To say no to their request to visit so soon after the birth?(52 Posts)
Feeling stressed about this so (gulp) hoping that the collective wisdom of AIBU can help...
I'm due to give birth to our first child on 27th July. None of my family live nearby and they rarely visit so I was surprised to get an email from my brother (who lives in the USA) yesterday suggesting that he and my sister (who lives in the UK) would like to visit for a week, starting on 14th August. It would be the first time either of them have stayed in our new house which we bought a year ago, and obviously, they'd like to meet the baby.
DH is not naturally a sociable guy and finds having houseguests very stressful at any time, but he's totally freaked by the idea of people coming for a week so soon after the birth (which given our collective family histories, could easily be a couple of weeks late) and thinks it's extremely presumptive of them to suggest it like this. He insists that he doesn't have a problem with them visiting, but it would have to be in later weeks. For myself, I feel a bit uncomfortable about the idea too. On one hand it might be helpful to have other experienced parents around to offer advice, etc. But I guess I don't see enough of them throughout the rest of the year to feel that having them around the entire week would be completely relaxing. I would feel I had to play hostess to some extent IYSWIM.
But I know that they both have family and work commitments and pushing things into a later time may not be possible for them, particularly for my brother who is so far away. I'm genuinely touched that they want to visit, and don't want to cause offense by saying 'no'. Them staying in a hotel is not going to be an option on cost grounds as it'll be the height of the tourist season here.
I get on fine with my siblings, but we've never been very close, largely because they're both over 10 years older than me. I think I could probably explain my feelings to my sister and she'd understand, but my brother might not. I already sent them both a message pointing out that if I was late and had a difficult birth, I might only just be out of hospital by the 14th and he responded with a 'Well you can't plan for the worst all the time. Babies are unpredictable. That's life. We'd manage.'
Are me and DH being silly getting wound up about this or would others see it as a totally normal thing for families to do? Any tips on how to suggest that it's not a good time without coming across as stand-offish?
If it's relevent, our mother died some years ago and we have different fathers so there is no parental involvement to this.
I was very brave and had MIL to stay (from Australia) for 2w prior to DS1 being born and 6w after. I asked her to come, as my own mum had died before DS1 was born - and I thought she might be some help. As it was, she was a great help BUT it still didn't stop me wanting to scream at times with her being there! Luckily I could escape to the bedroom with DS1, who had a tonguetie and fed very slowly, so I had time away - but sometimes when she had DS1 for a cuddle I had an extremely strong (and always held in check) impulse to snatch MY baby back again!
We still get on well, but I couldn't have her to stay at such a time again - when DS2 was born, we were all in Australia and having her come around every day was too much.
Love my DM to bits but she also had the 'chat' about when she could and when she couldn't stay, for all the reasons stated on here. It was fab too, my DP is much tougher than I am where things like that are concerned and did it.
God, I love a unanimous thread!
I am watching this thread with interest as my DC2 is due in November and we are not in the UK at present. Both DM and DMil would love to come over around the time of the birth, but I honestly think they'd be more of a hindrance than help. I was similar to other posters here in that after DD, we had so many visitors during DH's paternity leave that we barely had time to be just us. I don't want that again. However, how do you tell the 2 mums that?!
In terms of your scenario, YADNBU! And all the more so given it's not like you see them regularly. There is nothing worse than bleeding from all orafaces and having to put on a brave face when all you want to do is curl up in a ball with your new bundle.
We'd manage ?
Well, maybe they would manage, but it isn't at all fair to you to come for a week when you have a newborn. I think older parents sometimes forget what it is like in early days. (assuming they are parents themselves)
I think you should tell them wait for another time, as that won't be convenient for you.
TrucksAndDinosaurs suggestion sounds polite yet horrifying enough to make a point that it is not a good time.
I am due Nov & funnily enough my in laws, who live the other side of the UK , brought this up last night. As my family live close by I couldn't keep them away so said anyone can come whenever but they stay in the hotel across the road. This rule applies untill we are ready for house guests. If it helps when DH returns to work we are going to say he is sleeping in the spare room which might let us keep our rule in check for longer.
Hope this helps, good luck
A hotel or holiday let 1month after your due date imo to allow for going overdue and 2weeks to start recovery.
It could be lovely! You might have an easy delivery and an easy baby and be able to have a lovely bonding time with your new family and extended family. You can define expectations ahead of the visit about who is shopping and cooking and doing laundry (not you!) and enjoy their company. Go for it!
Going against the general consensus but if they are coming out of concern and to offer support then it could be good - I ended up flying home with a 2 week old to get some help. Could you chat to your sister about their reason for the visit? Maybe as your mum isn't here to help they want to be there for you?
You need time alone for a while after having a baby to adjust and get your head round it all, the last thing you need is stressing about people coming to stay! Just explain it to them - I'm sure they'll understand.
My dh wanted his whole family round one week after the birth and I felt like my house had been taken over and I was so stressed and upset. He didn't see the problem but every family is different. That was only for the day too!
I'm sure if they book a hotel now it'll be ok
Thanks everyone for your replies. They've really helped to reassure me and DH about our feelings.
In answer to some questions, yes they do both have kids (5 in total, aged between 1-23yrs). The hotel idea would be nice in many ways, but I know that neither of them could afford it at this time of year, even a cheap one. And we do have spare rooms here that they could stay in if they were coming, so it wouldn't feel right to have them stay elsewhere.
My feelings on this have been complicated because I've really been looking forward to spending some time with the two of them - we don't get to do it very often - but this is just the wrong time! As some of said, it 'could' work out great, but I think the risk of it turning awful is too high.
I'm going to call my (lovely) midwife and ask her a couple of questions about the reality of being a new mum in those first few weeks so I can pop her name into conversations if needed. Then think I'll give DSis a call and hopefully she'll understand. DBro will be a bit trickier, but hopefully he'll be able to visit some other time in the next year.
Oh, forgot to add in above, I did wonder if they were suggesting coming in order to lend support, but that's not how the email is worded. And it would be, tbh, unusual for DBro to come out with a suggestion along those lines. So far I haven't had any in-depth conversation about the pregnancy with him at all. But my DSis might be thinking along those lines, so will ask her about it when I speak to her.
My brother did this. Arranged a visit some two weeks after I was due. I went 16 days over and was in hospital for a week. He met my daughter a month later!
Stick to your guns!
Adding to the YADNBU camp. My DF lives 400 miles away and all the inlaws are 200 miles away. I'm due 3 days after you and am making no plans til after the LO arrives and I've got my bearings...
In terms of accommodation, www.airbnb.com has some great cheap rooms for short term let (I stay in London for work sometimes and use this) but check the ratings (I learned that the hard way!)
Tell them your midwife has very firmly told you no visitors staying in your house for at least 6 weeks after the birth. You need time to establish breastfeeding and bond with the baby.
Chocolate I know we live in a similar area of the country <waves from August thread>.
PIL here have booked a holiday cottage 1hr drive away for 2 weeks. Then they can still reasonably drive and see us for the day when they want to but also have a bit of a break/holiday and see the area as well. They aren't too bad price wise as they are out of the busy area. Would that work at all?
I think you can say exactly this to them:
"My feelings on this have been complicated because I've really been looking forward to spending some time with the two of them - we don't get to do it very often - but this is just the wrong time!"
And go on to say that you don't want to be dealing with anyone else at that time except you, your DH and your new baby.
If they persist with the "we'll deal with it" line then you have to be as blunt as them and say "no we won't, I don't want visitors at that time".
Morning, <Waves back to Ruck>
Thanks again for all the advice. Here's an update. Looks like it's sorted now thankfully!
Spoke to DSis last night and as soon as I mentioned the trip, she immediately started saying she didn't want to stress me about this and she would understand if I didn't want to arrange anything. So I explained a bit about how I might be feeling post-birth, need for some quality time with DH and baby, etc. We agreed to not arrange anything until after the baby arrives. If that ties in with DBro's trip to the UK (it turns out he's coming for a work-related trip and hadn't intended to stay the whole week with us anyway - but that wasn't what his email said!), then great. But if not, he'll stay with DSis and visit us another year. If he objects to this at all, DSis will sort him out .
So I'm guessing I may arrange with DSis for her to stay a few days in late summer/autumn once DH has gone back to work and she can help me out a bit as well as getting her share of the baby cuddles, but no need to stress about it now. <Phew!>
" 'Well you can't plan for the worst all the time. Babies are unpredictable. That's life. We'd manage.'"
But what about you? No thought to whether you would manage or not....
Tell them no it is not convenient to stay at mine for their visit back in the UK.
Glad to see the update. I was going to post that with my first DC, I felt under incredible pressure to 'get back to normal' and DH did things like organise meals out when DD was 2 weeks old. I think he was panicking a bit that his life would never be the same again. I had had an awful birth, and was utterly exhausted, to the point that it was simpler not to argue.
I hated having visitors, I was so tired and in so much pain, all I wanted to do was sleep.
I actually felt quite bitter about it, and when DS arrived almost 2 years later, I basically spent almost a month just at home, recovering and getting used to having a newborn again. We had very few visitors, and it was great.
I don't want to put you off OP, some people have perfectly fine births and feel great, others feel like they have been hit by a truck. I suppose what I am trying to say is make sure you give yourself lots of space and time, and don't allow anyone to put pressure on you.
Good luck with the baby.
Everyone feels fab when a baby is born. It's so exciting. What they generally forget is that the mum doesn't. You need privacy. Lovely if they come over and help out properly, bringing you feed and getting stuff from shops etc. But they need to stay somewhere else!
It's your house, it's up to you who visits, when & for how long.
If they come over & stay nearby, the above still applies...
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