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to feel I'm 'losing' my son?

(75 Posts)
LostHim Sun 12-May-13 10:27:16

Yes I'm sure IABU....

We have 2 teenage boys. Eldest boy is 15 and he's 'grown up' what seems like very suddenly. Weekends used to be doing things as family, town, cinema, meal out. Now he doesn't want to do anything with us. He is either out with his friends and when he is here, all he wants to do is skype.

I miss him, we have lost 'the connection' somehow. He doesn't want to talk to me. He says I'm embarrassing! What is upsetting me also is that this is surely the start of a very long period to come.....when he goes to university etc.

As I type I know I'm being silly. I can't clip his wings I know. But I feel so upset.

WhyMeWhyNot Sun 12-May-13 13:54:32

If you look at it as if the situation was reversed you would worry just as much. If he had no friends, followed you round the house all day, wanted to come with you every time you went shopping etc you would worry he wasn't maturing properly. As a mum our job is to help them fly, he's testing his wings right now.
The worst time for me was when they stopped kisses at bedtime. Now they're grown with wives of their own but i get the kisses again. Even though only at hello and goodbye smilesmilesmilesmile

BackforGood Sun 12-May-13 13:57:12

I'm just amazed that he has been spending weekends doing 'family things' with you up until now ! shock.
My dc have busy social lives of their own, and have done for many years before hitting 15.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-May-13 14:03:36

You know,(and this is a bit off topic) I was thinking this morning how families seem to spend more time together as a family than they did in the 80's when I was growing up.
Or maybe it was just my family, but as I recall, we NEVER did much all together. A holiday once a year, and every evening meal, yes. The VERY occasional trip out somewhere, but generally weekends/after school, we would all go off and do our own thing, from age 5/6 onwards.
It's good. It's a good thing to be away from your family as a kid, especially as you grow up.
They NEED that privacy and independence.
Children are attached to you on pieces of elastic, if you have done your job right.
Having said that, I only have a 7 yr old, and I have already informed him that I WILL be living next door to him when he grows up (he has signed the paperwork etc) so I have that as insurance. wink

qualitytoffee Sun 12-May-13 14:07:06

losthim..honestly, hes still your boy! smile
If hes hurting, or worrying about things, i'd bet my house that you are the first person he'd come to.
Lookit, my son is 17, and he spends half of his time in his room, xboxing and chatting to his mates, but i still get the (occasional) hugs and kisses shock
Its a transitional change, but rest assured as long as he knows your there, you'll always have him x

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 14:15:59

Losthim .... this is so normal it should be included in the same list as colicky babies and 2yr old tantrums.
All teenagers think their parents are embarrassing, its a rite of passage, but it actually says a lot about the quality of your relationship that he is able to openly speak with you about how he feels, at that level.

It will get worse but as Ifnotnowthenwhen said "Children are attached to you on pieces of elastic, if you have done your job right"
There comes a day (sometime in their twenties) when they come back to you .....suddenly you don't appear to be quite such an embarrassment ...and might actually have the occasional useful thought to contribute grin

Parenting is tough, and this stage is why golden-oldies tend to say " enjoy them when they are young" ..... because the stage of not needing you, or wanting you, is hard to take.
But it IS a testament to how well you have done the job of teaching them to be independent young adults flowers

Ragwort Sun 12-May-13 15:05:15

Ifnot says a lot of sense, there is loads more 'talk' these days about 'family time (hate that expression), family days out etc etc.

As with Ifnot - when I was growing up we rarely did things 'as a family' past primary school age; meals out in restaurants were strictly birthday treats, the occasional visit to grandparents/relations but we didn't have visits to theme parks etc - not because of the expense, it just wasn't the norm. We would have our own activities, and most of my friends would all have Saturday jobs from age about 12, I know that's not so possible these days or I would be out babysitting etc (blush - no way would I employ a 13/14 year old as a babysitter myself but I had many holiday jobs minding children !). As I said earlier, I wouldn't have been seen dead going on a family holiday after the age of 12.

I think of our expectations of 'family life' are much higher these days.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-May-13 15:15:44

I was a 13 year old babysitter too Ragwort- To a five year old. Luckily he was quite sensible!

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-May-13 15:20:19

And yes, I think the expectation of "family time" is quite a lot of pressure too.
I was actually thinking about it all because it's Sunday, and ds and I were a bit bored and didn't fancy going anywhere , and he wanted to ask a friend over.
I didn't want to because if I do invite one of his friends over at the weekend, they can never come, because they are out on a family day out or something. (I don't think these are excuses btw-we see them lots after school etc, and do holiday kid swaps, so I don't think it's that they hate us!)
I have stopped expecting to see other kids at weekends, because weekends are "family time" for them. I would be happier if ds could just call at his friend's down the road and have a play and I could have a nap

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 12-May-13 15:21:25

If that sounds like I am trying to offload ds on another family, I would be just as happy to play host to other kids. I like having a house full of kids!

hugoagogo Sun 12-May-13 15:23:18

Yes dd's friends are hardly ever allowed out to play, because they have their evenings and weekends planned for them.

HarrySnotter Sun 12-May-13 15:25:19

Oh this all makes me feel like crying! DS is 9 and so cuddly and affectionate. He's going to hate me in a couple of years and I'll be gutted!

Wuldric Sun 12-May-13 15:40:34

Nah, don't cry. DS is taller than me now, and has just picked me up and flung me on the sofa. He does that from time to time. I think it is a sign of affection. It is a different dynamic with teenagers, but there are still precious moments.

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 12-May-13 15:40:36

Thinking more about this ....we don't lose our sons. We lose our boys and rather like a butterfly after a while they emerge as men but rather than from a chrysallis from the awkwarndness of adolescence.

jellybeans Sun 12-May-13 15:43:11

It sounds normal and is just as likely with girls as boys. It is the road to becoming independent people which is our aim as parents even though it is hard. They tend to attach more to peers at this age than parents. However I was the same with my parents and now we are super close so it is usually only a teenage thing I think.

cory Sun 12-May-13 16:07:11

Harry, he won't hate you just because he is a man and has his own life. Assuming that you had good parents that you love, are you actually spending every spare moment with them? Would you not find it annoying if they expected that? It's not a sign of hate, it's a sign of independence.

orangeandemons Sun 12-May-13 17:10:09

Oh Harry I remember feeling like that, my ds was so cute and cuddly. But you know he is still like that now...but better.

He's just sent a text telling me how much he loved me....and we can talk about current affairs and all sorts of interesting stuff.

noddyholder Sun 12-May-13 17:13:34

Don't worry My ds went through this. He is going to uni this autumn and although I will miss him like mad it feels time. He is much nicer and closer to us now than he was in what I call the 2 year wilderness 15-17. He is coming on holiday with us next week and is looking forward to it and he talks a lot about when uni ends and he is back home All my mates whose children have graduated have them back living at home mostly and see them masses. Today we have all been home and had a big brunch and read the papers etc Don't panic!!!!!!!

80sMum Sun 12-May-13 17:31:56

Aw, don't worry OP. Just think of this as his "chrysalis" stage. He's going through the metamorphosis from child to adult. When he comes out of it, he'll still be your son and you'll find each other again on a different level.

If DS (newly 17) is spending the weekend with friends we often ask him to come back in time for dinner one of the evenings. He'll say "why?" and we say "because we like to see you too" and he'll grunt "ok". We don't have cell phones etc during meals, they all get put away so that is guaranteed family time.

Oh and I usually try to serve something he really likes at that meal, it helps with future cooperation.

valiumredhead Sun 12-May-13 17:40:00

I know exactly how you feel and ds is only 12 sad

lateSeptember1964 Sun 12-May-13 18:24:25

Not very good at links but this sums it up for me.

lateSeptember1964 Sun 12-May-13 18:24:50


lateSeptember1964 Sun 12-May-13 18:39:08

I just can't get the hang of linking. Hope you get to see it as its just lovely. As the mother of four boys I know the feeling

noddyholder Sun 12-May-13 18:43:49

I think things like that re a bit miserable!

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