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AIBU?

to be pissed off with ex on behalf of my dc

26 replies

worley · 11/05/2013 23:30

ok.. sorry this may be longish.. not sure wether to post on here, lone parents or step parents?! so choose here..

Ex dp collects ds from school twice a week and has him for 1 hour 45 mins each time. he does not have dc overnight or weekends. pick up is his only time he will have dc. ds has adhd and has been through 3 childminders within 18 months as they were unable to cope with his hyperactivity.
ex and i both work full time. he pays no maintenance (Long story :( ) i pick up once a week and my mum picks up twice a week also (as well as working)
it is ex birthday this weekend, he was meant to be having tea with the dc to give them time to see him and g

OP posts:

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worley · 11/05/2013 23:30

sorry on

OP posts:

worley · 11/05/2013 23:33

oh dear on iphone!!!

um... ex meant to have birthday tea with dc..

get message two days ago saying he cant do his pick up as hes been put on a course at short notice and i have to sort it. i cant as need more notice than this.. i get no response.. i rung his work this morning to be t

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worley · 11/05/2013 23:38

ahhhh!!!

ring his work to be told hes not in till tuesday, i ask them to pass message on, his colleague texts him for me. i then get a response to say hes abroad and its my problem i have to sort it. turned out his new gf(who he works with) had organised it all, arranged his boss to pretend he had a course to get him to cover his pick up.

now.. AIBU to be pissed off that gf organised this and left the dc out of it and now unable to see their dad as we had organised and left me stranded with no cover for ds.
ive been fuming all day. is it just me being silly or would you be annoyed to?

i really apologise for my terrible posting while on this phone!!!!

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Apileofballyhoo · 11/05/2013 23:48

YANBU

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 11/05/2013 23:56

Yanbu the gfs a twat, presuming she's childless? and therefore clueless

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 11/05/2013 23:57

im

BlackeyedSusan · 12/05/2013 00:08

veryconfusedatthemoment · 12/05/2013 01:25

I would be really cross. He picks him up 2 times each week and doesn't have them at weekends so why did she book it so that it clashed with one of his evenings? ie only 2 evenings out of 7 had to be avoided. He also has lied. Shame on the boss as well - he sounds like he knew too.

But I am not sure what you can do. (My key board's playing up now - must be catching!). If you try to formalise contact through the court it doesn't sound like it will improve things for you.

What I would do though is perhaps write him a letter or email stating that you work full time too and that you cannot take time off work at less than x days notice. So that in future you expect him to respect that particularly that AT PRESENT he is not paying any maintenance for his children. Although if he is working why can you not put a claim in through CSA?

worley · 12/05/2013 07:25

yes shes childless. although they both work in a children's home so maybe may have thought the dc or ex may have wanted to still have the birthday thing.
oh it was bad enough arguing about it being short notice and i couldnt cover it and to be told to get a childminder - when ex knows da cant go to one. but to the find out she took him abroad so they had no hope of seeing him. just arghhhh

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worley · 12/05/2013 07:35

ha ha... i was tempted to throw phone out of window.. i typed a reply last night and then couldnt get page to load on mn? was the site down for a while? so i gave up!

as i earn a lot more than what he does he does begrudge paying me towards the dc. (im not a high earner but have worked hard to get to my band in the NHS) when ive mentioned this before he threatens to not do pick ups is if go to csa and sadly ds2 worships him. ds1 has hos head more firmly screwed on and knows what he is like. but that part is an entirely different thread..

i just find it so sad and annoyin thay they both work with children who have been pit into care because of abuse and yet they do this amongst other things.

whilst we had a text argument yesterday he replied and saidthere was nothing wrong with his partner surpriseing him with a trip away. to which i replied that yes it was a nice idea but she left his children out of his birthday celebration and without childcare cover. i got told to F off and told he hates me for making him feel guilty.

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worley · 12/05/2013 07:38

thankyou for letting me rant and your replies:( its not easy typing a long message and starting a thread on this phone and i seem to have fumble fingers last night and this morning!

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Numberlock · 12/05/2013 07:49

I think you're angry with the wrong person. She's not their parent, he is.

RedHelenB · 12/05/2013 09:51

He has a job he needs to pay maintenance, Maybe then you could use some of that money for childcare.

Loulybelle · 12/05/2013 10:04

Go to the CSA, he does minimal for your DCs, and your letting him, make him feel as guilty as possible.

LindyHemming · 12/05/2013 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 12/05/2013 10:15

He sounds stupid as well as uncaring if he really believes there is nothing wrong with agreeing to a sudden trip away when you have child care committments.
My exhusband would never just vanish like that, you don't give surprise holidays to parents of young children and you don't accept them.
I agree that if he has a job he should be contributing

MrsTomHardy · 12/05/2013 10:16

Phone the Csa first thing tomorrow.
Don't let him bully you.

Fleecyslippers · 12/05/2013 11:01

They are both selfish arses. Trouble is if he has now found some sad woman to enable his behaviour it's only going to get worse and you trying to.make him see sense will only cause you and ultimately your kids more distress.

If you want to break this pattern of him messing the kids about I would really think seriously about going to the CSA and also seeking mediation to set some formal contact in place. This is so unfair on the kids.

RandomMess · 12/05/2013 11:10

Perhaps you could use maintenance to find someone to look after just your children after school? If it's less than 2 hours per day it doesn't need to be a registered childminder.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 12/05/2013 11:11

I would agree with everyone over the CSA. Why does he think he can get away with not paying maintenance? And to say he won't pick the children up if you go down te CSA route .

It unfortunately sounds like his new girlfriend is either thoughtless or manipulative and he is too stupid or not bothered enough to stick up for his kids.

digerd · 12/05/2013 11:51

As his boss is aiding and abetting him , he could help him to lie about his wages too.
I had a friend whose boss was in love with her, and he defrauded the Housing benefits dept. on her behalf

I was disgusted with her and I'm disgusted with your ex and his boss < not that I'm suggesting he is in love with him!!>

Your poor DC

Go for the CSA, I'm sure they will need more proof than my friend had to produce many years ago.

LouiseSmith · 12/05/2013 11:55

YANBU - But its not the gfs fault. Your DC probably mean little to her, maybe she didn't even think about your DC. Your ex still has the power to say no, I have to see my child then.

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fuzzywuzzy · 12/05/2013 12:02

Apply to the CSA. At least with the extra moeny you would beable to afford proper reliable chidlcare as apposed ot being at your ex's mercy at all times.

Does your son have a statement? My friends son does and she gets respite and has also been put in touch with childminders who specialise in caring for children with his condition, I have no idea how to go looking for that tho sorry. Shes a midwife and needs good childminders sometimes overnight depending on her shift.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 12/05/2013 12:02

It amazes me time and again when reading threads like this one that some men (and not all I know) can so easily walk away from any responsibility whatsoever when it comes to their children.

What if we all did that when a relationship failed. What if mum couldn't be arsed either, what on earth would happen to all these children that just seem to get in the way of the adults' lives!

I think you have every right to be mightily pissed off with him OP. He should want to pay maintenance, they are his kids fgs! He should want to spend time with them.

Unfortunately, you can't make someone behave like a decent human being if they are quite simply not one. His gf (although not a parent) should've been more thoughtful (I am guessing you don't have a great relationship?) and you shouldn't have to pick up all the pieces when they decide they want a break!

Good luck to you OP, sounds like you will need it in the future.

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Oldraver · 12/05/2013 12:28

Good God...this man is looking after vunerable children when he cant even care for his own properly ?

CSA straight away, you can do it online. He is using the I wont do pick ups (as he knows its a 'weak' area for you and messes you about) to get out of paying maintenence but goes and messes you and the DC's about anyway.

Flip

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