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to get annoyed that my lovely flatmate has her lovely boyfriend over so much?

(57 Posts)
somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:29:33

I LOVE my flatmate. One of my best friends. I LOVE her boyfriend. We've been great friends for about over 10 years (and he introduced me to her). But I'm starting to not love how his visits seem to be increasing slowly.

They're not one of those annoying face licking couples and wouldn't do act in any way to make me feel uncomfortable. But just them BEING there makes me feel a little irritated. I probably am BU and bitterly single and I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her. So I suppose this is just an anonymous whinge!

We have one comfortable sofa and 2 ok chairs. The chairs hurt your back if you sit in them for long. Any time he comes round i feel obliged to move from the sofa so they can sit together. Maybe I should just park my ass there anyway and one of them can sit on the back breaking chairs? or we can all snuggle up together happily on the sofa I realise as I type this that it's very petty!

Sometimes I want to come home from work and binge on junk food and pick my spots in front of the telly. And not have to watch whatever movie they fancy, or listen to them talk over the tv.

Sometimes I want to get up in the night for a drink/nip to the loo and not have to get dressed in case I run into him in the hall.

He's started staying over 3-4 nights a week. I want to shout 'go to his for a change!'. His flatmate has a new girlfriend so i assume he's trying to give them privacy. where's my bloody privacy?

AIBU? yes I probably am. But it feels better to have that off my chest

MrsLouisTheroux Fri 10-May-13 22:34:24

YANBU at all. sad

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 22:34:25

It's not petty to want to feel comfortable in your own home.

What's stopped you from bringing it up with them already?

Could you go down the subtle hint route if you don't feel you can come right out with it?

How have you managed saying the other things which must have come up living with someone?

Xmasbaby11 Fri 10-May-13 22:36:01

YANBU - that sounds really annoying. I think 3-4 nights is taking the piss.

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 22:37:23

He practically lives there then? Does he contribute at all?

ExitPursuedByABear Fri 10-May-13 22:37:43

YANBU. Maybe they should be looking for their own place.

HollyBerryBush Fri 10-May-13 22:38:39

She's in a relationship, you must have laid down ground rules over communal living space..

Wholetthedogin Fri 10-May-13 22:38:41

I completely understand where you are coming from.
Back in the day I flat shared with my lovely friend. It use to drive me crazy when she would have her boyfriend over for increasing number of evenings a week. Basically he was slowly moving in which completely changed the dynamics of our living arrangements.

There was also a cost to him coming over so often. Everything from electricity use to the number of toilet rolls we got through.

Time for you to have a chat with your flat mate I think!

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:39:34

Oh I couldn't. She's very overly sensitive and she would be really upset. And then even if it was all fine, there's always that lingering thought of him feeling a bit unwelcome from then on. Also, my last flatmate (another best friend, we live in different countries now) did this too except her boyfriend practically moved in as he lived with his parents. I brought it up, she didn't take it well at all. She got really annoyed and I felt bad. So really, current situation is NOT as bad as last one. This boyfriend doesn't stay over every night and doesn't have a voice like a fucking foghorn

HollyBerryBush Fri 10-May-13 22:41:00

So, It's a recurring pattern, your mates have BFs and you don't?

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:41:38

I've also sort of dug my own grave by saying in the past 'oh it's so nice to see more of you' to him. It didn't bother me as much then. And of course it IS nice to see him!

Also regarding communal space rules, why should I get the final say in how it's used? I'd feel like a bossy cow

mrspaddy Fri 10-May-13 22:41:52

100 % YANBU.. 3-4 nights is way too much.. I would say 'ah you's are so close is must break your heart not to be together everynight.. are you looking for a place together?'

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:42:55

It's not a recurring problem holly confused I had a boyfriend while living with old flatmate. I mostly stayed at his cos his flatmate was never around

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:44:08

Ah no I don't want them to move in together, I absolutely love living with her! I've talked to her about that and she says she's nowhere near wanting to share with him and can't imagine it for a good while

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 22:45:47

What advice did you want OP if you're not willing to raise the issue with either of them? confused

cozietoesie Fri 10-May-13 22:46:52

Then if you really cant speak to her, it's time to assert flatmate rights on occasion. Old sweats, bedsocks, crisps and ensconce yourself on the sofa with a movie on. Make it the most unromantic feeling in the flat that you possibly can.

Better make that a seriously bad movie by the way.


UnrequitedSkink Fri 10-May-13 22:47:06

How long have they been together? Could you casually ask her whether they were thinking of moving in together 'seeing as he virtually lives here already, ha ha!'

She might take a hint...

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 22:47:20

This is a bit of an occupational hazard of flat sharing but I don't see why you should get the worse deal all the time. How do you decide who gets to pick the TV viewing, do you alternate nights or what? Plus I would not feel constantly obliged to move from the sofa.

Do you own the flat, or do you both rent it? I take it you moved in first?

If this has happened twice I think you're being a bit too doormatty, even if they're your friends. I would prepare a conversation about how you work things now the bf is spending so much time there. That includes chipping into household kitty for milk/toilet roll/bills as appropriate.

What happens the other 3/4 nights? Does she go to his or do they separate?

twofalls Fri 10-May-13 22:47:39

Holly. What an odd comment.

Op YANBU I also get you just needed to vent!

Mintyy Fri 10-May-13 22:48:35

What a strange situation! Your flat mate and her boyfriend have been together for 10 years and yet she is still living with you, not him? What's all that about then?

Snazzynewyear Fri 10-May-13 22:49:16

For people who are 'nowhere near' wanting to share a house, they are, erm, sharing a house for quite a bit of the week. I think that they are happy with the status quo, and after all, they would be as they get most of the benefits of living together without you really inconveniencing them in anyway. That's good for them but you have to make sure it meets your needs too.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:49:56

[leave] I wasn't really looking for advice, just wanted to vent. Maybe I should have put this in chat!

I hope it won't become a regular thing, it's just in the last few weeks he seems to be here more than he used to

LeaveTheBastid Fri 10-May-13 22:50:09

Mintyy Op has been friends with the bf for 10 years grin

AgentZigzag Fri 10-May-13 22:51:15

I can imagine if the amount of nights he's stopping has increased gradually and you've made positive noises about it when asked, they must think you're OK with it.

You have to let them know in some way, just because it didn't go down well last time doesn't mean it'll go the same way this time.

You could start by trying to find openings where you could answer in a way which tells them how you feel, rather than you just answering to be polite. Then increase that if they don't get the message.

somedayma Fri 10-May-13 22:51:33

No mintyy I knew him first before they met. They've been together a couple of years on and off. Things have been a bit rocky between them but they seem to be doing well now which I'm glad about but that might be why they're spending more time together

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