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AIBU to think if your Daughter was grieving you would ring her?

(88 Posts)
puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 18:41:20

I have name changed because the topic may out me in RL!
If your Daughter's Husband died recently and she was alone with small children, would you ring every day to check they were OK?
Just genuinely wonder if that's the way to go or to let them ask for help?

Sleepingbunnies Mon 13-May-13 20:57:25

So sorry for your loss. sad life can really suck sad

Jestrin Mon 13-May-13 20:18:36

Sorry for your loss OP

DeWe Mon 13-May-13 10:08:50

Just to put a different spin on it.
I love my dm very much, but her phoning every day to see how I was would get me down. I'd feel things like I couldn't go for an early night in case she phoned and worried because I didn't answer the phone and things like that.
I need time on my own to work things through sometimes, and it would make me feel pressured to have to speak to someone, even someone as close as my mum, every day. When things are tough, I don't work through them by talking to people. I go inside me and work it through there.
I wouldn't feel I could say to her please don't phone, as I'd know she would be worrying about me being on my own.

So I don't know that I would phone every day. Because I know that wouldn't be what I would want. If my dd said that was what she wanted then I would be more than happy to. But it wouldn't show a lack of care or love that I didn't.
I hope that makes sense.

Sorry for your loss.

Areyoumadorisitme Mon 13-May-13 09:52:42

Just seen this. Very sorry for your loss.

As an aside, depending on what the business is, you may be able to sell it as a going concern which will save you winding it down and may net you some money. Worth a chat with an accountant or someone in the industry.

Keep strong and take care of yourself as well as the DC.

When my father died, I rang my mother every day for a year. That's after the part where I went straight down the next day to stay with her and help with the arrangements.

Puzzled - my deepest sympathies for your loss - I wish more than anything, I could give you a hug right now.

MTBMummy Mon 13-May-13 09:29:37

Hi Puzzled, in S Oxon if you need any support x

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 13-May-13 09:27:57

Sorry for your loss OP.

Holding your hand here too. xx

FadBook Mon 13-May-13 09:25:50

All the best puzzled we're all here for you

fromparistoberlin Mon 13-May-13 09:25:09

I am so sorry puzzled

there is nowt as queer as folk. and no, you not needy. not at all. My Mum is lovely but she can be crap like this too!

Take each day at a time, write losts of lists and be very realisttic about what you can get done

all my love XXXXXX

puzzled365 Mon 13-May-13 09:18:12

Making progress this am. I have made an appointment with GP to see if there's any help available. Also making a plan of which bit of 'stuff' to deal with first: taxman, solicitors, coroner,house sale, kids schooling, winding up business etc etc etc! Itseems never ending at the moment, but I know this at least has got to end and the next stage of our lives will happen anyway. Thanks to you all again for giving me the chance to 'speak' about my frustrations. Xx

independentfriend Sun 12-May-13 23:14:52

My advice: look for help somewhere else, if your parents aren't helping in useful ways. Yes it sucks, but your parents can't be changed and they're clearly not being supportive in a way that actually helps.

So, friends, colleagues, charities (maybe Winston's wish?) etc.

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 22:44:49

The poem is very true MumnGran. Telling a bereaved person they can call you is really no help at all.

rabbitlady Sun 12-May-13 22:33:37

she's my baby. i hope such a thing wouldn't happen but if it did i'd want to be there in whatever way she wanted.

when my marriage broke up, my previously unsupportive parents phoned me every day for over six months. usually my mum, but on the couple of occasions she couldn't make it, my dad rang. considering he rarely spoke, to have a fifteen-minute or more chat with his then-28 year old daughter was really something. i remember that now, when i visit my mum in her nursing home and speak to my dad every day on the phone, to make sure he has someone with whom he can share his worries.

i also remember that when i was three years old and had measles very badly, my mother sat with me in a darkened room, holding my hand, for three weeks. there's been a lot of bad stuff between that i don't bother to mention.

i don't know what your position is. i haven't read the whole thread. i think you might be the bereaved daughter, but you could be the mum.

whatever the case, i am sorry for the loss of a husband, father, and son-in-law and hope that support is forthcoming.

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 22:26:25

I read this somewhere, which pretty much sums it up for me:

*Please don't tell me to call you if there is anything you can help with
I am too exhausted to work out how you could help me.
I can barely work out how to get through the next hour!
Cook me dinner and leave it on the doorstep,
call me to say you will pick up my children from school.
or tell me you are going to the supermarket and
will pick me up on the way if I want to come.
Just don't tell me to call you if there is anything you can help with*

My heart goes out to you OP. As a mum of grown daughters, I would be with you already. But, people do differ, and not everyone deals well with loss.
I would give your parents a shot by calling them (if you can summon the strength) and telling them that you need them.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 12-May-13 22:07:06

oh puzzled. that is not good, so sorry for your loss. sad

have a good nights sleep if you can.

unfortunately, some people are crap at dealing with grief, sorry that you parents are some of them. you are a child in need of comfort and help nd they should be there for you. that is not needy.

don't worry about your dog for now. he will be fine in kennels, you and your children are more important at the moment. do what you need to to get you through.

facedontfit Sun 12-May-13 21:42:47

Hold on puzzled, you'll get through.

So very sorry for you & your childrens loss.

Best wishes for the future. flowers

ExcuseTypos Sun 12-May-13 21:33:15

Hope you get some sleep puzzled

Keep posting on MN if it helps you. There's always someone here to listen and hold your hand.x

puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 21:28:20

I have just managed to put the DCs to bed and I'm going up myself now, so goodnight to you all and thank you for being there. MN is amazing for this kind of support.
Love to you all and heartfelt thanks. X

Pigsmummy Sun 12-May-13 20:40:31

Your friends would much rather that you rang at the least convienient time rather than think that you didn't feel you could pick up the phone to them, please do reach out and don't wait for your parents support. The dog will be fine in kennels. Thinking of you x

NinaHeart Sun 12-May-13 20:31:52

Puzzled, I am so sorry for your loss and for your current bewilderment, if that's the word for it.
As several others have said, I am in mid-Kent and if I can help at all I would be honoured to do so.

phantomnamechanger Sun 12-May-13 19:57:31

What about your in laws, OP? are you close to them, geographically or emotionally? obviously they will have their own loss to deal with but you and the DC are their only link to their son now, I hope you can all come through this together. I know thats not the same as your own parents being there for you.

miffybun73 Sun 12-May-13 19:55:03

I wouldn't ring, I'd be physically there every day for as long as she wanted me.

If this is you then I'm so sorry for your loss.

Fancydrawers Sun 12-May-13 19:52:46

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please do call upon your friends, I'm sure they'd love to be there for you.

Chiggers Sun 12-May-13 19:50:10

I think it depends on the person TBH.

I wouldn't want my mum, dad or any other member of my family or friends calling me every day to see how things are. I'm afraid it would really irritate me, especially when I'm trying to get things organised and sorted.

That's just me though. I'm an extremely private person and prefer to talk briefly about boring stuff that people don't want to know about.

firesidechat Sun 12-May-13 19:48:57

My children are all grown up and one married so I can easily imagine how we would be in these circumstances.

We would do everything that we possibly could to help one of our daughters if this happened to them. We would be physically there in a heartbeat and give as much comfort and practical help as we could. I can't actually understand why you wouldn't have this reaction as a parent and I'm so sorry that this hasn't been your experience.

Have they been helpful at any point?

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