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to want my husband to have a bit of 'get up and go'?

(6 Posts)
myfurbyiseday Sun 12-May-13 16:04:27

Quite simply he has none. He avoids confrontation or conflict at all costs. He cannot (will not?) stand up for himself or his family.

When we first me I just thought he was laid back. If anything needed 'doing' it was always down to me to do. For example if a complaint had to be made I had to do it. The amount of times i have had to ring up on his behalf and demand something be sorted out because he will literally just lay down and die and let people walk all over him.

Part of the problem is he was bullied by his parents as a child and as such has little self confidence. I could handle it when it was just me and him but now we have children I cannot stand him never standing up for me or his children.

For eg his parents are extremely rude to me and my children. They make racist comments about my parents. They slag me off to their relatives. My dh knows all this but says and does nothing. He refuses to confront them. Instead he continues to have nice little chats with them on the phone all the time knowing what they think of me (they hate that I have a job, think I should be a full time 'housewife').

It's getting to the point where I'm wondering if our relationship can survive. I want someone that will stand up for me! Is this too much to ask? Feeling it today as he stood by and let a man scream and shout at me in a supermarket because I bumped into man by mistake with my shopping trolley. Our children were with us but my DH did nothing!

MoelFammau Sun 12-May-13 16:10:32

I get your frustration. My DH is the same. He's currently being assessed for Aspergers Syndrome though so maybe it's a different ball game.

We've split up for 6 months in an effort to get DH to fucking fend for himself and stand up for things. No idea if it'll work though.

Nothing much to say, just a LOT of sympathy.

LittleMissLucy Sun 12-May-13 17:04:18

I would just cut out his parents - if they are racist bullies you don't want them round your kids anyway, and you don't want your kids seeing how their dad reacts to them - its not a positive lesson.

cheeseandchive Sun 12-May-13 17:33:42

Ahh OP, that sounds seriously frustrating.

I'm sure you've tried everything, but it just struck me reading your post that his passivity is actually a form of joining in with the abuse (whether it's from his parents, the man in the supermarket). By standing by and letting it all happen, he is effectively agreeing with the people that belittle you and joining in with them. He probably wouldn't see it like that, but maybe you could try and communicate that point of view and see if that helps him understand why it hurts you so much.

How does he react when you bring it up with him? Does he say it'll change, or does he not see the need to do anything?

myfurbyiseday Sun 12-May-13 17:58:08

cheese you are right, I do feel belittered. I am perfectly able to stand up for myself but feel that DH shouldn't just stand by and let people abuse and insult me.

I have spoken to him so many times. I have cut all contact with his family as they are just awful. Their racist attitude in particular towards my parents really upsets me and though DH admits their behaviour is unacceptable he ends up condoning it my having his nice little chats on the phone to them and ignoring the way he treats me and my family.

I brought up the issue again today. He said that he is 'pro-active' in his working life and cant help being they way he is in his personal life. That he hates confrontation of any kind.

cheeseandchive Sun 12-May-13 22:09:02

Hmm...it's fine to hate confrontation, that's not unreasonable of him, but what's totally out of sync is the effect it's having on you and the extent to which he stands by and watches you get hurt. He's right in that he can't help his natural inclination towards being non-confrontational, what he can help is take responsibility for it and not let it control his life. He's not a victim, he's a father and a husband and he has a responsibility to you and DC first and foremost.

You say he was bullied by his parents in the past. Is it possible that he just lets them get on with it because he still wants to gain their approval (as he does by not confronting them)? Could that be why he thinks he 'can't help' the way he is, because he still feels like a victim? He needs to know that actually he's making choices that are damaging his wife and children, regardless of whether he sees it that way or not.

Sorry, I know I've probably not said anything new but just wanted to explore it a bit with you and try and get to the bottom of it as I really feel for you!

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