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To think DH's family are a bunch of arseholes?

(22 Posts)
Midori1999 Mon 06-May-13 18:42:02

Sorry for the title, but I'm really at the end of my rope.

When I first met DH's family I really liked them. His parents are divorced and both a long time remarried.

There have been many incidents over the years, DH's step mum slagging off his ex wife at every opportunity, then telling her that I was unkind to my DSS and treated him unfairly. She then told my DSIS and I that she had known his ex had had an affair while she was married to DH and she'd caught her kissing another man while out with him one night, but shhh, don't tell DH. I didn't tell DH but then she told him anyway, causing him much hurt as he had been utterly devastated when his ex wife left him and felt knowing these things would have made the split easier for him. DH's stepmum also didn't attend our DDs' funeral as 'it would have been too upsetting for her, she loves children'.

Then DH's mother and stepfather... When I was on bed rest while pregnant with my twins, knowing it was almost certain I'd lose them both, his mum repeatedly sent emails asking if we'd found out the gender yet and how she hoped at least one was a girl. Then they came to stay when my DH was away and my mum came to help and they treated her like a servant, DH's stepdad would say to MIL that he fancied a cup of tea and MIL would say to my mum 'ooh, go and make him one, there's a love' and she would hand the baby to my mum for nappy changes etc if I was cooking dinner. They didn't lift a finger to help and never said please or thank you. Stepdad also makes my DC uncomfortable with 'jokes' like grippy handshakes where he squeezes and won't let go.

DH's brother also didn't attend our twin girls' funeral as his wife was 6 months pregnant and it was far to travel. Fair enough. However, they now want us to go to their DS's christening when I will be 6 months into a pregnancy with lots of complications and haven't so much as suggested it might be too much. They have asked DH to be godfather, so he feels he has to go even if I can't. They also literally spammed us with hundreds of photos of their DS when he was born just months after our DDs died. I understand they were excited/happy/thrilled, but it really was hundreds if not thousands of photos.

Also, none of them acknowledge my DC's birthdays or send them a card or a present at Christmas, I dont know if this is normal or not? My mum and grandmother send cards/money to my DSC who don't live with us.

DH thinks they can do no wrong (except for his stepmum, although he has never said anything to her about any of it). I don't want him to fall out with them but I wish he would just take them to task on their rudeness/treatment of my own DC.

Sparhawk Mon 06-May-13 18:44:02

Ugh, they sound like insensitive aresholes.

Midori1999 Mon 06-May-13 18:47:14

God, sorry, that's like war and peace.... blush

Astley Mon 06-May-13 18:57:34

Oh Midori I think about you and those lovely girls a lot actually. They sound like wankers. Anyone who doesn't have the basic human decency to understand how bloody horrific it must be to lose 2 children,almost at the same time is not worth wasting time on.

I feel a bit tearful just thinking about you getting all those photos.

Chottie Mon 06-May-13 19:11:18

These people are toxic.

'nuff said.

CalamityKate Mon 06-May-13 19:19:30

Nope. I'd say your assessment was pretty accurate.

They sound like complete arseholes.

jizjones Mon 06-May-13 19:46:01

Midori1999 Can only echo what previous posters have said.

I hope you can stay strong in the face of such toxicity, you have my sympathy and best wishes that you can find a way through/out of their manipulations.

calypso2008 Mon 06-May-13 20:09:53

Simple -YANBU

Have I got this right (sorry - am shocked and do not know your story) but they did not come to the funeral of your children but expect you to go to a christening?

Words fail me and I would not be going.

Sorry if I have misunderstood - it just beggers belief.
As for the parents/step parents, they sound dreadful.

Kafri Mon 06-May-13 20:50:36

I don't think I need to add anything to this about what utter a***holes they all seem to be.

What I would like to add though is that, if it is a church of england christening then your DH would not have to be there in order to be a godparent. One of my sons chosen godfathers is in the army and there was the possibilty that he was having his leave cancelled and I was told that he would still be able to be a God parent.

purpleloosestrife Mon 06-May-13 20:56:35

offering flowers here and YANBU, they definitely are aresholes.

LunaticFringe Mon 06-May-13 20:57:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlinaTree Mon 06-May-13 22:23:14

What you have to realise is that this is not at you. This is just what they are like. They are self centered and thoughtless. You will have to put up with them in your life - they are your family.

When they do something thoughtless, you need to take a deep breath, step away and let your DH deal with them. Any one here reading your story, so presumably anyone who knows you in RL will agree they are being thoughtless, so try to off load it if you can onto a sympathetic ear and remember it's not because you've done anything to them, they are just like this.

Me and my DH have also lost a baby soon after birth, so we know how hard it is and how insensitive people can be without meaning to.

YANBU, but you will have to leave it to your DH I'm afraid.

LineRunner Mon 06-May-13 22:36:13

I don't think that was 'war and peace', midori, I think that was a very concise account of all the ways in which they have, indeed, behaved like arseholes. I agree with parking them off somewhere in your head and do nothing for them.

Think about changing or getting a new additional your own personal email address, so your DH has to deal with all their nonsense.

And flowers

IneedAyoniNickname Mon 06-May-13 22:41:41

Yanbu. They sound awful! Hugs and flowers

Viviennemary Mon 06-May-13 22:51:15

If they are really this bad all the time then you should avoid them totally and absolutely completely. People are right. They are toxic.

ScrambledSmegs Mon 06-May-13 23:01:35

YANBU. A very accurate assessment, I'd say.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Tue 07-May-13 01:01:25

They sound awful. Channel your energies into your own family, sod their christenings and toxic gossip.

And more flowers.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 07-May-13 01:14:32

I don't think your DH should go if you feel you need him at home in any way. They are not the kind of people worth making an effort for. I'm sorry for your terrible loss. I can't imagine. flowers

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Tue 07-May-13 01:19:11

YANBU (but I think you know that). smile

Avoid them at all costs.

Alligatorpie Tue 07-May-13 03:04:03

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

And yes, they sound incredibly insensitive.

maddening Tue 07-May-13 05:40:33

My goodness - insensitive arseholes doesn't even cover it - yanbu at all!

So sorry for your losses flowers

BuntyCollocks Tue 07-May-13 08:43:39

They sound like complete KNOBBERS. YANBU. So sorry for your losses.

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