I ditched my friend and her reaction has annoyed me AIBU (an unreasonably long post!)(28 Posts)
not so Short Story:
My friend (we'll call her Fiona) decided to audition for the X Factor a couple of weeks ago. She decided to go alone as all of her family and friends were busy. A few days before she was due to audition I suddenly became available to go with her but did not offer. She rang me up and after a long talk I agreed that I would go with her. The day before the audition I became extremely anxious (more on this later) and told her that I would be unable to join her but still supported her and would be there for her if she needed to ring me. She went ballistic, decided to stop talking to me and told our other friend (Hannah) that she shouldn't talk to me either.
*The Long Story
and the Bigger Picture *:
Recently, I left my University course to move back across the country to live with my parents. This was largely due to depression and anxiety (which I have suffered from for a long time). Fiona knows that I am struggling at the moment; I find it almost impossible to leave the house for long periods of time without becoming extremely anxious and distressed.
A week before the X Factor audition Fiona persistently and repeatedly rang my parents house (up to 4 times in an hour) so as to "encourage" me to get out of the house. She said that if I did not come and see her then she would drive to my parents house and come inside anyway. These types of conversation were usually at unreasonable hours (after 10pm). I appreciate that she was trying to help- in her own way- however her behaviour was considerably controlling.
Indeed, Fiona is an extremely controlling and explosive person. She becomes aggressively upset over the most ridiculous situations; she once styled my hair for me before going out and went ballistic when I brushed it through when she had finished (I hate my hair going crispy from hairspray). The evening was pretty much ruined and she sulked all night and refused to speak to me at all for 2 hours. She also frequently tells me that she's only my friend because she "needs a female friend". She fell out with her last group of friends during a holiday during which she allegedly threw a chair at another girl during an argument (she denies this) and then flew home alone. I have a thousand more incidents which I could mention but I appreciate that this is become an extremely long post!
well done for sticking through it
In the week preceding Fiona's X Factor audition I tried to 'psyche' myself up to leave the house. I rationalised that I'd have to go and that it would be good for me to try and conquer my anxieties. However, the closer we got to the day of the audition the more worried I became. I couldn't function properly as all. My mum told me that she did not think I was in a fit state to go at all. I messaged Fiona and said that I was having some reservations; I was worried about the large crowd sizes and having to stay in a hotel room over night if she got through the first round. I didn't say that I wasn't going, just that I was concerned. She got very angry and replied with a message saying that I aa terrible person and friend and that I'd left her to face it all alone (even though she had planned to go alone for months). I apologised endlessly and told her that I was just in a really bad place and that I should never have said yes in the first place. She ignored all future messages but I sent her one on the day of the audition conveying support and luck, etc.
Fast forward a week and she posts an angry facebook status about "bitchy backstabbing" friends. Turns out she had become very angry with our close mutual friend Hannah because she was still speaking to me following the audition. Hannah said that it was nothing to do with her although she did agree that it was annoying of me to have ditched her like that.
I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with her immature way of dealing with things. She refuses to see things from the other side of the coin and whilst I agree that what I did was wrong I do not think it has warranted this type of reaction. AIBU to not want to maintain this friendship? This is just the cherry on the cake of a long list of things.
"She's lovely sometimes. She blows completely hot and cold. It's very strange. Myself and our other friend try and put up with her when she's in a "bad" mood because she's been ditched by a lot of her other friends and we know she has some good points"
Hi giraffacake. Actually, it's not that strange, her behaviour, it's actually pretty clichéd. There's many a thread on here where the OP is in an abusive relationship; where the partner will treat the OP like shit most of the time but keep them confused enough to stick with them by being really nice once in a while. You are in an abusive friendship. Fiona is an abuser. A real friend would be supporting you through your anxiety and depression, not using it against you. "A week before the X Factor audition Fiona persistently and repeatedly rang my parents house (up to 4 times in an hour) so as to "encourage" me to get out of the house." Encourage? My arse! She was haranguing you. And I agree with MammaTJ - she's probably pissed, calling like that at that time of night.
I think you need to accept that her 'good points' are an illusion, they do not exist. She's a user and a taker, and the best thing you could do with her is to tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when she gets there, to fuck off some more.
She sounds pathologically selfish and her behaviour sounds quite unhinged to me. If you are going through a rough time and your self esteem is low maybe you feel you need all the friends you can get but you don't need friends like this. Do yourself a favour, step back and ask if you would behave like this to a friend who had been going through what you have. No. Now walk away and draw a line.
I would like to know what exactly are her 'good points'?
You shouldn't have said you would go with her unless you were certain you actually would. Otherwise you've done nothing wrong and she sounds like she needs to be jettisoned.
Quite frankly, without knowing the whole story
in spite of the epic op I would say she is more part of your problems than a part of any solution. Ringing and demanding you go to see her consistantly at 10 pm implies that she is ringing you drunk.
She is a total attention seeking drama queen and you do not need her in your life.
This is the norm in your teens though and will improve in years to come. Stick with those who understand loyalty.
giraffa - These juvenile disputes happen between teenage girls. We have all been there.
These days will pass and one day you & friends will start having real problems. That is when you will see what a real friend is.
Until then, try not to sweat the small stuff.
Sounds like it's for the best if she doesn't want to be your 'friend' any more.
Cos I have to tell you that she doesn't sound like she's ever been an actual friend.
YANBU, except for the part where you apologised to her. You're trying to get through a tough situation with your anxiety, you do not need to feel obliged to do anything other than get well. If she cares so little about your health to fly off the handle in such an extreme way then I would be finding new friends if I were you.
Fiona sounds like an emotionally vampiric bitch who needs to be the centre of everyone's world. Don't feed her attention-seeking behaviour, you're actually doing her a favour if you encourage her to grow up and don't let her get away with being such a brat.
As a side point, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go to an x factor audition, even if my best friend in the world was trying out. Don't feel bad for not going!
If you are recovering from anxiety and depression you need gentle loving people in your life. Not her.
Actually, if you are not recovering from anxiety and depression you need loving gentle people in your life. Not her.
She will only do you harm, please reconsider having any future 'friendship' with her.
Ditch her permanently, she sounds like a total drama llama, no wonder she has no other female friends. It's her choice to go to the audition, I don't know why she feels the need to make out like it's a huge life changing thing that she needs moral support for, I bet loads of people go alone.
Get rid. U have enough stress in ur life without having to deal with her shit. U will feel a weight has been lifted off ur shoulders I promise
Leave her to it and hope she gets through to bootcamp then you can sell your story on what a cunt she is.
Yanbu. She sounds pretty awful to be honest and surprised you've put up with it for so long!
You're not obliged to be friends with her.
So how did she get on with the auditions?
Did she get through?
You don't really need to ask, do you?
She isn't a friend and you don't need her in your life right now.
Concentrate on getting well, sorting your own life out and stick with friends who understand what friendship is.
She's lovely sometimes. She blows completely hot and cold. It's very strange. Myself and our other friend try and put up with her when she's in a "bad" mood because she's been ditched by a lot of her other friends and we know she has some good points
It all sounds very childish, sorry.
It doesn't seem like Fiona adds very much to your life and as such you would be better off with your friends who you have a better connection with.
You don't need her in your life. She his not helping your anxiety one little bit.
YANBU to not maintain the friendship.
I'm only 19 (and childless) but I like Mumsnet and the advice it offers!
I have only one question..why are you friends with this person? If how she appears according to your post far outweighs her good points then I'd allow this friendship to dissolve.
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