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Am I being unfair

(15 Posts)
glittertree Wed 08-May-13 09:05:00

Hi wondered if anyone could give me mother is terminally ill with cancer and is now starting to go downhill things are very tough and we are all very upset my husband and I are all she has around her so now I feel we have to really step up and help her as much as we can because she is starting to struggle ...
.anyway I have a friend who has asked me to help out at a group I politely declined because right now I don't feel I can really commit to anything I just want to make sure that we are here for mum...I sent a message saying she has gone downhill and needs more of our time and care right now and that I would see how things are in months to come and then help if I could...
I got a message back saying I should just fill out forms and register myself to help anyway when i could...
I sent another message back saying that I needed to sort out my Passport for i.d then I would help when I was ready and could....unbelievably another message came back saying what is it you need to change i felt as if she didnt believe me...and then she said ok I will tell my friend you won't be at this meeting but you will be in touch very this time I was starting to feel a bit annoyed and pissed off ...this friend helps with everything and is involved with a lot of groups am I being unreasonable not to help right now I know this isn't a big problem but I felt she could have just left it after the first reply I being me feels guilty now but I really feel its the last thing on my mind right now to commit to anything ..

MaryRobinson Wed 08-May-13 09:12:30

Do not feel guilty. She is being ridiculously pushy.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 08-May-13 09:13:07

YANBU - tell her to fuck off and then when she gets there fuck off some more. Your mum is terminally ill FGS - if she can't understand that then I would delete her from my life.

Some people.

Sorry about your mum, I was in that situation 2.5 years ago now so understand what you are going through.

Iwishitwouldgetwarmer Wed 08-May-13 09:14:08

Sorry to hear about your Mother. flowers

Not unreasonable at all. If she had any decency she would say not to worry as you've got enough on your plate.

If I was you I'd message back saying you can't commit to anything at the moment and will be in touch if, and when, you're able. And then ignore any more messages from her.

Pilgit Wed 08-May-13 09:16:45

No, you are not being unfair. You do not need to justify or explain why you don't want to volunteer for something - irrespective of your family situation currently. You have politely said no and now you are being pushed. Maybe the more blunt approach would be helpful. Sorry about your mum. I hope it is as calm and stress free as possible.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 08-May-13 09:18:19

I am really sorry about your mum.

tbh, I would send her a message saying I won't be helping out. My mother is terminally ill. That means she is dying. She is my priority. Don't ask me again. I can't believe that you can push me on this when I have told you that I am caring for my terminally ill parent.

Callisto Wed 08-May-13 09:19:25

So sorry about your mother. I lost my mum to MS a couple of years ago, it is really tough time and I feel for you.

YANBU at all and would be well within your rights to tell this 'friend' exactly how upsetting and annoying her relentless pushiness is for you. And if she gets huffy with you it will tell you exactly how much of a friend she is.

Sending all good karma your way, try and look after yourself too.

DeepRedBetty Wed 08-May-13 09:19:31


Yanbu. A short message to say you will be in touch when it's convenient to you, then ignore until it is convenient to you and not before!

HoHoHoNoYouDont Wed 08-May-13 09:22:19

Sorry to hear about your Mother. I was in the same situation a few years back so I know how you must be feeling right now flowers

Don't feel guilty about not volunteering for your friend. Family is your priority right now. If she pesters you again then be quite frank with her. Not that you should have to be, as a friend she should be more understanding of your situation but some people are so involved in their own lives they don't stop to see what's going on in other's.

StuntGirl Wed 08-May-13 09:22:54

What hec says. Your 'friend' is an insensitive bitch.

pictish Wed 08-May-13 09:27:35

She's a pushy, bossy sort I'll wager....bustling about and making stuff happen.

Some people are a bit like that. Dh's aunt is forever trying to boss me into things and getting her diary out to secure dates, and sending me reminders and so's very aggravating.

I have a friend who is the same...she gets an idea in her head and determines that whatever it is, she will chivvy everyone along to make it happen. She's annoying too.

You have to be firm with these people. Polite and pleasant but firm.

They do it to everyone.

aldiwhore Wed 08-May-13 09:28:03

For some people, if you give them a reason they see it as an excuse. If you say you would help but can't due to xyz, they see it as their duty and right to negotiate terms. These people need to be simply told NO. No reasons, no openings for them to come back with 'solutions'.


I understand why you gave your reasons, you're polite and have reasons.

I am sorry to hear about your mum, she is priority. You are absolutely right to make as few other committments as possible.

pictish Wed 08-May-13 09:32:02

If you say you would help but can't due to xyz, they see it as their duty and right to negotiate terms.

This is the truth. The two people I mentioned in my earlier posts are both bosses in their workplace....and you can see why. Some people are doers, and organisers and have no qualms imposing their will.

Problem is...neither of them are MY boss, and they rub me up the wrong way with their beetling.

maddening Wed 08-May-13 10:43:05

What is this group?

I would reply to say that they are in danger of irreparably damaging this friendship being that they are pressuring you about something which is trivial to you right now given that you are currently going through a major life event - a friend would have not done what this woman has - you shouldn't be worrying about this at all.

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 08-May-13 11:26:30

YANBU. What's pushy, self-absorbed, insensitive git she is.

You have every right to tell her no, and due to her attitude you won't be involved in the future, either.

Sorry about your mum flowers

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