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This screams 'awkward' to me but my 'family' tell me IABU (long)

(106 Posts)
grants1000 Mon 13-May-13 11:57:38

Very long story short, my brother and I have different Dads, same Mum. This all came out in the wash when we were in our 20's, we are now in our 40's) Recently (last couple of years) my brother (who is actually my half brother but has and will always be my brother) got in touch with his real Dad and his-half brother and sister.

My brother is getting married in August and all his new relations are coming to the wedding. There are no plans for me to meet them all beforehand. There is going to be a family dinner with all of us the night before the wedding and I think this is very weird all to meet up and be jolly dee with all this history. So if you have read this far and understand my brother will have both his real parents at his wedding and two new half siblings. Oh and my brothers real Dad has a long term girlfriend who will also be in attendance.

My Dad died many years ago and it just makes me feel very disloyal to him. I will say hello to them and be civil, but the thought of 'family photo's makes me want to run screaming/barf. And any sort of chat, ie: you look like your mum, nice to meet you etc etc - really?! I think 'fuck you asshole' to this man who has been fairly fucking useless since he started a relationship with my brother even though he thinks sun shines from every orofice; rock up to the wedding and play hero? I don't think so.

I am also sad and jelous that my brother will have both his parents at his wedding and I did not as my Dad died 10 months before I got married. I also have two children who know nothing of this who are at the wedding and I can't think for the life of me how to even start explaining it all, my head is currently fried, hence this post.

So much swirling in my head, am I being a petchulant child or as a grown up do I have the right to assert myself and feelings and be civil and limited in contact? They and he are no my family and I don't want a family style relationship, just a adult arms lenght one. Of course Iw on't make a scene and spoil the wedding type thing.

Or shall I just get pissed in corner and slope off early. Help me please.

grants1000 Mon 13-May-13 12:20:02

"If you can't be pleasant and polite then don't go." Where did I say I was not going to be pleasant?

RandomMess Mon 13-May-13 12:20:54

They are your brothers family so you'll just have to suck it up, have a drink or 5.

Bowlersarm Mon 13-May-13 12:21:25

But OP you are deliberately putting obstacles in the way.

You may or may not like your brothers new family members. But you aren't giving yourself a chance to find out.

I can understand that you may be a bit wary for your mums sake, although doesn't seem to be the case. You seem very concerned about yourself and your feelings, no one else's!

Badvoc Mon 13-May-13 12:21:29

Your post is mostly about you.
How you feel.
How this affects you.
It's your brothers wedding.
It's his dad and family.
Go and enjoy yourself fgs!

PeppermintPasty Mon 13-May-13 12:21:53

Surely all your family will expect is for you to be polite. Just be polite.

Bricklestick Mon 13-May-13 12:23:02

Just go, be pleasant, but don't be over-friendly. Frankly, I'm failing to see the problem in that case.

No one will be expecting you to act like happy families, but there is a small chance you might like the people, you know?

BlackAffronted Mon 13-May-13 12:23:34

Was your brother the product of an affair? Is that why you feel so weird abotu it? Otherwise, I don't really understand your stance on this.

grants1000 Mon 13-May-13 12:24:28

Lambzig - thanks, that is just what I feel and mean.

I am not hostile towards the siblings, only a bit towards the Dad, as he has let my brother down on so many previous occasions and my brother has done all the running regarding contact. I have had hours and endless talk with my brother about it all, seen the hurt and the disappointment which is why him being at the wedding is fine with me, but not in this sort of magical hero worship style that my brother has in his head, which is fine if that is what he wants, just being protective I suppose.

exexpat Mon 13-May-13 12:25:43

What exactly is going to be so hard to explain to an 11-year-old? They can understand the concept of half-siblings and all sorts of other things. If all this has been out in the open for nearly 20 years I can't understand why there should be anything mysterious.

Or is there some dark secret that you are not telling us? Because otherwise it does sound like you are making a big fuss about having some people you don't know at your brother's wedding. So your brother's birth-father has been a bit flakey by the sound of it; that's not exactly unusual...

grants1000 Mon 13-May-13 12:26:19

Yes the product of an affair my Mum, my Dad brought up my brother for over 27 years thinking he was his, but it all came out in the wash just before he died and when we were all in our late 20's, he did not at all regret it and stil saw my brother as his real son.

Blending Mon 13-May-13 12:28:17

There are always lots of people at weddings that you don't know.

Friends of the in-laws, cousins, aunts who are only seen on high days and holy days.

Yes I understand that this feels different, but it is about your brother and who he wants there.

So I would put them mentally in the same category as the above. People who if I was on the seating plan, randomly sat next to. By all means chat, be friendly but have no expectations.

EldritchCleavage Mon 13-May-13 12:28:31

Aha, well now I do understand it a bit better: bio Dad is unreliable and has caused hurt but is happy to come along to the wedding and play the big I Am?

Still, polite and friendly in a low-key way is the way to go. And his kids might be nice. After all, they will know very well what their father is like.

Thumbwitch Mon 13-May-13 12:29:32

I think you're overthinking it a bit, tbh. These are your brother's blood relations, not yours. So in reality, as they're not really related to your DC either, can't see the problem. It IS a bit like ILs, to be fair.

Why do you want to meet them beforehand? Do you feel like you should be treated as some sort of stepdaughter? I can maybe see that, but it's not really like that, is it?

So, ok, I think YAB a bit U and yes, a bit petulant.

Bowlersarm Mon 13-May-13 12:29:48

And another thing.........., if you are wary of your brothers dads input into his life, and think he will be forever letting him down, then it's even more essential than you show full support to your brother so you can always be there for him if/when he does let him down.

Don't lose the closeness with your brother, and be seen to support him, even if your heart isn't in it.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 13-May-13 12:30:59

You come across as very bitter...

Its always difficult with families but why are you not directing some of this to your mother?

BlackAffronted Mon 13-May-13 12:31:09

Ok, your last post clears things up a bit, the backstory sounds like it was hard for everyone. Just be polite & smile for your brother, its just 2 days of your life.

Blending Mon 13-May-13 12:36:32

X-post...ah that explains why you feel so awkward.

I would still take the same approach, as its obviously important to your brother, and you don't want to end up being the bad guy.

At this stage, if they are already invited, you could end being being seen as causing a problem, when everyone else is being reasonable.

I would feel the same as you, seeing the man who my mum had an affair with, playing the big man, and worry about my brother, given the way he has treated him previously. BUT I would swallow my pride and try and get on with it.

You've voiced your concerns to them already. Don't let it become a battle.

grants1000 Mon 13-May-13 12:37:32

"What exactly is going to be so hard to explain to an 11-year-old? They can understand the concept of half-siblings and all sorts of other things. If all this has been out in the open for nearly 20 years I can't understand why there should be anything mysterious."

Yes but my 11yo has no idea about all this and my brother will want his Dad to meet his nephews. My 10yo has no clue my brother has a Dad who is alive because as far as he knows my dad died years ago and suddently boom my brother has a new Dad, you can't just blurt that out without a bit of sensitivty?

DontmindifIdo Mon 13-May-13 12:38:06

Ah, the affair makes sense - this is the man your mum betrayed your Dad with, so I can see why you wouldn't want to be happy there. Have you talked to your mum about this? she's the one who let down your dad. Of course she's trying to say "it's not a problem" because she doesn't want the fact she cheating on her DH to be such a big deal. I can imagine she's trying to minimise this in order to not feel like the bad guy.

It might help you if you meet them beforehand, could you say to your brother you think it might be odd meeting them for the first time the night before the wedding, perhaps at least his siblings (who remember have not hurt anyone and you should be civil with, do not think you have any right to ask your brother to play favourites amongst his siblings) for a drink or bbq at his before the wedding so this first meeting isnt' at the wedding?

For photos, can you ask for one that's just bride, groom your mum and your family?

grants1000 Mon 13-May-13 12:38:42

"its always difficult with families but why are you not directing some of this to your mother?"

Because we have talked about it so many times over the years and whay happened and why and I understand it from her pov.

theFairyBiker Mon 13-May-13 12:38:44

"he did not at all regret it and still saw my brother as his real son"

then why are you referring to your brother's birth father as his "real" dad?

DontmindifIdo Mon 13-May-13 12:40:30

re your 11 year old, I see no reason to shield them unless you want to shield your mother - what's hard about saying "actually, my dad wasn't your uncle X's dad, we have the same mum but Y is his dad. My dad - your grandad - treated Uncle X as his own son and was a great step-dad." they don't need to know your dad didn't know, they don't need to know your mum had an affair. I assume all the family know now anyway?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Mon 13-May-13 12:42:15

What morloth said

BigBlockSingsong Mon 13-May-13 12:43:18

I can understand this is a headdoin' situation,

but tbh I think any anger you may have would be better directed at your mother by the sounds of it,

do you still have a relationship after finding that he'd been lied to?

YellowDinosaur Mon 13-May-13 12:45:20

Actually why has this been kept from your children anyway since it sounds as though it all came out before they were born? This is why it's become some big family secret.

I agree with those who say just be matter of fact with your kids about the while situation. And be polite, civil and open minded about your brothers relatives, not least because your brother deserves your support and love on his wedding day and this is important to him

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