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To get annoyed at fil (father in law) to turn up unexpectedly...?

(69 Posts)
K8eee Fri 10-May-13 14:32:32

Ok so dh and I live away from both sets of parents. 2 and a half hours from my mum and dad and 4 hours away from his dad and partner

Anyway, on this one occasion we knew fil was coming down to see us, but hasn't told us a time or when he had set off. Anyway, we roll out of bed at 8am, I jump in the shower, do my ablutions and dh gets a phone call to say he's just down the road. No phone call or text to give us a nights notice or any idea of when he would be expected to turn up. We used to live around the corner from him before we moved to our new home, and would turn up out of the blue. Tbh I can't stand it, and think its rude to just 'turn up' and be expected to be welcomed in for a tea and a few hours. I think it's polite to phone or text the person to see if its convenient. He did the same thing in the middle of me having my hair and make up trial for my wedding and just got in the way the whole time he was there. I used to get on with him, but its gradually making me dislike him over something so petty. Am I the only one who thinks its utterly rude?! grin

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 10-May-13 14:36:35

But you said you knew he was coming so he didn't turn up unexpectedly did he!

CSIJanner Fri 10-May-13 14:41:25

YAB slightly U as he did say he was coming down. Maybe get your DH to text or call the night before to see when he was hoping to set off as that would give you an inkling of when he will turn up. He must have left at 0430 or something to get there at that time - I think he just wanted to make the most time he could with his family maybe?

I do get it though. My MIL does this. And the more it happens, the more it grates so now she texts where she is en route so we know.

squeakytoy Fri 10-May-13 14:47:22

If it was a distant relative or not a family member then YANBU, but its your husbands DAD... so yes you are the one being unreasonable.

NotYoMomma Fri 10-May-13 14:59:42


If you had no idea at all maybe but you did!

pictish Fri 10-May-13 15:01:55

But you knew he was coming???

Wearyworker Fri 10-May-13 15:03:47

Totally unreasonable, it's your Husband's Dad sad

Bricklestick Fri 10-May-13 15:03:51

YABslightlyU. You knew he was coming, you're just peed off because you didn't know what time. At least he didn't keep you in all day waiting for him!

Mother2many Fri 10-May-13 15:06:54

Yabu... you knew he was coming... It's your husband's father. I have had one too many fights about "showing up for tea" at my son's house, so I don't anymore. Not how I raised my son, but this is his partner. So, I stopped. Sad.

Get over it. Enjoy the visit. I'm sure husband was happy to see his dad!! Esp. when they live so far away!

AdmiralData Fri 10-May-13 15:08:35

YANBU. smile It's nice to have a bit of notice, gives me time to get FIL's fave biscuits in loooool. I told my MIL after ds(8 weeks) was born to just turn up when she felt like it but she is very very lovely.

thegreylady Fri 10-May-13 15:09:04

gosh I would drop in at my dd's house if I were in the vicinity-enjoy the visit.Let him take you as you are and relax.

kotinka Fri 10-May-13 15:09:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Fri 10-May-13 15:10:45

Mother - I have fallen out with my BIL so many times because although he lives 5 mins away he will not come round without an invitation. Quite frankly I find it insulting, I have known him 25 years, we holiday together, see each other loads but still he will not come round without an invite.

I tested out earlier this year how long it would be till we saw him if I didn't call him......4 months and the only reason we started talking again was because my other BIL died and we realised how ridiculous we were being.

OP - his dad won't be around for ever so just chill a bit!!

fluffyraggies Fri 10-May-13 15:22:59

I think you need to get into a habit of asking the night before what time he'll be setting off. Then text fairly early to see where he is.

My PILs tend to suddenly announce they're going to ''drop in this Sunday, just after lunch''. (hour and a half drive)

For ages we would hear this and then get up earlier than we usually would on the Sunday, make sure the kids were all here and dressed by late morning (teens) get the house tidied from the night before (they only come once a month or so, so we like the place to look nice and to get some snacks in ect) and anticipate their arrival.

And wait, and wait, and wait hmm

We know now when they say 'just after lunch' they mean 4.30ish.
(AND ... i really wish we had some say in which Sunday they were coming - but DH just seems unable to say the words 'er, actually mum we have plans'. Arrgghh)

K8eee Fri 10-May-13 15:53:17

Dh isn't fussed about seeing his dad and even when he came he said 'I've only come all the way down here to pick up my tools you've borrowed' and then I said oh well thanks for that, it's nice to know you wanted to see us both. I went I the effort of making the guest room as comfortable as possible for him, and making sure the house looked like a 'show house' because both him and his partner are judgemental of the way we live.

I knew he was coming yes, but at 8am when I was walking about butt naked after having a shower and being demanded to make breakfast and tea straight away when he arrives really grinds on me. Maybe I'm too organised?

GingerBlondecat Fri 10-May-13 16:00:19

Hang On sweetie. Did Fil have to come all the way to your place to get the tools You Borrowed??

aka, get his very own tools back ??

K8eee Fri 10-May-13 16:01:44


OldRichandGrateful Fri 10-May-13 16:02:23

YANBU. I hate friends or family just turning up out the blue. I like to know the exact time I can expect them. I like to be in control organised. I think a 8am visit is far too early.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Fri 10-May-13 16:03:15

Even so, I don't think it is unreasonable for K8ee to want to know when, approximately, to expect her FIL's arrival.

K8eee Fri 10-May-13 16:04:31

I think 8am is stupidly early. Even if I were to know the evening before at least I can prepare myself and know I won't have to run around to please him when he gets here. hmm

squeakytoy Fri 10-May-13 16:05:05

Why didnt your husband return the tools that he had borrowed?

K8eee Fri 10-May-13 16:06:17

Because fil wanted to see what we had done work wise (we're self employed and he wanted to check the builders had done their work correctly) and he wanted to have a nose to see where we're now living

squeakytoy Fri 10-May-13 16:06:33

Please him? He is your husbands father (although it sounds as though your husband doesnt give a shit either).. just make him a brew and point him in the direction of the fridge and toaster..

Do you need to be made up with hair done, and wearing your best dress to greet him?

K8eee Fri 10-May-13 16:07:38

He's one of those types who expects you to run around after him if he is a guest in your home. You say help yourself and its as if you can't be bothered or are being rude. He's even said it himself that he thinks that of others

ENormaSnob Fri 10-May-13 16:09:18

Why is he having to collect his own tools?

Surely if you've borrowed then you return them?

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