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PFB or normal precaution for childcare?

(120 Posts)
sparechange Tue 14-May-13 11:23:19

I got an email from a friend who is getting married soon, complaining about another friend and I can't decide who is right on this. Opinions please!

Friend A is getting married with a small-ish do (60 people). During the meal, she has arranged for a couple of the staff from her DDs nursery to come and look after/entertain the children in a separate room. The invitation is slightly vague in so far as it doesn't say the children must be left in the room, but doesn't say they are welcome to join the meal (relevant later!). This isn't intentional - she just assumed most people would rather eat in peace given the option and it didn't occur to her that people would think they couldn't have their children sat with them if they preferred.

We both have a friend B. I've never been hugely close to her, but we ended up living near each other so probably see more of each other than we would under any other circumstances.

Friend B has emailed Friend A to ask if the can share the names and qualifications of the nursery workers who will be looking after the children, and also the name of the nursery, because she'd like to phone them up to speak to them - I guess get a reference?

Friend A has got really cross about this, because she thinks it is questioning her ability to find good childcare for her children and also thinks this is Friend A passively aggressively asking for her child to stay with them during the meal, which would have been fine if she had just asked outright.

I can sort of see Friend B's point that she doesn't want any old person looking after her (PFB) DD, but is it totally OTT to ask for their references? They'll be looking after the children for a couple of hours, tops, and the idea is they'll be supervised with toys, books and DVDs. I don't know the age range of the children, but would guess at 2-6?

On top of this, Friend A has asked me to bring it up with Friend B. I think I'm going to stay out of it and let them sort it out directly, but I just wanted some other opinions before I wade in on one side or anotheirng

EglantinePrice Wed 15-May-13 13:16:35

The OP has no idea what friend B wants to speak to the nursery staff about. She just guessed at references.

bordellosboheme Wed 15-May-13 12:15:28

Well said parachutes are fab

hbmeic Wed 15-May-13 12:13:08

Stay out of it.

Personally I don't think friends B us being unreasonable and I'm surprised friend A didn't include of the email 'X & X are from DD's nursery [nameofnursery] whom we have been using for a number of years and are very happy with. If you have any questions please let me know'

If friend A doesn't want to give out any information then I would wonder why, because that's a bit weird.

quesadilla Wed 15-May-13 12:06:19

And qualifications....

quesadilla Wed 15-May-13 12:05:53

Eglantine I agree, what you have just described would be totally reasonable (I would do that myself), but the OP said friend B is asking friend A for references. Which I do think is overkill.

EglantinePrice Wed 15-May-13 11:54:15

I think a sheet of qualifications would be overkill too...

Clarifying a quick question such as.

"My child is 2 the others are 8 will you be able to cope with this range I realise that's not what you're used to?"

"My child is in nappies still is that ok. Will there be enough of you to manage?"

"What will you do if s/hes upset?"

quesadilla Wed 15-May-13 11:41:31

Eglantine I just think its overkill, seeing a sheet of qualifications doesnt guarantee the competence of the childminder and its guaranteed to add stress for the bride. The relevance of it being in the next room is obvious: she can wander through as often as she likes and check on her PFB. It's not as if they are in lock-down.
Also if the child is seriously unhappy there is nothing to stop the mum from going to collect the child.

parachutesarefab Wed 15-May-13 11:35:04

A should let B have the details, then forget about it.

Maybe B is being PFB. Maybe she has very good reasons to want to talk to the staff in advance. If she was employing the nursery staff as babysitters for just her child, on A's recommendation, it wouldn't seem an odd request. Having more children there gives more reason to check - ratios, supervision, activities appropriate for different ages, toileting arrangements.

The nursery staff know A, and A's DD. They don't know B or B's child. Looking after children of different ages in a room at a wedding reception is different to looking after them in a structured nursery setting.

EglantinePrice Wed 15-May-13 11:16:06

ffs she's hardly asked for a CV.

She just wants a quick chat with the staff. She's not bothered the bride (or God knows she'd be being criticised for that) What's the big deal?

The bride is totally oversensitive. So, she's laid on a crèche... Good idea. Doesn't mean no one is allowed to ask for any details about it
and should be vilified for doing so

And why the constant reference to the fact that its only 'in the next room'? Does proximity make the staff qualified/experienced, the children safe, the ratios suitable, the age range appropriate? No its irrelevant.

AmberSocks Wed 15-May-13 11:08:29

Child friendly to me is the kids being part of everything that going on,not being shoved off in some room.

I wasnt sure from your post if the kids are allowed at the table,i thought all kids had to go in that room?if so then to me thats not child friendly,i like inclusive stuff,not this is for grown ups that is for kids.

quoteunquote Wed 15-May-13 11:04:33

Your friend wants to check out who will be looking after her child ?

I'm not sure why anyone would worry about that, quite a simple thing to do really, it seems a bit of a fuss not to just let her reassure herself that people who will be looking after her child are safe.

Maybe she herself was abused as a child, it does tend to give you a heightened sense of awareness about who comes into contact with your children,

She not rejecting the concept of her child being looked after in another room, she just wants to reassure herself, that the people who will be looking after the child are safe.

Someone's fears might seem unreasonable to others who do not have the same experiences, it's a bit churlish, not to allow her to do a simple reassurance check.

What ever the reason for her anxiousness, the easiest solution would be to let her check.

Most people who look after other people's children must be use to the parents being inquiring about their suitability.

sparechange Wed 15-May-13 10:45:35

Thanks everyone.
I am still bottling my reply to A, although I'm much more sympathetic to her annoyance having read some of the replies.
Amber, I have to ask what you think could make a wedding any more child friendly than an open invitation to all parents to bring their children, with a dedicated room for them to play games in during the boring bits of the day and room at their parents table for when they want to be with mum and dad confused

quesadilla Wed 15-May-13 10:35:26

Sorry, I think this is very PFB. Qualifications, ffs. She's going to be in the next room! Anxiety and some degree of questioning and vetting I can understand but asking for a cv is OTT.

AmberSocks Wed 15-May-13 09:05:22

if it were me i would want my kids to sit and eat with me,they dont need entertainers or kiddie food.but i would be more direct and just ask,if she said no would consider not going,it doesnt sound like a very child friendly wedding.

ilovexmastime Wed 15-May-13 09:01:02

I'd be annoyed too if I was friend A, especially if I felt that friend B was infact being passive aggressive about wanting her child to sit in on the meal. Does friend B have form for being passive aggressive? One of my friend's is very passive aggressive and it winds me up no end!

I can't believe how many people on here are saying that they would also want to check up on the nursery staff. Really? I hhonestly don't get it. They are CRB checked and work in a nursery, how much more do you need to know? It's only a couple of hours and you'll be right next door! If you aren't happy with the set up on arrival then either don't leave your child in there, or go in there with him/her. Talk about making life complicated.

Wishihadabs Wed 15-May-13 08:22:56

I think B has far too much time on her hands. Surely you suss it out on the day and leave little B if everyone is happy if not you don't simples.

BeanoNoir Wed 15-May-13 07:47:38

The more I think about this the more I don't see a problem tbh. Friend a has provided a service at her wedding, friend b asked directly for a little bit more information about it. The nursery service is a nice thing to do; friend b can now satisfy herself that it is ok for her dcs.


Surely now the info has been given that's the end of it and everyone can be happy? Not sure why A needs to be cross or defensive or why B should be cross or picky.

The only thing that could make it difficult is others getting involved or friend a or b making more of it than they need to.

Kiriwawa Tue 14-May-13 22:33:42

I would respect your parenting choices if I were the b&g if you didn't make it my problem. which means you make a decision on the day and I never need to get involved. Its the fact that B has made this the bride's issue that makes it so incredibly rude

exoticfruits Tue 14-May-13 21:42:22

Just go and sit in with the entertainer-simple.

coffeewineandchocolate Tue 14-May-13 21:41:22

I wouldn't think my friend is incompetent, I see it as my responsibility to ensure my ds is happy and safe, not my friends.

I don't expect everyone to agree but I would expect a friend to respect my parenting choices, particularly if it's just a case of getting additional information

Cloverer Tue 14-May-13 21:38:07

If I was the bride I would say for goodness sake, just keep your child with you then!

coffeewineandchocolate Tue 14-May-13 21:36:18

I think everyone parents differently based on their own experiences and comfort zones. Any friends I have wouldn't have an issue with me doing what I needed to feel comfortable leaving my child with someone I did not know myself and vice versa. they certainly wouldn't take it personally!

exoticfruits Tue 14-May-13 21:32:58

Especially as you can go along there on the day and stay with them if not happy. But I am surprised that you think that a friend is incompetent to make a simple arrangement.

Cloverer Tue 14-May-13 21:30:52

I'm surprised you need to know about ratios, qualifications and experience in advance for someone to watch your toddler in another room in the same building.

exoticfruits Tue 14-May-13 21:14:47

Exactly Heebiejeebie! If your DC isn't happy you can always go in with them anyway.

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