To be fairly pissed off with my mother?(103 Posts)
Ok, maybe I am. Feel free to tell me I'm a bad tempered cow.
Ma and Pa, healthy, retired, comfortably off, seem to think that DH and I have lots of lovely time on our hands. And we could do all sorts of little jobs for them - far too frequently. Every couple of weeks Ma will ring and say, 'Oh - could you ask DH if he could pop down this weekend and do x,y,z for us?'
We have 5 DCs and both work full time. I'm a teacher - out the house from 7.45 am- 6.00pm and then marking/planning in evening. DH is up at 5.00am - 2 hour drive, 10 hours on building site, 2 hour drive home - gets in at 7.00pm, absolutely fucked. He has worked the last 3 Saturdays and is working tomorrow. So only has Sunday off. I meanwhile, have the joy of knowing that I haven't shoved a hoover round all week, bathrooms need cleaning, there is a week's worth of dirty washing (for 7) and that I need to do a bloody Tesco shop for practically everything.
Ma rang this evening to say could we pop round this weekend and put together 2 flat pack bookcases they bought today - oh, and could DH bring his drill and put up a curtain pole, and I could return a lamp they'd bought from Argos when I did my shopping, couldn't I?
Well yeah - I could. But I don't fucking want to. Ma will expect me to drive 6 miles in one direction to her house to collect the lamp. Tesco is on the edge of town 20 miles away in the opposite direction. Argos is right in the middle of town - so it means driving in, finding somewhere to park, walking there, queueing, etc, etc. A lot more fucking hassle. And I don't want to spend 3 hours putting book cases together. And I really don't want DH to spend his only day off doing jobs for my mother.
If the bugger's going to spend his day off doing jobs I've got a bloody long list - starting with things I've been waiting about 18 months for; like the leaking shower, the broken cupboard door, the wall in DDs room that needs re-plastering, the entire skirting board in the hallway that has been leaning against the wall for 4 years now waiting to be fixed onto it...
I know that DH will say, 'Aye, nae bother,' and go down and do it for them. And I will trail sulkily along as his helper. And if I moan he will say, 'Och well, it's no' a problem'. Well it is for me. I fucking, fucking resent the fact that my mother makes these frequent requests and expects it done that weekend - which means it is yet another weekend that we don't get the stuff done that we need to.
Being a gobby cow I have frequently told her I'm pissed off that she asks DH to do stuff - that she knows he is obliging and will say yes - and that she also knows what long hours he works, and that we have loads of stuff that needs doing. She just gives a merry laugh and says, 'Oh dear - men always do things for other people, don't they?' and then will be on the fucking phone about a fortnight later wanting something else.
(Dad, BTW, couldn't replace a lightbulb. Highly academic, completely impractical man)
Stop doing it. They are being thoughtless but they aren't helpless. They have money - they can pay a local handy person who needs the money. Talk to DH, tell him no, make sure you screen their calls so DH doesn't speak to them for a while.
Just say no. Practise in the mirror first. NO. NO. See? It's easy
If she's asking you why don't you just say "no he can't" end of conversation.
Every time they make a demand, hit them back with a demand for babysitting or something else?
I think my blood pressure has gone up just reading that.
How do you not shout 'fuck off you entitled cow, you've money and time - we have neither'
<steam comes out of ears>
It's really cheeky of them to buy the bookcases obviously thinking that your DH will put them up.
Your DH is wrong that it's 'nae bother' because it's impacting on your lives when they take advantage so much.
It's also not on for your mum to brush how you feel off either, apart from getting all the jobs round the house done for free (could you suggest an odd job worker? No? Didn't think so) why would she do that to you?
Both of them need to listen to you.
Be more gobby?
Say 'fine, we'll do it'.
'By the way, we need you on *day to come over and child sit so we can do x, y z.'
Although, Tbh I'd be having to sit them down and letting them know how things actually are for you.
YADNBU. Your parents are being thoughtless at best.Make it plain to them how heavy your workloads are,how tired you at after a long week and that you need your weekends to do things for yourselves and your children.
Definitely be more assertive and say you have not got time, and don't go and get the lamp. "No Mother, I have not got time to get the lamp", I have seven loads of washing, a full shop ontop of my school work".
Why do you keep saying yes?!! Start saying no and claiming back your own well deserved time. Just tell them you don't have the time.
YANBU. Just keep refusing any requests you feel are unreasonable, given your & their situation & responsibilities. They will get the message.
Out of curiosity, do they ever return the favour? babysitting for example?
Tell her that you'd love to take the lamp back whilst she hoovers, cleans bathrooms, does laundry for all 7 of you then pops to Trscos to do weekly shop.
No... We all want you to say no!
A) say no
B) say ok no problem but can you please help us out by doing x,y,z etc next weekend?
Which part of "No" do you not understand?
Sorry, but I am just totally amazed by all the family problems that get posted - yes, you love them but you don't have to suck up all of this shit.
They are being really mean and selfish.
Don't take the bloody lamp back for her.
Tell her you have other plans for the weekend so cannot fit in doing the shelves.
Practice saying 'no, sorry' out loud, many times over.
Good God, if you don't put a stop to this, they will be 10 times worse if they become infirm.
They should pay a local handyman.
Good Luck with them!
My blood is boiling on your behalf now, just reading that! Seriously....
Yy to telling your dh firmly that next time he is to refuse, yy to telling them they need to get a handyman and yy to sitting them down and listing everything that had to be squeezed into your household in a weekend. (Hats off to you, by the way, you sound like you're both proper grafters.)
"No, we have plans."
Those plans can be... a lie in, doing DIY at your own home, a family day out, whatever. But you have plans.
Tell them no and keep saying until they stop asking. Why on earth would you actually agree to do these things. Tell the lazy fuckers to do it themselves or pay someone to come and do it.
I am anticipating MIL doing this when she moves. Considering the struggle I have in getting DH to do stuff in our house, it will happen over my dead body. Luckily though, DH does agree with me on that one (the fact that he won't do it, nothing to do with my dead body ).
I understand the resentment.. I am not under pressure that you are with commute/children at all but my mother likes the control of giving me jobs. Like tomorrow to drive 15 miles to her house to get a prescription for her (3 miles from her!! - she drives for fuck sake) even though she flies up and down the road to friends, shopping etc... My DH is here on a Friday night fixing all her fashion jewellery.
Could you not let on to your husband but tell your mother he is doing overtime for the next 3-4 weeks.. white lie???
The wisest advice I ever had was from my Health Visitor. She told me to get an ansaphone that allowed me to call screen. Screen my mother in particular, actually.
It is a sanity saver.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.