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Lost the will to support friend with money issues any longer and not loan money?!

(70 Posts)
DaisyFlower123 Wed 08-May-13 13:25:16

I have a friend, call her A, all she ever does is whinge and moan about how much debt they are in, how they owe lots of money on credit cards, overdrawn etc, etc. I have now on a number of occasions sat down with her, at her request, gone through all their income and outgoings, helped them sort out how to pay back the debts etc. She and her DH never ever stick to this and are constantly fine dining, going on holiday and buying expensive things - apparently it is not worth having if it isn't designer!

Financially, myself and DH are doing well, though we earn less than friend and have childcare to pay for, we never use credit cards, have no loans (apart from mortgage) and are building up our savings. We have fun and go away etc but it'll be camping in cornwall rather than 2 weeks in St Lucia! We are not tight with money but we are careful.

Friend A has now had another crash financially and has asked us to loan them over £5000 so they 'can get on top of the worst credit cards'. they promise to pay us back within a year, they'll follow whatever financial plan I help them create etc, etc. We have said no. £5000 is ALOT of money to us and we are just expecting DC2 so need to cover my maternity etc. Friend A and DH are now livid with us, they say we can afford it and if we were true friends we would help them out.

The thing is I would help them out if I thought for one minute they would actually really try and sort things out but they have never done this in the past. I have never asked to be privy to their finances, they have always come to us, but I don't think their financial situation is our problem. I will always help them if they wanted advice, but I am no professional in this, I just know what myself and DH do. I've suggested they seek professional help from the debt repayment organisations etc but 'that's too demeaning' apparently.

Apparently this will effect our friendship long term according to them but I think that's just blackmail and makes me feel used!

In the background to all this we lent them £1000 about four years ago with a promised repayment of 3 mths, 2 years later they finally paid us back!!

AIBU to think this isn't my problem and they should respect our decision?

TheseFoolishThings Wed 08-May-13 13:27:23

Never lend more than you can afford to lose! And they've got a damned cheek asking. Let them go to the bank and apply for a consolidation loan - if the bank won't help there'll be a very good reason for that. You are absolutely NBU.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 08-May-13 13:27:24

Personally I would tell them to take a hike!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 08-May-13 13:28:44

The more you bail them out, the more you enable them to continue to be shit with money.

They have reached the point now where they feel that they are entitled to your money.

You are doing the right thing. You aren't helping them by chucking money at them.

Where is their reason to change their spending? They feel that you have a duty to give them your money!

Stay strong. If they fall out with you because you won't carry on giving them money - they were never friends in the first place and only pretended to be in order to bleed you dry.

You feel used because you are BEING used.

imo, you should say that you are not letting them have any more money ever, under any circumstances and if they choose to no longer be friends because of it, that's fine.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 08-May-13 13:28:51

Of course YANBU!

If it affects your friendship then so be it. It won't be a bad thing to lose people like this from your life. There is no way in the world you should lend them money.

What sort of an idiot thinks its more demeaning to go to professionals for help than to go begging to friends that have a baby on the way? That is warped.

kotinka Wed 08-May-13 13:29:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frostyfingers Wed 08-May-13 13:30:30

I don't think any friend should be asked to put up this sort of money and you were absolutely right to say no. Turning their argument on the head a true friend wouldn't ask someone to lend them that (any) sort of money. If you lose them as a friend, so be it - it is not up to you to sort their finances out - and you will, out of kindness, be perpetuating their inability to plan financially. For as long as they can rely on your generosity they will be able to stick their heads in the sand and hope it all goes away.

Stick to your guns, don't give even a tenner!

Tweasels Wed 08-May-13 13:30:36

No you are not being unreasonable. Don't lend them anything. How much money you have is irrelevant.

If they were true friends they wouldn't put you in this position.

The only way they will learn is if people stop bailing them out. You are being a better friend by not giving them any money.

I'd get shot to be honest. That's not a healthy friendship in my eyes.

wannabedomesticgoddess Wed 08-May-13 13:30:36


Wow. Just Wow. I cannot believe their cheek.

Tbh they sound like friends that you could do without.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 08-May-13 13:32:06

Tell them to fuck off.

They're not real friends. Plus, they're idiots, splashing money around that they don't have and expecting sensible friends to bail them out.

Stick to your guns. No. Not £5000. Not even £50.

A parent would balk at that request from a child after years of irresponsibility. Who do they think they are, getting angry at you for not being dumb or feeble enough to just go, shucks, sure thing, would you like to kick me up the arse for fun while I write you the cheque?

peopletalk Wed 08-May-13 13:32:07

do not lend these people money the amount of debt they are in 5 grand will just be a temporary fix and as you say they wont change.

if you fiendship is worth so little to them id step away from them anyway

EddieVeddersfoxymop Wed 08-May-13 13:32:34

Don't lend. Walk away, and don't be coerced into don't owe them anything - certainly not £5k to bail them out!!!

You've done more than most would by sitting down and helping them with a financial plan. You've pointed them in the direction of professional help - it's not your fault if they have a chip in their shoulder and can't ask for it.

It might be a good thing for you if this does affect your friendship - doesn't sound like the type of person you need in your life.

Walk, no RUN away grin

oldwomaninashoe Wed 08-May-13 13:32:39

They had already decided in their minds that you would lend this to them and are now put out that you have said "No".
If the bank won't help them tough, you should not be expected to bale them out of their hole.

I never lend unless I can afford to lose it.

somebloke123 Wed 08-May-13 13:33:15

You are earning less than them and yet you have very kindly given of your own time to give them free personal finance advice, which they have ignored.

You are not being unreasonable at all - quite the contrary.

bleedingheart Wed 08-May-13 13:33:23


Immature, shallow, greedy irresponsible people don't make great friends so I would imagine you won't feel their loss too deeply.

maras2 Wed 08-May-13 13:34:50

What a flipping nerve.No real friends would be so cheeky.Tell her to do one.Good luck and best wishes for DC2.

OhCobblers Wed 08-May-13 13:35:35

I Absolutely would not do this. They're not friends at all to you if they attempt blackmail like that. What appalling people, I would drop them immediately.

DaisyFlower123 Wed 08-May-13 13:36:27

Thank you, was pretty sure we IANBU. Was just really thrown by it all, especially as DC2 due in a couple of weeks after a long and difficult pregnancy! I feel anyone who cares about us shouldn't be putting pressure on us now, but instead supporting us and perhaps offering to help us out for a change (I mean generally not financially)
I know I am probably just hormonal but I really feel fed up at the moment. DH and I go out of our way to try and be nice and supportive to all the people we care about. Stuff like this makes me feel like a used doormat and a fool!

flowery Wed 08-May-13 13:37:17

YANBU. If they would consider the friendship affected long term by your refusal then they are not your friends in the first place as they do not respect you. In any case the friendship has already been damaged by their attitude.

YoniOneWayOfLife Wed 08-May-13 13:38:00

No sodding way would I consider lending them money. Even 5K would not be worth their friendship - you won't see it back, and they will just ask for more.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Wed 08-May-13 13:38:31

You're a good friend for bailing them out in the past and also taking time to sit down with them and give them advice. They however are taking the royal piss. How dare they expect more money from you. Good on you for saying no. No real friend would put these demands on a person. They are in this mess because of their careless attitude to spending. The only way they will learn is to dig their way out of the shit themselves.

I get really angry when I hear of people like this.

specialsubject Wed 08-May-13 13:41:31

you've seen the light! You are not a fool because you aren't giving them more money.

tell them to take a hike, enough kicks in the teeth. You would never see this money again.

say goodbye. Good luck with the baby and congratulations.

expatinscotland Wed 08-May-13 13:41:44


TantrumsAndBalloons Wed 08-May-13 13:41:55

Oh dear lord almighty who on earth thinks its appropriate to ask friends to lend them 5k???

That's ridiculous.

You have already tried to help them. Clearly they are not interested. And tbh if it ruins the so called friendship-good.
They should be helping you, being supportive, you are just about to give birth. Instead they are hassling you to lend them a ridiculous amount of money.

worsestershiresauce Wed 08-May-13 13:43:55

I have a rule, never lend to friends or family unless you are wealthy enough to treat it as a gift. You won't get it back, you know that don't you.

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