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AIBU to think if your Daughter was grieving you would ring her?

(88 Posts)
puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 18:41:20

I have name changed because the topic may out me in RL!
If your Daughter's Husband died recently and she was alone with small children, would you ring every day to check they were OK?
Just genuinely wonder if that's the way to go or to let them ask for help?

wonderstuff Sun 12-May-13 19:24:27

If I was one of your mates with family I'd be happy for you to call me randomly x I'm in Hampshire you're near and I can help I will.

Scruffey Sun 12-May-13 19:25:23

My dh left us, so very different situation but my mother was here every single day for a while. Even my wayward father (they're divorced) came twice in one week. I am appalled your parents are not helping you in your far worse situation.

You probably can ring your rl school run friends whenever you need. If you feel that ringing is hard send a text asking if they are able to talk/help. I would certainly help my friends in this situation.

everlong Sun 12-May-13 19:25:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner Sun 12-May-13 19:26:34

puzzled If I am near you and I can come and help you out I will, gladly.

Your parents are being pretty odd and unreasonable, and it may be that you have to tell them what it is that you want them to do - my dad is like this - i.e. stop wittering on about the dog and actually come and be nice to me and the DCs.

phantomnamechanger Sun 12-May-13 19:28:34

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and that this is being compounded by your feeling that your parents have let you down when you need them.

Are you usually very close? How long since you lost your DH? Is this maybe a generational thing - they think that you should be strong and get on with things by now? They may think that you need the space to sort yourself out, that they have to let you go it alone? They may be scared of overstepping the mark and interferring(though the dog comments don't sound like it)

I know that when we had a very late miscariage, some people thought we should be "over it" once the funeral had happened. yes life has to carry on but we dont just bounce straight back from these things - you will have bad days and less bad days. eventually the less bad days are more frequent than the bad days.

I hope you have lots of lovely friends around you helping you.
I am sure you will find a supportive friend on here at any time of day or night if you need to rant, complain or just have someone for virtual handholding (hugs)

StuntGirl Sun 12-May-13 19:31:12

I'm so sorry for your loss puzzled flowers

You're not asking too much at all, your parents are doing far too little.

Would it be possible to literally spell it out? Call them and say "Mum, Dad; I'm really struggling. The dog is the least of my concerns right now. I need help. Can you give me that?"

If not, fuck them off and lean on those who are truly supportive. Don't worry about your friends having family of their own, they will want to help and support you. Surround yourself with the people who really love you, you need that right now. x

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 19:32:32

Of course they should puzzled. I am so sorry -I have been in your position. People say 'call me any time if you need anything' but it is useless-you don't feel up to it, it is much better if they call you.
It would be worth a look at WAY foundation a self help group for young and widowed. I have no personal experience, it wasn't around when I was a widow, but I found talking to others in the same situation the best help.

snufflepops Sun 12-May-13 19:33:21

Puzzled - Firstly I am really sorry for your loss.

Please don't feel you can ring up friends randomly - especially if they have families.

I am sure most people will 100% want to help you.

Handling grief or just getting through the day minute by minute can be a huge physical and emotional ordeal and so I think posting here is brave and positive.

Some people are better than others at offering help but please seek it out when you can for you and your children.

And ofcourse the dog is being looked after!


phantomnamechanger Sun 12-May-13 19:33:39

I don't feel I can ring up randomly if you were my friend I would want you to feel you could.

as for the dog, you are doing the responsible thing - thats one extra thing you just cant cope with at the moment and he is being well cared for right where he is, so ignore that remark - maybe it was their careless way of hoping you were getting back to some semblance of normality and routine

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 19:37:20

If you have been there you know that you can't just ring up people randomly, however much they tell you to-it is all too much. If you have friends who are in OP's situation you do need to contact them. The best ones were the ones who phoned and said 'I am going an hour, do you want to come?'-even saying 'do you want to come next Tues?' is a bit difficult-you live day by day-the future is impossible to deal with.

gordyslovesheep Sun 12-May-13 19:39:18

oh how Sad xxxx

If I am near (Tamworth) and can help please say x

TeamEdward Sun 12-May-13 19:40:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong Sun 12-May-13 19:42:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat Sun 12-May-13 19:48:57

My children are all grown up and one married so I can easily imagine how we would be in these circumstances.

We would do everything that we possibly could to help one of our daughters if this happened to them. We would be physically there in a heartbeat and give as much comfort and practical help as we could. I can't actually understand why you wouldn't have this reaction as a parent and I'm so sorry that this hasn't been your experience.

Have they been helpful at any point?

Chiggers Sun 12-May-13 19:50:10

I think it depends on the person TBH.

I wouldn't want my mum, dad or any other member of my family or friends calling me every day to see how things are. I'm afraid it would really irritate me, especially when I'm trying to get things organised and sorted.

That's just me though. I'm an extremely private person and prefer to talk briefly about boring stuff that people don't want to know about.

Fancydrawers Sun 12-May-13 19:52:46

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please do call upon your friends, I'm sure they'd love to be there for you.

miffybun73 Sun 12-May-13 19:55:03

I wouldn't ring, I'd be physically there every day for as long as she wanted me.

If this is you then I'm so sorry for your loss.

phantomnamechanger Sun 12-May-13 19:57:31

What about your in laws, OP? are you close to them, geographically or emotionally? obviously they will have their own loss to deal with but you and the DC are their only link to their son now, I hope you can all come through this together. I know thats not the same as your own parents being there for you.

NinaHeart Sun 12-May-13 20:31:52

Puzzled, I am so sorry for your loss and for your current bewilderment, if that's the word for it.
As several others have said, I am in mid-Kent and if I can help at all I would be honoured to do so.

Pigsmummy Sun 12-May-13 20:40:31

Your friends would much rather that you rang at the least convienient time rather than think that you didn't feel you could pick up the phone to them, please do reach out and don't wait for your parents support. The dog will be fine in kennels. Thinking of you x

puzzled365 Sun 12-May-13 21:28:20

I have just managed to put the DCs to bed and I'm going up myself now, so goodnight to you all and thank you for being there. MN is amazing for this kind of support.
Love to you all and heartfelt thanks. X

ExcuseTypos Sun 12-May-13 21:33:15

Hope you get some sleep puzzled

Keep posting on MN if it helps you. There's always someone here to listen and hold your hand.x

facedontfit Sun 12-May-13 21:42:47

Hold on puzzled, you'll get through.

So very sorry for you & your childrens loss.

Best wishes for the future. flowers

BlackeyedSusan Sun 12-May-13 22:07:06

oh puzzled. that is not good, so sorry for your loss. sad

have a good nights sleep if you can.

unfortunately, some people are crap at dealing with grief, sorry that you parents are some of them. you are a child in need of comfort and help nd they should be there for you. that is not needy.

don't worry about your dog for now. he will be fine in kennels, you and your children are more important at the moment. do what you need to to get you through.

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 22:26:25

I read this somewhere, which pretty much sums it up for me:

*Please don't tell me to call you if there is anything you can help with
I am too exhausted to work out how you could help me.
I can barely work out how to get through the next hour!
Cook me dinner and leave it on the doorstep,
call me to say you will pick up my children from school.
or tell me you are going to the supermarket and
will pick me up on the way if I want to come.
Just don't tell me to call you if there is anything you can help with*

My heart goes out to you OP. As a mum of grown daughters, I would be with you already. But, people do differ, and not everyone deals well with loss.
I would give your parents a shot by calling them (if you can summon the strength) and telling them that you need them.

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