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to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

(375 Posts)
KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 19:32:19

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Wed 08-May-13 18:35:59

Yes chund they have a solicitor who is hopefully going to be able to sort it, but he has been honest and said there is always the chance she won't get it.

KentishWine Wed 08-May-13 18:36:56

Thanks for all these responses. There have been some genuinely useful ideas (e.g. move out of London for cheaper childcare, SAHD, etc) and some less good ideas (e.g. get over yourself cos children are not possessions and you have no right to one). When DH and I imagine us at 80, we DO imagine children and grandchildren and great family memories. This thread has cemented that fact for us. So we will do everything in our power to make this happen. We won't have a fancy pram or a lovely nursery, but we're happy and positive people and we'll have a well looked after and loved child. And in a few years, none of this will be an issue as we'll both be earning well.

Over and out!

minouminou Wed 08-May-13 18:53:59

Come back and let us know how it all goes, won't you?

TheBigJessie Wed 08-May-13 19:00:10

Buy this.

greenformica Wed 08-May-13 20:00:09

Start Now, this second! Seriously no time is a good time and you will never regret having your kids.

We had problems due to my mid thirties age - but a little boost from some clomid drugs helped.

brdgrl Wed 08-May-13 21:07:58

good luck, kentish. I think you sound lovely and as though you've made pretty good life choices up to now, so I have a feeling you will be just fine. Tell us when you're pregnant, won't you??

bishboschone Wed 08-May-13 21:16:40

A childminder would be cheaper , also I would give you any baby stuff I had spare as I'm sure others would .. Go for it .

Jengnr Wed 08-May-13 21:29:55

Him not having recourse to public funds doesn't mean you don't.

showtunesgirl Wed 08-May-13 22:36:43

OP, you don't have to move out of London if you don't want to, just look for a different part of London.

We pay £800 pcm for our lovely childminder though if you were to go over the hill from us, the nursery costs would be about £1200.

You just have to be smart and get looking.

I am in the just do it camp being someone who is also in a "niche" industry as is my DH and we don't have a lot of money and we are absolutely fine and very happy with 17 m/o DD.

If we had waited until everything was in place, it would never have happened for us. And no, we don't get handouts and benefits either.

cafecito Wed 08-May-13 22:50:55

Kentish, hope you have a happy and healthy future smile there are many EU law case precedents to indicate your DH would not leave the country at all, so don't worry about that side of it. hope it all goes well.

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 08-May-13 23:14:21

I hope it works out for you. Dont forget to come back and update, and hopefully get loads of hand me down baby stuff!

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Wed 08-May-13 23:31:26

I actually think it is vaid to ask what will OP do if baby is disabled or she has twins, since this thread is about financing one NT child.

I'm not saying OP will have multiples or a SN child, I merely meant those variables should be on the list of things to consider.

olgaga Thu 09-May-13 00:30:24

Chunder I am rather downcast to read your latest post directed at me. Do leave it out. It contributes nothing whatsoever to this thread.

I thought your comments to the OP - which were actually far more straightforward than mine - were very useful.

That's why I picked up on them.

olgaga Thu 09-May-13 00:32:15

I might add, I think you have a great attitude OP, and will be a great mum. I just hope it's not too hard, but hopefully your parents will be able to help. They'll have to!

raisah Thu 09-May-13 00:51:12

You will find a way to make it work. I had my first at 34 & second dc @ 36, financially it is tight but we manage. You dont know how long it will take you to get pregnant so to delay it might work against you.

Before ttc check your company maternity policy discretely to see how long you have to be enployed by them to qualify for maternity pay. If you become pregnant v quickly you might not get maternity pay so will have to depend on your dps wage for a year.

With regards to childcare, consider a cm rather than a nursery as it often works out cheaper. My cm charges £45 per child daily whereas the local nursery is £55 per child. They get more one to one care as she has 1 other baby in her charge. Whereas they would have been in a much larger group in the local nursery.

Good luck

MyBaby1day Thu 09-May-13 02:58:13

YANBU, go for it!. Just stick to the one (unless it's twins)!. LOL and go for your dream baby!!. Good Luck x

Chunderella Thu 09-May-13 07:30:40

I really can't understand why you're making such a big deal about being asked not to presume things on a subject you admit you don't know a lot about, Olgaga.

Morloth Thu 09-May-13 07:34:02

Well to be fair Chunderella you can't really ask people to do that, we have no idea who you are.

olgaga Thu 09-May-13 07:44:02

Chunder the only thing I have presumed is that the OP, and you, might know what you're talking about.

My mistake! grin

Illustrationaddict Thu 09-May-13 07:46:19

Do it, life's not tidy and as a woman, unfortunately you only have x time to do it. It is a disgrace that anyone should be too poor to have a child, it is a basic human right and would be awful if only the rich we're allowed to procreate. Yes you need money, but you also learn to cope on not a lot. We do it, and actually we are going to be worse off with me returning to work in the next few weeks, but I can see in the long term we will be better off for me working.

Gerty1002 Thu 09-May-13 08:04:35

Do you have a lot of family/friends around you who could help?

I was in a slightly similar situation 15 months ago in that DP and I thought I had PCOS. Though we'd only just moved in together and got engaged, and we weren't exactly rolling in it, we decided to go for it. 9 months on and we were getting nowhere fast.

Then a new job opportunity cropped up for me and we discussed whether to stop trying for 6 months. We decided no, though it would be inconvenient in a new iob, it was what we both really wanted and we didn't want to jeopardise our chances in any way.

I found out 7 days before starting my new job that I was pregnant! I'm now 23+6 and think it was the best decision I've ever made - and that's despite having to leave my new job because they were VERY unsupportive when I told them I was pregnant.

As for money, when we really worked at cutting costs we found that we had a lot more spare money than we originally thought, so I was able to go for a part time job to see me through pregnancy and the first few months of being a working mum.

However, we have been extremely lucky in that our family have been so supportive, bought us most of the big things baby needs and we know they will be more than willing to help with childcare. My grandmother has already provisionally been hired as a very cheap nanny.

Just do what is right for you - and remember it may take a while to become pregnant, your DH's benefit sanctions may have run out by then.

Littlehousesomewhere Thu 09-May-13 08:44:15

Good luck op!
Hope you get pregnant straight away and it all works out, I am sure it will.

I still can't believe people were advising you to wait hmm. That clock has been clanging for good reason.

C999875 Thu 09-May-13 19:46:17

No of course you're not being unreasonable. It's your body your life your choice. If you want a baby I say go ahead. It's not onlt the rich that have the right to procreate It's hardly the crime of the century to want to create a new life. I am a single mum trying to concieve, does that make me wrong. Things always work themselves out. xx

KingRollo Thu 09-May-13 19:58:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gettingeasiernow Thu 09-May-13 20:12:22

If your mum was 43 when she went into menopause, you do need to hurry. I was told by a fertility specialist that most women are infertile 6-7 years before their last period. In your shoes I would get a move on, hope that somehow it would all be doable. Having gone it entirely alone at age 43, I can say it's really tough at times but you do always seem to manage somehow. If you can visualise a happy life without one though, maybe come to terms with that? I'm sorry this isn't more positive, but honestly, I would assume you've got to decide one way or another now, and I know which way I'd choose.

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