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to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

(375 Posts)
KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 19:32:19

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

Jengnr Tue 07-May-13 19:34:49

Why won't you be eligible for tax credits?

patienceisvirtuous Tue 07-May-13 19:36:22

Yanbu. You will find a way to make things work.

TiredyCustards Tue 07-May-13 19:40:31

Sounds like you can afford to be a sahm.

Cb is £20/week.

Totally just go for it, you'll make it work

cogitosum Tue 07-May-13 19:41:02

Assuming you're both basic rate taxpayers you can get childcare vouchers through your work and that effectively cuts your Childcare costs by a third to £800

And it could all take a while so you could start saving the £500 now as much as possible to build up savings. You'll cope. People do.

pregnantpause Tue 07-May-13 19:41:55

I'm sorry but I think yabu. You know you can't look after a baby with your job and you need your job to look after a babysad sad the worst that can happen is you have a baby, you lose your job as you have no childcare and your left with no money for rent bills or foodsad You don't pay rent as you have to eat. You lose your home and have to go to a b and b e waiting for council to house you.

youmaycallmeSSP Tue 07-May-13 19:42:07

YANBU. There is never a perfect time to have a baby and it sounds as though it's now or never.

KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 19:42:35

DH is subject to immigration control. Last time we applied for his visa to stay in the UK I had to show I could support us both without benefits. I think WTC is a benefit. On DHs visa it states 'no recourse to public funds'. WTCs are a public fund. Please correct me if I'm wrong- I'd LOVE to be wrong!

LST Tue 07-May-13 19:42:53

we're trying for dc2 and we have no where near £500 left after bills etc.

I say go for it too.

kotinka Tue 07-May-13 19:43:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Tue 07-May-13 19:43:58

YAB a bit U. If you can't afford childcare then one of you will have to give up work. How will you pay your bills?

LadyVoldemort Tue 07-May-13 19:44:13

Would moving somewhere with cheaper living rates be an option? SAHM could be an option, it'd save a fortune in childcare fees.

Most people do find a way to cope, even if it is a very tough period in their life.

lyndie Tue 07-May-13 19:44:32

It sounds complicated but if I had waited until everything was perfect I'd still be waiting!

KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 19:45:17

pregnantpause - yes that would be pretty diabolical!

InvaderZim Tue 07-May-13 19:47:10

Look into the WTC thing. After all, he's eligible for NHS treatment. I was rather surprisingly given a local government study grant when I was under restricted visa as well.

khaleesidragon Tue 07-May-13 19:48:37

If you're and in London and renting you may also be able to get housing benefit depending on how much you earn. DH and I get £100 a week towards rent, however I am a SAHM so joint income may be considerably less than yours.

scarletforya Tue 07-May-13 19:48:43


Do it. There is never a perfect time to have a baby. You can get loads of brilliant things secondhand. Babies only use things for a few months at most anyway. You can buy new mattresses for your cot (if you even bother with one!) and prams.

I'm the last in my family to have a child and I've been deluged with things, a lot of which were practically new. People love to get rid of their baby stuff and to see it go somewhere useful.

I had my baby late and was terrified but luckily it's been great so far. Hard work but nothing to dread. I know not everyone has the same experience though.

Do you have siblings/friends with children? A support network is great even if it's just other people in the same boat as you. My parents are not alive but my siblings have been nothing short of brilliant. Even if not though, I think if you are generally a capable person then you will find a way. Best of luck! grin

TiredyCustards Tue 07-May-13 19:49:40

Or could dh be a sahd?

AintNobodyHereButUsKittens Tue 07-May-13 19:49:47

Could your parents help with childcare? (DH's presumably unavailable)

khaleesidragon Tue 07-May-13 19:50:34

Also, try looking on 'turn to us' website. You can calculate what benefits you would be entitled to and try different scenarios to see what works out best. It is very accurate.

DumSpiroSpero Tue 07-May-13 19:50:52

What if you went to work full time & your DP was the SAHP? Then the tc's would be relevant to you I think.

I really feel for you. On the one hand it's important to be responsible, but equally I know people who have a child/children on next to nothing and have no idea how they do it. I think a lot depends on your expectations re lifestyle and the strength of your relationship as much as child, hard cash tbh.

kotinka Tue 07-May-13 19:52:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheYamiOfYawn Tue 07-May-13 19:53:44

I'd start saving now and go for it.o Workwise, could you spend a year or two either working shifts to cut down on childcare costs, so one parent would be at home, or work from home as a childminder so that you are earning without incurring childcare costs, although your home might not be suitable.

MrsBertBibby Tue 07-May-13 19:55:23

Talk to the CAB about Child and Working tax credits (and the new schemes) but I'm pretty sure you'd be able to claim them. The rules about those benefits aren't the same as for out of work benefits.

DTisMYdoctor Tue 07-May-13 19:55:32

I think if you leave it until you're 40, you have to consider that you might never have a child. I had a child at 35, waited until nearly 40 to ttc for number 2 with no success. While I don't think that you should just get pregnant and be damned with the consequences, if I were you I'd try and figure out a way to make it work. Childcare vouchers, CB at £80-ish a month (if you're both basic rate tax payers), get some advice on whether you could claim tax credits. Look at your outgoings and check out websites like that Martin bloke site (I always forget what it's called), for tips on cutting costs and make sure you're not accidentally frittering money (do you meal plan, use sites like topcashback for online purchases etc - every little counts). Consider whether part-time working might be feasible, especially if you have access to childcare vouchers.

I hope everything works out for you.

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