:01

I'm getting married in late July and a few weeks ago sent an email to all my friends telling them to save the first Saturday in July for the hen party. I wasn't sure what it was going to be but to know that it wouldn't be a big weekend away and wouldn't involve traveling out of our town. Apart from 2 people who already had holidays booked, I got positive responses about the date from everyone.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a drink with a few friends and we chatted about ideas and the consensus seemed to be that it would be great to hire a hot tub at my house and have a bit of a spa thing at home. I looked into it and it was going to either be quite pricey or affordable and shit.

Last week, after agonising for ages over what I should have that everyone would enjoy, I would enjoy and wouldn't be too expensive, I found a local hotel country club place that does a "champagne spa day" for £45 per head. This includes use of the pool, sauna, gym, jacuzzi, 2 course meal, champagne and strawberries, tea and coffee and a private lounge for the whole day. They obviously hope you'll order a massage or pedicure or something on top of that but it's not required. Considering it includes food and the place is well known for being really nice, I thought it was great value. Most other spa places I looked at were charging £60-70 and it didn't even include food.

The minimum number of people they require for this deal is 6. My mum already said yes, and considering I have one bridesmaid, I thought I'd only need another 3 people to agree to get the £45 per head deal. I've emailed 20 friends and pretty much all of them have replied, although interestingly I've not heard a peep out of my bridesmaid despite talking to her several times since and sending her info on Facebook as well. In my email I was clear I wouldn't be offended if a spa thing is not your idea of fun or if you don't have the money because I totally understand that, so I said we could have drinks and cakes at my house in the evening.

I guess I just expected out of 20 people that maybe 3 would be interested enough to come with me. I can hardly believe it, but apparently not. Only two people responded positively and definitely that they would like to come and one of those two retracted it the day after. General view from people is that it's too expensive.

I've had to cancel my provisional booking with the spa. I guess I could go on my own and still have a nice time.

Just last week I went on a hen do which was a meal out, fancy dress costume required, followed by drinks out on the town and taxi home. Everyone who went to that even chipped in to pay for the hen's meal. Pretty sure that all came to more than £45 for everyone considering what I ordered at the meal was £30. Makes me feel a bit of a fool for shelling out to go to other people's hen parties over the years. I've traveled all over the country for them in the past, bought costumes, paid for activities, paid for hotels, done stuff I didn't want to for the sake of the hen. Perhaps I was a bit of an idiot.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel quite down about it right now because I just sent out the cancellation email.

Springdiva Tue 14-May-13 16:12:42

To be honest, I am not a chatty person, and sitting about all day in a hotel, however smart would not be my cup of tea.

I'd rather do something eg walk to a pub and have a nice lunch, or some other active activity, though others might think that mad for a hen do.

I'm sure others will have suggestions.

DrHolmes Tue 14-May-13 16:15:00

I think it sounded great, defo my kind of henny. What a shame for you. I think you should still do the spa day with your mum though. Even if it would be more expensive if there was only 2 of you.

Just have then round for drinks and nibbles.

squeakytoy Tue 14-May-13 16:19:06

It isnt my sort of thing either. In fact a "spa day" is one of my worst nightmares. but yanbu to be upset that none of your friends are interested..

ziggyf Tue 14-May-13 16:19:33

I think it sounds fun too and not ridiculously expensive for a hen do. I was invited to one recently where the organisers were asking for £300 up front! Needless to say I didn't go! It's a nice idea to do cake at your house in the evening. I'd definitely come to all of it.

Bearbehind Tue 14-May-13 16:21:25

The thing you have to remember is most people are no way near as excited about you getting married as you are.

If you went to a hen party last weekend is it the case that many people who went to it as also invited to yours?

Weddings are really expensive for the guest anyway, outfit, travel costs, gifts etc and IMO it's all getting a bit too much.

Spa's are really not my thing either so even if I really didnt mind paying for a hen weekend, I wouldn't want to do that.

I think UABU to expect people to shell out for something they dont want to do just because you have chosen to do the same in the past.

Crinkle77 Tue 14-May-13 16:22:27

Thing is even if it's not your friends cup of tea it is yur special day and they should go wth the flow if that's what you want to do

MonstrousPippin Tue 14-May-13 16:22:33

I get some people hate spa days. I even said that in my email. I guess I'm friends with quite a few spa haters.

Just getting it out here has helped me to stop the slight sniffling I had welling up sitting here at my desk so thank you everyone.

Crinkle77 Tue 14-May-13 16:23:49

Obviously if they cannot afford it then fine but just cos they don't fancy it is a bit mean

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 14-May-13 16:23:54

Sounds lovely & for a good price-at the end of the day it's your hen do & therefore it's not unreasonable to expect your friends to make an effort even if it's not their thing-I've been on countless hen do's/ birthday outings where I've thought hmm but as they were for friends i've just sucked it up.

squeakytoy Tue 14-May-13 16:24:01

Your bridesmaid should be the one helping out to organise this though.. kick her up the bum and tell her to sort it.

smokinaces Tue 14-May-13 16:24:05

Some people just dislike hen dos. I hate them. Have avoided almost all of them bar two in fifteen years. And make excuses still aged thirty. I don't know, to me they're like new years eve - forced fun.

My own hen do I played bingo, went for chinese and got drunk in local pub. A handful of people came, didn't bother me tbh.

But Yanbu if you've put that effort into friends, they should pay it back. Xx

smokinaces Tue 14-May-13 16:26:04

Xx. I blame lack of sleep. I never Xx on posts. <sigh>

mercibucket Tue 14-May-13 16:26:43

of course yanbu to feel a bit down! i expect everyone thought everyone else would be going so it wouldn't matter if they didn't so I'm sure it wasnt meant personally but still sad for you

oohaveabanana Tue 14-May-13 16:27:29

Well, that sounds like a very reasonable price for the spa offer, I can see why you were disappointed...

I think people tend not to work out the real cost for evening dos - whereas when it's a daytime thing and the upfront cost is very obvious, it's easy to think about the ££s.

I wonder too if people felt OK about saying no becuase you were so polite and lovely about it - saying there would be a cheaper back up option at yours/that you understood if people didn't want to go - sort of gave them permission to say no, iykwim?

Agree with others - go & have a lovely day with your mum, and send an email confirming that EVERYONE is bringing a bottle of fizz & a really nice cake to your house on xx evening. Honestly, an evening of cake and fizz will fix everything!

givemeaclue Tue 14-May-13 16:29:15

Yanbu that is very strange and I would have thought unusual that only 2 Out of 20 Want to go. £45 Is very cheap for a hen event.

Call you bridesmaids and discus with them, its normal for them to arrange hen party anyway so give them the job

Steffanoid Tue 14-May-13 16:30:32

I dont think it's that expensive, we did a day at the races and then a meal a few weeks later for my sister 2 years ago, the races was about £50 before bets!
if I wasn't rather heavily pg id ask if I could come with you, sounds like heaven to me

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 14-May-13 16:33:25

YANBU

Even if a hen-do isn't exactly your own cup of tea, then you go for the sake of your friend who is getting married.

£45 is a bargin for a hen do.

RunnerHasbeen Tue 14-May-13 16:33:52

Put your bridesmaid on it, she can more easily convince people to come and emphasise how nice it would be for you (and how hurtful if nobody comes or replies).

I think you have been too nice and given people too many ways to back out. I would find it easier not to go to a hen night I wasn't 100% sure about where I was one of 20 people on an e-mail and lots of reasons you would understand if I couldn't go. If, however, the bridesmaid wrote "here's what we are hoping to do, lets all put our heads together and make it special for Pippin...." I would probably go and have a nice time.

Honestly, get the bridesmaid to write to your closest friends, saying your original plan didn't work out and what would they suggest doing instead, asking for game ideas and gift ideas or anything to make them feel more part of it. Once there is a core group, you can ask the other to the evening do or something.

trianglesaregood Tue 14-May-13 16:34:38

I think it sounds great and YANBU to be upset that some presumably close friends don't seem to want to share it with you or feel they can't afford it. Some people make an effort to celebrate someone else's big moment and some people don't. Or is it possible they're planning something for you as a surprise?

aldiwhore Tue 14-May-13 16:36:25

A spa day is lovely, if it's in preparation for something else... if not, it's a day in the bath with people who look at their worst and feel it.

AuntPittypat Tue 14-May-13 16:39:04

Have people actually responded to say no, or have most of them not replied yet at all? Could it be that they do want to come but think as it's still a few weeks away they don't need to reply yet? Even if that's the case, it's still rude! And I agree that your bridesmaid should really be the one stressing about this, not you. Could you ask her to help you out?

I completely understand and am sorry that you're upset. I think the spa thing sounds great. I'll come! smile

Tweasels Tue 14-May-13 16:39:32

To be honest, I don't think I've ever been on a hen do that is my cup of tea but you just suck it up and get on with it. Your friends aren't being very fair.

Osmiornica Tue 14-May-13 16:40:44

How long have you give people to respond?

ChunkyChicken Tue 14-May-13 16:43:04

I was 34wks pg on the last hen do I went on. It was a boozy affair so I couldn't join in totally but I tried, as did my friend in accommodating me and making it enjoyable for all.

I say this purely to show that sometimes 'hens' do (& should) put themselves out just a little to make the hen do happen. I think that if your friends, and bridesmaid, don't want to do it, they should have the decency to come up with something else to do!! I don't think £45 is that much for an entire day either.

YANBU to be upset.

What about a picnic in the park instead, followed by a walk to the pub or back to yours for games &/or pampering? I helped organise similar for my best friend and we hired a beauty technician for the evening, with everyone paying for their own treatments.

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