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to get annoyed that my lovely flatmate has her lovely boyfriend over so much?

(57 Posts)
somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:29:33

I LOVE my flatmate. One of my best friends. I LOVE her boyfriend. We've been great friends for about over 10 years (and he introduced me to her). But I'm starting to not love how his visits seem to be increasing slowly.

They're not one of those annoying face licking couples and wouldn't do act in any way to make me feel uncomfortable. But just them BEING there makes me feel a little irritated. I probably am BU and bitterly single and I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her. So I suppose this is just an anonymous whinge!

We have one comfortable sofa and 2 ok chairs. The chairs hurt your back if you sit in them for long. Any time he comes round i feel obliged to move from the sofa so they can sit together. Maybe I should just park my ass there anyway and one of them can sit on the back breaking chairs? or we can all snuggle up together happily on the sofa I realise as I type this that it's very petty!

Sometimes I want to come home from work and binge on junk food and pick my spots in front of the telly. And not have to watch whatever movie they fancy, or listen to them talk over the tv.

Sometimes I want to get up in the night for a drink/nip to the loo and not have to get dressed in case I run into him in the hall.

He's started staying over 3-4 nights a week. I want to shout 'go to his for a change!'. His flatmate has a new girlfriend so i assume he's trying to give them privacy. where's my bloody privacy?

AIBU? yes I probably am. But it feels better to have that off my chest

FairPhyllis Sat 11-May-13 19:08:20

This is so annoying. I was in a situation like this (except the boyfriend of my flatmate spent almost EVERY night in our house). It was a massive place so not too bad but I wish now that I'd said something.

I think you should propose adding him to the cleaning rota or contributing to bills - that should get the message across. It's not at all unreasonable to say something. If they want to be together most of the time they should get a place together.

CruCru Sat 11-May-13 17:56:05

Announce that you've hurt your back and can't stand the chairs. As soon as you get home, get into your pyjamas and stay on the sofa.

WafflyVersatile Sat 11-May-13 17:37:59

Can't you talk to the boyfriend, as he's your friend already?

It's not at all unreasonable. I always used to say to potential flatmates (well lodgers) that they are welcome to have partners round once or twice a week, but not all weekend every weekend or half of the week. It should be balanced out by them fucking off to their other halves too, if possible. Some might think that's a bit unreasonable but they don't have to move in if it doesn't suit them. smile

whois Sat 11-May-13 17:26:11

It's quite a difficult situation. You like then both but him being there so much changes the dynamic.

I would probably say something to flat mate along the lines of "I love loving with you, and I really like boyfriend, but when he is hear so much of kinda changes the dynamic a bit. Would it be possible for you to alternate which flat you stay over in a bit more?"

I would defo not move off the sofa for them!

I was less polite to an annoying ex-housemate who moved his girlfriend in when she actually lived on her own and caused massive problems for bathroom in the morning. Prick. Anyway, got to the stage where I'd hinted, i'd asked nicely, I'd asked not so nicely, so have him his months notice to move out. Happy days.

GiraffesAndButterflies Sat 11-May-13 16:06:19

I might get flamed for this as it's not exactly a dignified option for you OP. But if you really want to raise it in a way that won't offend her, you could fake being upset by their lovely coupleness while you're single, and pull out the tears and the it-just-reminds-me-that-I'm-alone sobs. That might get them to share out their time a bit better.

I hesitated to even type the above, because it's a pretty crap option in many ways... And it could backfire if she starts trying to set you up with people etc... But you sound like you're running out of ideas!

YY to reclaim the sofa!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sat 11-May-13 15:56:37

Place on sofa, good. Watching your soaps and tweeting, good. How about the middle-of-the-night hallway dashes? When my flatmate had her fiancé over it developed over time that it was up to him to avoid me. Not sure how we got to that stage - it was a long time ago - but could you say something like "If you're coming out of the bedroom at night, can you just make sure I'm not up and about? It would be embarrassing for both of us if you saw me in my pants!" Then the onus is on him to not make you uncomfortable in your own home, IYSWIM.

cumfy Sat 11-May-13 15:45:40

Think you need to encourage them to start "swapping" with the other couple in the equation.

What's wrong with his flatmate's GF's place ?

maddening Sat 11-May-13 05:54:35

Yanbu - though I bet by xmas she is living with him - nothing to do with you but it sounds like their relationship is moving that way.

ComposHat Sat 11-May-13 03:03:46

The solution is simple:ménage a trois (that's your actual French).

Have you never seen Rita, Sue and Bob too?

Wanders off singing 'Gang bang' by Black Lace.

BonaDea Sat 11-May-13 02:48:20


I lived with a flatmate whose bf came over all the time and in the end starting staying with us for weeks on end as he was studying for a phd abroad and could write his thesis as easily from our place. When he did that he was home all day with the heating on, using the electricity and Internet and contributed cock all.

God it pissed me off. I found myself sloping off to my bedroom often as I felt in the way. I would want to cook dinner in the evening to find them camped in there cooking an elaborate meal and drinking wine. Fvckers.

Of course it didn't help I was single at the time but they were definitely taking the proverbial. I moved out in the end.

steppemum Sat 11-May-13 01:15:18

make comments like

'Oh goody it is apprentice night, I love the twitter comments' early in the evening , so you have 'staked your claim' on the TV.
stay on the sofa, make wry comment about those stupid chairs, so they now it is the chairs.

How about suggesting you need a slob evening this week? So it isn't directed at them, but more suggesting something you would like? So Tuesdays become slob nights, or girls only nights or pjs and spot picking nights? if you framed it that way, it wouldn't be about her and the bf??

Remind yourself that if she goes you would have to find another flat mate!

Still18atheart Sat 11-May-13 00:55:09

So have they been actually been together for 10 years. Or just known each other for 10 years then started dating a while after that. If so How long have they been dating??

YANBU I like to veg out, I hate having bfs of flatmates round, as you have to be polite around them. And the last thing I am when I come home is polite or when I've just got up for that matter

AgentZigzag Sat 11-May-13 00:44:20

Usually AIBU is full of 'it's not all about you' posts, it's refreshing to see more 'make it more about yourself' answers grin

You seem very concerned with not offending them or making them want to move on, and I understand you have to compromise when you share with another person, but surely a friendship of 10 years is able to take a little bit of honesty?

You're very insecure about the friendships.

Or are the established roles you have with each other (i.e. making yourself feel uncomfortable to enable them to have a nice time - and if you think about it they should sometimes refuse the setee if it's making you sit in the shit seat, they must know that) that's kept you friends and you don't want to upset the balance by being anything less than your normal accommodating self?

somedayma Sat 11-May-13 00:41:54

twitter is GREAT for the apprentice! Especially near the final. Luckily all 3 of us love the apprentice smile

Snazzynewyear Sat 11-May-13 00:15:22

There you go then. Just settle yourself on the sofa and get tweeting. Say you're rediscovering it. I'm not a big soap watcher but I really like Twitter for stuff like the Apprentice.

somedayma Sat 11-May-13 00:03:45

That's actually what I miss about watching them live, the twitter banter blush

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 23:57:57

Yay! Do it grin There's always room for compromise but you should not be having to record programmes you like every night and wait till they're in bed to watch them.

You could always develop a sudden enthusiasm for Twitter and gush about how great it is to watch the programme 'live' and tweet along.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 23:42:27

SOAPS. I love my soaps. I record them to watch at night when they're in bed but now I will WATCH THEM ON THE SOFA AT 730 WITH TH REST OF THE UK grin

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 23:34:46

OK, so what do you like watching that they don't? Time for a marathon viewing session on the sofa in your jammies.

I don't mean that to sound as passive-aggressive as it probably does. I just think you should not feel bad about asserting your own preferences or your equal right to take up space. Maybe then they'll go out a bit more.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 23:24:57

I genuinely don't think it's occurred to either of them that it might annoy me. They're the sweetest couple I know! I think she in particular would be mortified if I said anything and that's what i want to avoid- her inflated reaction to me bringing up something that I find minorly irritating. I may start lounging around in my pants and see if that puts them off grin

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 23:18:22

If it's getting to you then you're going to have to make him feel a bit unwelcome I'm afraid.

It's lovely he's been a good friend to you, but that doesn't mean you owe him the comfort of your own house.

Really, they should ask you if you're still happy with him staying over so much, are they not asking because they suspect you won't be? (although if they know you they probably know you won't tell them the truth?)

Startail Fri 10-May-13 23:16:17

I tried to inflict, my now DH, on my flat mates only one weekend in three.
(Other weekend were at his tiny bedsit, my parents and his mums in the holidays as she was a long trip).

In return for my flat mates tolerating him he hoovered. Our university residences were rumoured to have one new Hoover in 170 flats, it wasn't in ours grin

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 23:11:43

mis we have 2 bloody poangs or whatever they're called! They're great at first but really my lower back ache after a while. Flatmate is the same. Also it's a rented flat and not v big living room. Can't get rid of landlords furniture to make way for better stuff unfortunately

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 23:09:52

You sound like a lovely friend OP flowers start leaving pictures of comfy recliner chairs lying about and circled in catalogues etc grin

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 10-May-13 23:07:53

Couldn't you each chip in to buy a comfy chair? Whats an Ikea poang these days about £30?

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