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WIBU ? I feel awful ...

(45 Posts)
Teardropsonthedancefloor Sat 11-May-13 15:36:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Sat 11-May-13 15:39:15

You weren't harsh at all

I'd be finding out where the foster carer lives and telling them in no uncertain terms what the boy's getting up to when he's out.

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 15:42:16

No, but ask some of your estate children where he is from etc - you may find the answers differ wildly. The foster care comment might be a sympathy vote. The amount of money foster carers get, the child would enrolled in cricket clubs morning, noon and night, not roaming the streets.

That was a nice thing you did regarding the bat and ball set.

Trouble with a lot of these children is a lack of male figure in their lives, no one play with or copy. When DSW1 & 2 were that age, DH would be in the park all weekend playing cricket and football, he'd end up with a quite a little gang of boys joining in, all because they had no dad and no one to orchestrate the games for them.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 11-May-13 15:45:05

Having boundaries and expectations of children is OK. Even when those children are having a hard time. Having lower expectations of behaviour of children with challenges belittles them. I have worked with young people with lots of challenges and they respond well to positive behavioural expectations. You know, "I know you are bright, you know how to pick the ball up properly". "Throwing stones at cars won't get you in the County team, what will?"

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 11-May-13 15:47:10

Actually I think you were lovely for giving him the bat and ball set. Your DH is also a gem actually giving the lad a chance to speak up for himself, but there was no obligation to - some kids would just give you a mouthful so you were lucky to get a conversation out of him smile

Proof will be if he stops the stone throwing - if the message gets through nothing else really matters, you're not obligated to teach him anything but it's brilliant if you and DH have.

lolaflores Sat 11-May-13 15:48:25

In honesty, yhou were really only concerned for his safety though. You could have reversed over him or anything. It does sound like attention seeking all the same and it had the required outcome.
Kid 1
You 0
Bless you though, you do sound lovely. I would have dragged him, fostered or not. Little bleeder

mrsjay Sat 11-May-13 15:48:38

Just because he is in care doesn't mean you cant tell him off it is ok to have certain expectations of children whent hey are throwing stones etc he cant live too far away id find his carer and say he is being a pain in the bum they are responsible for him,

LeaveTheBarSteward Sat 11-May-13 18:02:11

Bloody hell hollyberry single parent and foster carer bashing in one post! Nice.

CocacolaMum Sat 11-May-13 18:09:28

1) A child in a foster family is a child in a family
2) what on earth is the pp basing the assumption that the majority of children in care lack a male role model. Utter tosh.
3) Give the parents a knock anyway - it might be nice for them to know other parents in the estate

rambososcar Sat 11-May-13 18:10:50

Being in foster care isn't an excuse for vandalism, rudeness or bad behaviour, nor is any other unfortunate, deprived or unhappy circumstance.

b4bunnies Sat 11-May-13 18:12:27

why feel bad? tell the family he lives with, that's what they're there for.

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 18:17:48

Really? A lot of these children are shunted round and round with no stability.

You must live in a lovely little world if you never come across these children. I work with them day in, day out.

ballroomblitz Sat 11-May-13 18:21:45

I think you were lovely op, especially giving him the bat and ball set. I would like to think someone would tell off my ds if they caught him throwing stones, as he's five and does through stages like that but then that's maybe because I'm a lone parent eh

lolaflores Sat 11-May-13 18:21:49

Holly glad I aren;'t one of the poor blighters that has to put up with your rock hard cynicism day after day...

ChippingInLovesSunshine Sat 11-May-13 18:22:50

Holly - you work with fostered children?

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 18:23:52

lola All they need is love and respect, which I tend to dish out by the bucket load. Which is why my house tends to be full of teenagers because they know they are safe here.

ChippingInLovesSunshine Sat 11-May-13 18:24:10

TearDrop - you didn't do anything wrong at all, you were nice. I agree with most other posters - fostered or not, he still needs boundaries and some of those are given by strangers.

wonderingsoul Sat 11-May-13 18:24:53

i must admit after read holly post. i felt a little ach in my stomach. dc dont see their dad, and only have a few male role models that they dont see on any really mount of time, other then my dad on a sunday.

i dread to think their bad behaviour is becasue they dont have a dad to frolick in the park with.

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 18:25:52

I work in a school, with a higher than average percentage of looked after children, and socio-economic deprivation. You can twist that how you will.

namechangedandashamed Sat 11-May-13 18:27:27

Absolutely, Leavethebarsteward

OP, that was very kind of you, giving him the bat and ball.

Once I had managed the 15 minute walk down the sweeping drive from my mock tudor mansion, weaving through the X5 and the carrera on the drive, past the stables and the poolhouse, I would have come and thanked you.

Or sent Jeeves with a magnum of Bolly.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 11-May-13 18:30:49

The amount of money foster carers get, the child would enrolled in cricket clubs morning, noon and night, not roaming the streets


lolaflores Sat 11-May-13 18:37:06

Holly doesn't forgive your cynicism. Not one jot. You may be loved and adored by all, but there is a frightneing stoney attitude you have. Time to look at it before it consumes you.

By the way. Agree with Ehric. Utter tosh.

Ohh. Did old money bags say Bolly? Ta very much

Midori1999 Sat 11-May-13 18:37:39

You obviously don't know how much local authority foster carers get Holly. It's also nonsense to say that the trouble with 'these' children is the lack of a father figure. Do you think fathers song exist in foster families? Or the families 'these' children came from in the first place? confused

lolaflores Sat 11-May-13 18:44:27

midori when it comes to these discussions, there are far more vauge assumptions than concreate facts isn't it? Easy to sling around to shore up a foggy concept

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 18:51:50

midori I do - they pay just over £400 per child per this week in this borough - adverts everywhere, more for children with additional needs. Frankly, 99% of foster carers do a sterling job, but I have come across some, for whom it is a money spinning racket and the children placed with them get no emotional investment at all. Obviously I'm not going to be daft enough to highlight particular children or cases, but it makes me very angry indeed, to see these young people just treated like a piece of shit (often by their own parents) then by the system that is supposed to protect them.

Yes I am very cynical. If I wasn't, I'd come home crying every night. I'm totally desensitised to most things that would shock you and make your stomach turn; the things children tell me. Things you wouldn't conceive of doing to another human let alone a child.

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