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To FB msge the girl bullying DD & tell her to stay the fuck away?

(227 Posts)
Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:02:30

I am not going to but it's do tempting.

Said girl encourages others to do unpleasant things to DD. In Sep one of her friends pulled DD to the ground and kicked her in the head repeatedly and yday she encouraged a boy to straddle DD and make disgusting sexual gestures to her, filming it and theatening to put it on FB.

Every day some kind of other low level incident.

School are great and deal with it but I am fed up of DD having to go through this.

Just looked on this girls FB and its wide open all comments from sycophantic friends telling her how amazing she is. I just want to write what a total birch she is who is making my DD's life hell sad

I won't as I am bigger than that and am using correct channels but this is horrid sad

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 09:39:36

shock I cannot believe the teacher made that person delete the phone footage - that is so out of order i can't put it into words, that was evidence. He should have confiscated the phone and handed it over to the police. But the boy is the ds of a teacher - im sorry, but this is so wrong sad

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:41:00

That is horrific. I would go to the police about the sexual assault - that is over and above what a school should be dealing with.

Look at it this way - if YOU were at work, and one of your colleagues pinned you down, straddled you, and stimulated sex with you, what would you do? Contact your managers (the equivalent of telling the HT), or call the police?

Your DD does not have to put up with this, and it is escalating.

I know she doesn't want to report it, but she should not feel ANY shame about this incident - it wasn't HER that sexually assaulted someone. Only the perpetrator should feel ashamed. If she feels ashamed, she shouldn't.

BigBlockSingsong Sat 11-May-13 09:42:54

Kudos for you and dd for staying strong, I was horrifically bullied at school, was too ashamed to tell my mum.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:43:39

And yes, the teacher deleting the film, which was evidence, is so shocking as to gobsmack me.

If your DD does change her mind and go to the police, that teacher has destroyed evidence.

The SCHOOL should have confiscated the phone, contacted the police, and handed the phone over.

It's what happened at my DD's school when a very similar incident occurred.

The boy ended up in court and got community service.

Doubtfuldaphne Sat 11-May-13 09:44:06

My son went through some bullying although it was only on Facebook - not as serious as this. But I have to say I messaged all involved and told them to stay the f away and not to ever mess with my family.
My son was pretty mortified but I just couldn't help it. The school werent bothered as they said if its not happening in school then it's not up to then!
The best thing to do is go to the police. Definitely. And the school should be taking all this much more seriously and acting quicker.
I think I'd be wanting to change schools if I was you

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:46:13

Tbh, as a parent, I would act in my DD's best interests and contact the police, even if it IS against her wishes.

As a parent we often have to do things and make decisions for our DC's that they don't agree with, but are in their best interests long term.

The school is not following correct procedures. It sounds to me like they are trying to cover this up, minimise the incident, and try to brush it under the carpet.

That is not acceptable, and not helpful to your DD.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:47:15

She doesn't want to change schools.

She (and I) just want her to be able to attend school without being assaulted.

FreddieMisaGREATshag Sat 11-May-13 09:47:39

You need to be the adult and go to the police. Sorry.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:50:08

And yes, I would seriously consider changing her school.

Your DD is in a school that minimises sexual assault, doesn't follow correct procedure about calling the police - this is a safeguarding issue - destroys evidence of sexual assault, doesn't deal appropriately with bullying, leaves your DD having to be around someone who has sexually assaulted her, doesn't deal with the ringleader of the bullies because she isn't doing the work herself...

Not exactly a great school for your DD.

And if she's 13, then I assume she's in Y8? If so, best to move her now, before she has to choose her options in Y9. That way it gives her a chance to settle before she hits her GCSE's.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:53:06

She is in Yr 9.

I am happy with the way the school are dealing with it at the moment.

I will not force DD to go to the police.

It was very hard for her to go through the RJ last year.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 09:53:43

The police can press charges even if your DD doesn't want them to. There is also a chance that they may be able to recover the film from the phone.

You have to be the adult here. If the school are not doing everything they can (and I don't think they are) to allow your DD to attend school without being bullied, then it's probably NOT the right school for her.

As I said, if YOU would call the police if a work colleague did this to you, then you need to call the police on your DD's behalf.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:57:19

I do not want these kids to have a criminal record for bad deduction making egged on by a ringleader of a group.

They are all after all kids. It is not a witch hunt.

DD doesn't want them to have their futures ruined either (as a sexual assault conviction would - not that I believe it would go that far anyway).

I just want the girl to leave her alone - the rest of her school life is very happy.

spidersandslugs Sat 11-May-13 09:57:21

Pull your dd out of the school? I know it's a drastic measure but the school & police don't seem to be effective. Perhaps write to your local MP & seek legal advice. Maybe you could get a restraining order put on that nasty piece of work?

It is absolutely appalling that this is going on.

I was badly bullied as a 13yo. My dp's actually confronted the bully although the bullying got worse from then on & she also had "minions" doing her dirty work. Dp's resorted to pulling me out of the school & into the next nearest one to us. I had a much better time when I swapped schools. I made lovely friends & became resilient to any nastiness.

I really feel for your dd. She is obviously feeling frightened & humiliated. Horrid, horrid situation. Hope it stops or at least your dd gets away from it. Will be thinking of you & your dd.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:57:50

Decision sorry.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 09:59:40

Also there are not any other appropriate schools in this area - I got her into the best option.

I have two sons at the school and work full time and cannot physically get her to another school even if I wanted to.

CouthyMow Sat 11-May-13 10:01:38

Birdsgottafly - I have one question. Why is it that a 'looked after child' can seriously assault another child, and NOT be excluded, even though any other child who did the same thing would be excluded?

Is that in any way fair on their victim?

I ask this because there is a 'looked after child' who assaulted my DS2 by exposing him by pulling down his pants and trousers, and then dragging him across the school field, to the point where i had to take him to the GP to get antibiotic cream to treat the cuts and scrapes on his back, which were weeping for over a week, at school, who wasn't excluded, wasn't even kept off the playground.

The police weren't interested as both my DS2 and the boy in question were only 8yo at the time.

Why should that boy be allowed to assault my DS2 without punishment? I was in care, I was still responsible for my own behaviour as a child at school, no allowances were made, and I don't think they should be.

It's unreasonable to have one set of rules and punishments for most DC's, and a separate, lesser set for 'looked after children'.

Having a shit childhood doesn't absolve you from personal responsibility, and quite right too!

(And I had a shittier childhood than most!)

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:02:13

i understand your decision but you need to go to that school and at least threaten them with action from the police and social services (child protection issue - your DD is at significant risk of harm in their care right?) and kick up an almighty stink - a teacher deleted the video? wtf? and the boy has 'to see the head with his mum' - big fucking deal!!! I am outraged on your dd's behalf and nothing more will surprise me about UK schools, all they are interested is reputation and league tables, not the bloody children.

CSIJanner Sat 11-May-13 10:03:30

Whether or not the by was egged on by the others, he has a mind of his own and took it as far as he did. He should be reported to the police whether your daughter does it or whether the school takes it that far. If they don't, then shame on them.

Another view is that if he doesn't get reported to the police, the ringleader might think that it's fine to try again as they got away with it last time with only discipline from the HT. if yu want to stop it, you need to get the boy to admit why he did it, implicating the ringleader. She'll carry on getting others to do her dirty work until she's pulled up on it.

burberryqueen Sat 11-May-13 10:03:44

hang on - on what terms is this school 'the best'? GCSE league tables? there are more important things here than that i would say.

Gossipmonster Sat 11-May-13 10:07:51

There isn't another option school wise and more importantly that isn't what DD wants and I think it's important she has some control here.

I work for social care - it is not a CP issue.

FreddieMisaGREATshag Sat 11-May-13 10:08:35

You are doing your daughter no favours if you don't go to the police and get this treated with the seriousness it deserves. You owe those other kids fuck all. If I thought one of mine was participating in something like this I would be bloody raging. They and you can't absolve all blame on to the ringleader. Each of the other kids is making a choice.

Please go to the police.

Oh and the school should not have made them delete the evidence.

Tee2072 Sat 11-May-13 10:08:40

This is not just kids being kids. This is a serious offence. They sexually assaulted your daughter. Who will they do this, or worse, to next?

CocacolaMum Sat 11-May-13 10:09:03

Tell the school that after the next incident you will be going to your local newspaper about their lack of action - they have until then to bring this arsehole child in line. Sometimes I really hope Karma is a real thing.

LEMisdisappointed Sat 11-May-13 10:10:27

DD doesn't want them to have their futures ruined either (as a sexual assault conviction would - not that I believe it would go that far anyway)"

What about YOUR DD's future?? Who has put that into her mind? I told you that the bullying in my school years is still blighting my life at 42, this wont go away. I left school at 16 (15 in reality because i just stopped going in the end, as i coudlnt stand it anymore) with no qualifications. OK so i went back to university as a mature student but due to the fact that I have NO confidence i have never really made use of my qualifications etc. What frustrates me - i wanted to be a vet, but i never thought i was good enough - i have a PhD now, turns out i would have been then. Those bullies took that away from me. Don't let this happen to your DD. I had friends at school but ironically im not in any of the group photos that get put up on facebook, this is because i never went to school due to the bullies and I didn't go to any school events and trips - again, because of the bullying. It sounds a very similar situation to what your DD is suffering now - my parents should have involved the police but the school brushed it under the carpet.

I understand you dont want to move schools and why should you, actually that would be letting the bullies win - but if this was my DD i would not be letting this ride. Please get this sorted out for your DDs sake, i can't bear to think of her going through what i did. Horrible

HollyBerryBush Sat 11-May-13 10:11:13

Op - I'm coming in hard here. You are the parent, it is your job to protect your daughter.

GO TO THE POLICE <<<< stern words!

I wouldn't give a monkies that the boys mother is a teacher.

if you don't go to the police YOU are facilitating this behaviour

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