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to feel I'm 'losing' my son?

(75 Posts)
LostHim Sun 12-May-13 10:27:16

Yes I'm sure IABU....

We have 2 teenage boys. Eldest boy is 15 and he's 'grown up' what seems like very suddenly. Weekends used to be doing things as family, town, cinema, meal out. Now he doesn't want to do anything with us. He is either out with his friends and when he is here, all he wants to do is skype.

I miss him, we have lost 'the connection' somehow. He doesn't want to talk to me. He says I'm embarrassing! What is upsetting me also is that this is surely the start of a very long period to come.....when he goes to university etc.

As I type I know I'm being silly. I can't clip his wings I know. But I feel so upset.

Faxthatpam Sun 12-May-13 11:46:41

As others have said. They come back, and its lovely. Some take longer than others to get over it, but when they do it is an amazing and wonderful thing to see your children become adults.
YY to the needing thing too.

LadyEdith Sun 12-May-13 11:49:36

It's technology as well isn't it. When I was 15 my bedroom was freezing as money was tight and my parents didn't put the heating on upstairs. When I wasn't at school I was mainly with my parents in the living room. Sometimes my friends were there too, or I was in their parents' living rooms. No choice really. No laptop, no mobile phone, no ipod with headphones. Very different for today's teenagers.

ExcuseTypos Sun 12-May-13 11:49:41

Agree with you hugo. Try have to distance themselves for a time, inorder to become confident, independent adults.

They do come back to you. For now keep telling them you love them- even when they tell you your embarrassing.

thebody Sun 12-May-13 11:53:21

Aw op perfectly normal.

My lads are now 23 and 22 and just last week we went for a drink. 3 grown ups together and had a really good laugh.

At 15 and 16 all I was needed for was a lift and a tenner.

My girls are now 14 and 13 and all change again.

He will come back to you. Keep up the daily hug, pat on the back and smiles.

It will all be ok.

mrsjay Sun 12-May-13 11:55:16

you are right lady teenagers socialise on the internet nowadays , it is what they do ,

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 12-May-13 11:55:38

Ours are 15 and 18. They do come back and get nicer again but for the time being it's about finding their indepenndence and more importantly learning to be happy with who they are. It's also a transition for us from one seaason of our lives to another one. The next season gives us freedoms too.

The only thing I have ever insisted on is Sunday roastwhich we have at 6 and attendance, unless there is a formal invitation elsewhere is not negotiable. He skypes - OP didn't you argue with your parents over blocking the phone for everyone else.

All will be well

pantsjustpants Sun 12-May-13 12:02:21

My eldest two ds's are nearly 24 & 21 (also have nearly 7yr old dd and 16mth ds), and I just have the greatest relationship with them now. They did the grunting and too embarrassed to be seen with me thing for a while, but by 18 they're coming back to you and it's a lovely grownup relationship.

You should be proud that he has the confidence to act like this. He'll be back!

Whoknowswhocares Sun 12-May-13 12:04:49

My son was exactly the same. He is now 19 and has been back to his lovely, family orientated self for about a year now
He is actually quite embarrassed about the 'silent phase' now! says there was no reason for it and he can't understand himself why he was like it.
It's a natural part of growing up though, they need to pull away from us to develop their independence.

Lifeisontheup Sun 12-May-13 12:08:32

My Ds was like that at 15 now at 19 he is very affectionate and happy to be with me. All of them still want to come on holiday with us how ever much we try to discourage them grin
As my 21 year old dd said 'it's a free holiday, what's not to like?'

cory Sun 12-May-13 12:12:43

I have a 16yo with severe anxiety issues: my fear has been that she needs me far too much and might not be able to become independent. Seriously, you don't want to be in my shoes. Be proud and thankful of your independent 15yo.

Kewcumber Sun 12-May-13 12:12:48

My DS is only 7. However I have two brother in laws who obviously never went to the dark side but stayed firmly attached to their mother. Didn't move more than a mile away - lived together, still bring their washing home, unmarried and still holiday with their parents (in their 50's).

Having your teenager go to the dark side for a while is asmall price to pay in my experience for having well adjusted adult children in years to come. Developing independence is a sign that all your work has been worthwhile.

Areyoumadorisitme Sun 12-May-13 12:14:41

We have ds12 and 9. The 12yo is just starting the teen phase. What worries me is that I don't think I was too bad until 15ish but I can remember really hating my parents when I was in sixth form before going to uni. It certainly took moving to uni to get me back to liking them.

It will be a long journey.

exoticfruits Sun 12-May-13 12:23:47

Once they go away from home they really appreciate you!

financialwizard Sun 12-May-13 12:31:56

My DS who is 12 is also like this, Breaks my heart but I am holding on to him changing as he gets older (probably 20 years).

time4chocolate Sun 12-May-13 12:46:43

I also would echo what cory said - I have a DS (12) with ASD (high functioning) and lots if social/anxiety issues and I would give my right leg to be in your position in a few years time, for my son to want to prefer to be with friends for a couple if years and then return to me as an independant young adult, however, I feel this will not happen and he will be with us forever (not that this is a problem) but not what I envisaged life would be like for him pre diagnosis .Just thought I would post from an alternative perspective.

Ragwort Sun 12-May-13 12:51:08

financialwizard - was just about to post exactly the same about my 12 year old son. It is such a struggle to find anything to do as a family, we watched a tv programme a week ago together, had a lovely evening, we had recorded the same programme to watch last night, he refused to, sad. All we are useful for is taxi service grin.

However, I can remember being the same, I refused to go on any family holiday from about 12, being with my parents was so 'uncool', now my DPs are in their 80s and we all enjoy each other's company, in fact DM, DS and I are planning a joint holiday. grin.

tallulah Sun 12-May-13 12:55:33

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain

OhLori Sun 12-May-13 13:00:56

Interesting thread. I feel my son becoming very independent. He's 10.

LadySlatternlysHoover Sun 12-May-13 13:03:07

Oh, goodness, being an embarrassing parent to a teenager is par for the course.

In fact, it's a superpower that you hold as you can always threaten to do something extra embarrassing if they don't behave. grin

My DSs are 18 and 21 now and we are very, very close.

Acandlelitshadow Sun 12-May-13 13:05:12

Echoing what everyone else has said.

15 is the end of the worst teen bit IME. By 16 they're nearly human again and it just gets better from then on.

That said, Ds1 is very much his own man at 21 and doing his uni placement year. We can go quite a long time without hearing from him although he still likes to hibernate here when he has a few days off grin.

We can't get rid of 20 year old dd. She's 2nd year uni and never seems to be there grin.

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 12-May-13 13:31:26

I do recall obtaining compliance by threaening to kiss ds wwhenever I droppped or picked him up btw. Worked a treat !

LadySlatternlysHoover Sun 12-May-13 13:33:56

marriedinwhite - yes, exactly!!

I also threatened to roller blade to parents evening grin

Acandlelitshadow Sun 12-May-13 13:36:49

I've been known to threaten to sing when all their friends are round. Always works grin

NorksAreMessy Sun 12-May-13 13:43:25

Roots and wings, roots and wings smile

DS is 16 and mostly his own person, so when he chooses to spend time with us, he is wonderful, but seeing him growing in confidence and independence is even more wonderful.

Iggi101 Sun 12-May-13 13:45:24

Talcandturnips - just to say regarding the last holiday thing, I had my last childhood holiday with parents at around 15. But since then I've had the odd holiday with them in my 20s, 30s, and now in 40s we are going on a joint holiday, complete with grandkids - so she may be back! grin

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