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to stop my in laws from baby sitting my 1 yr old baby...

(24 Posts)
Crazysouthallian Thu 09-May-13 00:57:47

...because I have strong suspicions my father in law is taking heroine and is an alcoholic. My husband and I have both found burned bits of foil in his room and a huge bottle of lighter fuel. Moreover he regular disappears in his room for hours on end, coming out looking totally out of it. He also starts drinking superbrew non-stop, on an empty stomach. from 11am everyday and is a moody as anything. He also plays very innappropriately with our little girl - holding her and touching her in very odd ways - I don't know, it just makes me so uncomfortable (he kisses her tummy while her nappy is being changed - I find it weird that he does that, especially as he is not the one changing her nappy, it's always when my husband is changing her). So due to all this, I have told my husband that I do not want him to babysit her, or his Mum (who is violent to his Dad), as I worry about our baby's safety, as he would be around and drunk/high/blow house up in flames! I know his Mum would care for her very well but just because there appears to be drugs paraphernalia in their house and they argue, I feel I cannot rely on her looking after our little one well enough when he is around the house. Of course, my husband is now fuming. Says I am upsetting him, although he openly admits his father has a problem, and has done since he was a child. I am at a loss as to why I am the only person making a fuss about this. His mother buries her head in the sand and will not talk to him about his addictions or make him get help. Maybe it is more complex than I understand - maybe she would make things worse. Anyway, my priority is not what happens to him, as he has brought this all on himself, but my baby....I would be devastated if anything happened to her. I don't want him around her knowing he is wasted most of the time. What do I do? My husband will not listen or confront his father. I am still forced to take our baby there. I do not know what to do. My husband has stormed off to bed and will not speak to me. I think this could be heading us for divorce....I cannot take much more of dealing with his parents pestering to see us when frankly one of them is of his head/wreaks of beer. I find it gross someone would be like that in front of a baby or child. Maybe I am too prim and proper. This is all my fault. Want to cry. Help!

raisah Thu 09-May-13 01:12:08

Absolutely no way would I allow my in-laws to baby sit under those circumstances. You are not prim & proper, you are reacting normally towards a very dysfunctional set up. Your dp is desensitised towards his family as he grew up with the chaos he cant see why you are so unhappy about it.

The next time he accuses you of being awkward, ask him how social services would react if they found out your dc was being cared for by an addict.

Can you not discretely tip off the police about the drugs & then its out of your hands? The authorities will take over & your fil will have to deal with it.

whatamardarse Thu 09-May-13 01:14:00

Op don't take your baby to that house again. If its a choice between your DH and your dd then dd wins every time, never mind his Dm or df.

You know you have to protect your baby, I just hope you have the courage to Do that for her. Do not let them baby sit even at your house either.

If your DH is adamant they need to see her tell him you want SS to check them out first, might be a different story then .

Good luck

HollyBerryBush Thu 09-May-13 07:40:05

I'm the ILs behaviour (addictions) have been going on all through your DHs life, therefore he is normalised to that behaviour.

I know its prissy and easy to say after the event, but you also must have known what sort of a family you were marrying into.

Personally I would have run a mile the first time I met them and probably ended the relationship because I wouldn't have trusted the bloke not to follow parental traits.

forced to take our baby there - no one can force you to do any thing. I wouldn't visit.

I'm sure in their own way they are perfectly lovely people but they wouldn't be the sort I'd want to mix with.

GiraffesAndButterflies Thu 09-May-13 07:46:34

YADNBU but just one thing- I would rate tummy kissing as normal smile

Obviously there are a million other reasons why you are NBU, but I just thought I'd mention that!

ChasedByBees Thu 09-May-13 08:43:18

YADNBU Don't take your baby into that environment.

OnTheNingNangNong Thu 09-May-13 08:47:17

Don't visit, don't let them babysit. It isn't a safe environment for a baby.

ryanboy Thu 09-May-13 08:54:48

I opened up this thread expecting to read about a neurotic, precious mum clutching pearls because her toddler had been given a chocolate button.
Tummy kissing is ok , but the other stuff -the drugs , the drinking , the violence NO NO NO NO NO!!!

sue52 Thu 09-May-13 10:01:48

If I was you, I would not let them within a mile of my baby. Your DH must realise how disfunctional they are. Nothing is more important than your baby and her saftey.

CrapBag Thu 09-May-13 10:07:37

The tummy kissing is nothing, the other stuff YADNBU and your DH should be supporting you, not forcing you to take your DD there.

Don't take her there, stand firm and tell you its non negotiable that you are not taking a child into that environment and that given how he knows there is a problem, you are surprised that he thinks his child should be around them.

Let them pester, tell them exactly why you are not taking your DD around there. I like what the first message said about what SS would say in this situation.

Crazysouthallian Thu 09-May-13 10:26:57

Thank you everyone for your supportive messages.

I did indeed know about the fact that FILs addictions have been going on throughout my DHs life and that he is normalised to their behaviour. Moreover my own sweet mother warned me about this, but did I, I regret this. They are certainly not the people I wish to mix with but I thought once we were married we could start a life away from them. I also thought he wanted some distance, as he has been v hurt by his FILs issues and their dysfunctional relationship. It has made him be the complete polar opposite to his parents....he is loyal and caring and not addicted to anything, not even chocolate, he has never even tried cigarettes in all his life and is teetotal. He also married me (his parents are not married). He has said he does not want to 'repeat the mistakes' his parents made. But yes, I probably should have run a mile, I suppose I did not realise the affect these issues would have until we had a baby. Also around the time we got married his father was not addicted to heroine and didn't drink so we thought he was recovered or recovering but recently my husband needed brain surgery and a very close friend of his and his brother died of cancer and so it has sent him back to his addictions. However I trust he will never follow parental traits. They have made for a painful childhood. However he does not understand I need to protect our daughter from that as much as possible, as it would hurt her as much as him, if she were exposed to it.

I will not longer be going there or taking out little one. My husband and I spoke this morning and he said he will tell his mother. Personally I think you are right, I should mention SS to him and possibly say 'You are lucky I haven't informed the police'. I said words to that effect last night.

I'm certainly distancing myself and my baby from them, and if it means my marriage to my husband is over, I do not actually care. I love him but I love our baby more. He has to choose, as much as I hate ultimatums over her or his parents - whose dysfunctionality and dependence has been their downfall.

Thanks to all the people who posted messages of support and didn't judge me. I realise I shouldn't have gotten myself married into such a family in the first place, but I did not realise these problems would reappear again, let alone threaten our baby. How naive was I? (No need for anyone to answer that, I know I was stupid and paying the price now).

Potteresque97 Thu 09-May-13 10:34:48

Good for you, btw you weren't stupid to give DH a chance, plenty of people do realize they had a bad start but agree you can't ever let your baby be cared for by the ils. The tummy thing is fine but the fact that he creeps you out, that's a valid feeling to respect. Btw if you do split up, you need to be careful that he's not leaving baby with them whilst he has custody.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Thu 09-May-13 10:35:11

Can I just say in your OP you say it is your fault.

You aren't actually at fault in this situation. You are not to blame. You trusted your DH. The situation has changed. You thought things would be different. At worst you were naive. But you are not to blame and you are not at fault. You are taking actions to protect your daughter. Don't feel guilty and beat yourself up, there is no benefit to it and you are moving forward.

Crazysouthallian Thu 09-May-13 10:37:31

Thank so much Potteresque97 and TeaMakesItAllPossible....I need that support right now. V close to crying but trying not to because I don't want my little on to see me in tears. xx

Potteresque97 Thu 09-May-13 10:59:15

Hugs it'll be okay, you've done the right thing and everyone isclear that it was the right thing so your baby will be ok. Maybe go stay with your mum or have her round for a few days until the situation with DH shakes out?

TeaMakesItAllPossible Thu 09-May-13 11:05:35

Hey South. Don't worry about the tears on account of your baby. Crying is a natural thing to do in stressful situations. Children need to know that adults cry when they're sad, upset, stressed, happy and this can be your DD's first time seeing that smile. You might see that your DD's natural instinct is to comfort you and pat your tears - it really is very life affirming.

NKffffffffabeee2d7X127640abcce Thu 09-May-13 11:16:43

Crazy you are doing absolutely the right thing to put your DD first, and really brave to do this. I really hope your DH sees this when the dust has settled. Please don't listen to judgey attitudes about getting together with him in the first place - he is not responsible for the behaviour of his parents or his upbringing and should have the chance to show he can be different as a parent. But that's for him to do, you are looking after your daughter. Big hug and best wishes.

YellowDinosaur Thu 09-May-13 11:44:37

You are absolutely not stupid or at fault. Let's be absolutely clear on that. I also totally disagree with those who have said you shouldn't have married your dh. He is absolutely not his parents as is clear from your posts. My dh has an equally dysfunctional relationship with his Dad and it never crossed my mind to walk away. Why would it, he is himself not his Dad!

You are totally nbu to want to protect your baby. I agree with others that tummy kissing is normal but the rest sure as hell is not. You're husband will have grown up with this so it will seem more normal to him - why not show him this thread?

I also agree with the poster who cautioned about splitting over this - your dh as a loving Dad would get contact with your dd during which time he could choose to leave her with his parents. You are much more able to protect her together (assuming you have no other reason to split which it doesn't sound like)

WilsonFrickett Thu 09-May-13 11:54:07

You are NBU in regards to your baby, but I hope you will give your DH a bit of time to come to terms with this. He sounds like a lovely man and it's easy to underestimate the hold that our pasts have on us. Set some firm ground rules and be there for him, encourage him to work through his thoughts and I do hope he'll come through this and see that his new family is his priority.

Look after your daughter and give DH some time. New parenthood stirs up all sorts of emotions. I'd put money on the fact he's desparately wishing all this away and wanting his parents to step up to be good grandparents, and almost turning a blind eye to the facts. Almost like having a second chance at his own childhood. Of course your child is your priority but please don't discount your DH.

Potteresque97 Thu 09-May-13 13:02:44

agree with WilsonFrickett too - DH might be angry/upset because he was entertaining a delusion that the grandparents might sort themselves out for the sake of the baby - lots of people think a baby will help people sort themselves out - if only it did...Seeing his perspective is one thing though, but he has to understand that you're being more than reasonble.

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 09-May-13 13:10:02

Nothing to add to all the fab advice you have been given.

Just want to say you are doing the absolutely right thing!

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 09-May-13 13:11:17

Oh and if you did split I am sure you would get a say in where she visits if she is at risk of harm?

tinkerbellvspredator Thu 09-May-13 13:28:51

I think you should try to agree a compromise. E.g. MIL can babysit at your house without FIL. They can both visit you in your home or in a neutral place as long as FIL doesn't drink during the visit. If FIL does improve in future then you will resume visits to their house (but never let FIL be with your Dc unless you are there). As you suggest MIL is fine I think something like that would be reasonable and show your DH that you all appreciate they are his parents and he wants them to have a relationship with his child.

CrapBag Thu 09-May-13 20:20:55

I don't think you made a mistake in marrying your DH because of his family at all. As you said, it has made him the complete opposite of them. Its just such a shame that he can't see how his own child should not be affected like he has been.

You never know, once he sees you are serious, he may not actually choose them anyway and he may realise where his loyalties lie.

I would hate to be judged by some of my relatives. Some of them are an embarrassment and I don't judge DH by his selfish relatives either as he is nothing like them, otherwise I wouldn't have married him. Don't beat yourself about your decision to marry him, you could not have forseen that he would want his child to have a closer relationship with his parents.

Keep us informed. flowers

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