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to think that my daughter's friend is not being looked after properly?

(193 Posts)
poppymay13 Sat 11-May-13 20:11:45

Her mum's at work most of the time and her dad is unemployed with a drink problem. The parents are not together but live together still. One day I rang at 930 inviting her out. Went to pick her up at 1130 & she wasn't ready cos her dad had fallen back asleep. So she was basically unsupervised. My daughter went there for tea a couple of weeks ago & she said they got KFC (ugh) on the way home & then fell asleep for the whole time my daughter was there. Needless to say she's not going there again. Pretty disgusted especially as I so often take his daughter out to save her from a dull day with him. She's got chapped lips, isn't fed very healthy food and dressed in tatty dirty clothes. I'm not snobby but I do think being regularly hungover or drunk in charge of a 7 y.o. is unacceptable.

CombineBananaFister Sat 11-May-13 20:32:25

Like others said, I think there is maybe more to it than you are describing otherwise it just comes across as you being a bit uptight about the Colonel.

Dad being a drunk and falling asleep = unacceptable. Dad being knackered and having a nap = fine. Mum working also not an issue.

BUT if you think your child is not being looked after properly when there, don't let her go AND more importantly if you think the mums got a lot on her plate and you guys are ok then just have them both at your house to play and make sure she's fed well -it will mean a lot.

Mintyy Sat 11-May-13 20:32:49

Yanbu. I would definitely be concerned, too.

If it weren't so potentially serious I would be roffling at some of the extreme examples of relaxed attitudes on this thread.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 11-May-13 20:33:08

Being looked after by a drunk person is a problem but if you do talk to anybody else about it and you only highlight the things you have here they will not react to it because to be quite frank it just sounds like your being a bit mean and just sou ds like different standards.

What did you expect him to do? Dress up as a clown and juggle?

Yes, sleeping isnt great, but perhaps because he trusts his own 7yo to play quietly he didnt see the issue.

Lioninthesun Sat 11-May-13 20:34:07

Sounds as if the mother isn't financially able to leave him for some reason - perhaps childcare costs while she works?
If he is as bad as he sounds you could be pivotal in helping her get back on her feet. He clearly needs to go and some other provision made to help their girl.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 11-May-13 20:35:06

Typical AIBU thread. OP says one thing that upsets a few people who like KFC, so that negates the rest of her post .....

FreddieMisaGREATshag Sat 11-May-13 20:37:00

I DO NOT like KFC.

That's not the point I'm making.

According to my ex MIL I'm a drunken slut who is regularly too drunk to drive and shags the fleet. Neglects her children and doesn't feed them properly.

Tis all balls. Pardon the pun.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 11-May-13 20:37:04

Being drunk in charge of a child regularly is the beginning and end of it, for me. If not giving adequate care because of that stems from that then they are relevant

poppymay13 Sat 11-May-13 20:37:17

Yes we're quite good friends although I am a bit resentful about the number of times I take her daughter out or have her over but get nothing in return (ie. Take my daughter for a couple of hours!) I trust her just not him. I don't wanna sound over-dramatic or martyr-like but that girl would be having a pretty miserable childhood if it wasn't for me. We go to the beach, out on walks, swimming, aquarium all sorts. Strange thing is I don't really like her much but who does like their kid's friends? Its hard enough liking your own kid sometimes! But this girl hardly speaks which annoys me. Also she helped herself to my fruit bowl today then threw a partly eaten apple in the bin - grr!

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 11-May-13 20:38:57

KFC negating the entire post,nope.

The only valid info in the entire post is the drinking problem the other examples are none issues.

nellyjelly Sat 11-May-13 20:39:08

Sounds like low level neglect, not uncommon. Not much SS would do if that all there is but depending on how old the child is, I would tell the school. They may have concerns too. It is all the little bits of info that add up sometimes to show a bigger picture.

In the meantime, as someone else pointed out, be kind to this girl. Keep an eye on her, give her nice food etc. sounds like she needs a bit of extra support.

FreddieMisaGREATshag Sat 11-May-13 20:39:09

Jesus Wept.

Haven't you considered that if he's unemployed and she's working a NMW job they may have no money to go to the beach or aquarium or swimming?

You sound insufferably judgey.

Boomba Sat 11-May-13 20:39:48

a child is considered 'at risk' i think, if they are living with an alcoholic parent.

If I were in your position OP I would speak to the school about my concerns. I would expect them to have noticed if the child is dirty and under-fed; SS may well be aware already. Your information may be part of a bigger picture/ might alert them to neglect/ might be dismissed..

feralgirl Sat 11-May-13 20:40:27

Wow, your DD's friend sounds just like my best friend when I was a kid (she still is now btw). She wasn't abused or even really properly neglected but her dad was/ still is an alcoholic and he used to spend a lot of the time he was 'looking after' her drunk and unconscious while her mum was at work.

She spent a lot of time with us and stayed over about once a week. My clothes were all hand-me-downs anyway and my mum often used to put stuff aside for her when we got a new batch from my cousins. It was never a big deal and I never thought anything of it, but I know now that my Mum talked to our primary school teachers about it.

In retrospect, I'd do exactly the same as my Mum did, whilst keeping a really close eye for any signs of abuse.

fluffymindy Sat 11-May-13 20:41:15

You don't sound very nice.

If you cannot be nice to child for its own sake then leave them too it.

rambososcar Sat 11-May-13 20:41:23

But where and when did you get to learn that the father has an alcohol problem, poppymay13?

Boomba Sat 11-May-13 20:42:31

oh er, x-posted. Your last post is 'orrible.

Dont send your dd there if you dont trust him ffs...who does that????

and stop having friend over if you dont like her and are so resentful


MummaBubba123 Sat 11-May-13 20:43:12

Please read your own last comment, OP. The issue is more about how you feel, rather than about car and concern for a little girl.
Let her eat an apple - or a half.
Let her talk - or stay silent.
Give her unconditional love and acceptance as it sounds like she might need someone who does.
If you can't and you find that you still feel resentful, it will inevitably be sensed by her - leaving her to feel 'neglected' at home and unwanted by you.
Better you left the poor little girl alone and voiced your concerns with her teacher/ mother.

meditrina Sat 11-May-13 20:43:37

If he is regularly drunk when in sole charge of a child, then I think there's a problem.

I don't mean someone having a drink or two, I mean frequently drinking to the point of drunkenness or dependent daily drinking.

If you know this to be the case, either you talk to the mother or report officially. The NSPCC helpline will be able to offer you advice, and explain how serious alcohol related neglect can become. An intervention before things hit that point is in everyone's interests.

MummaBubba123 Sat 11-May-13 20:43:50

Care - not 'car'

CombineBananaFister Sat 11-May-13 20:45:40

Am bowing out, was trying to be optimistic about mis-unstanding your post then you got all moany about her being quiet and chucking a half eaten apple in the bin.
We do not give to recieve (non-religious) but if you feel resentful of the friendship and not just worried about the care/safety your DD/she gets when there then you sound a bit mean tbh

JeeanieYuss Sat 11-May-13 20:45:53

No you mentioned 'the bloody KFC' because you were being v.judgemental and now are trying to backtrack.

You don't come across very well at all op.

FreddieMisaGREATshag Sat 11-May-13 20:46:18

How do you know he's an alcoholic?

I am, according to my ex MIL, and yet I NEVER drink with the kids in the house, and have been properly drunk 3 times in my life. I am 45.

poppymay13 Sat 11-May-13 20:46:40

Freddie: if I was that 'judgey ' then surely I'd have nothing to do with the family.

rambososcar Sat 11-May-13 20:47:34

If - if the man has a drink problem what's the point in talking to the mother, meditrina? She will already know and will be doing nothing about it apart from leaving her child with him, which imo is neglectful in itself.

But the OP hasn't said when or where or how she discovered he's got an alcohol problem yet.

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