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to feel just so jealous of my friends with good babies?!

(55 Posts)
inneedofsomehelpplz Mon 06-May-13 12:42:44

my 12 week old daughter means the world to me BUT jeez she is hard work - wont sleep anywhere but on me & wants to held all day - takes 3 hours every night to put to bed. my friends are always telling me how their children play/nap alone & sleep through the night..... what i would give to go for a wee & brush my teeth right now but she is fast asleep on me. i dread taking her out as she hates her car seat/pram/sling & just wants to be at home. its such a lovely day but my other children are stuck indoors cause i dont want to see my baby distressed by taking her out.

so aibu by wishing i had an easier baby?! but on the plus side ive bern told hard work babies are easy toddlers?

inneedofsomehelpplz Mon 06-May-13 16:56:41

thanx for all the advice guys - i have a bouncy chair - hates it; a swing - hates it, three slings - hates them all; a play gym -hates it & will not take a dummy or a bottle.

my other children are 2, 5 & 12. all easy peasy babies....

i am not putting her to bed three hours too early as it doesnt matter what time she goes to bed, she will fight it. she was co-sleeping but is now in a cot that is attached to my bed.

i should be back at work (need the money) but as she wont settle and take a bottle (was going to express) have had to take another month off.

just fed up of reading about how perfect my friends babies are whilst mine can actlike the devils sporn lol.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 06-May-13 17:05:42

I second the reflux theory. She sounds like mine was, and I feel your pain!
GTod only knows how you are coping with that and 3 other kids!
Ds hated sleep, and fought and fought it, only slept on me etc. Until he could roll onto his tummy, and suddenly could sleep. Some babies, especially reflux ones, HATE being on their back.
I did find that for daytime naps, and on the advice of the doctor, I sort of propped him on his side with a blanket in his moses basket, and that helped.
It will get better though, hang in there.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 06-May-13 17:06:56

Oh, and try Gaviscon!

nancerama Mon 06-May-13 17:27:29

Oh OP, you are having such a tough time. The early days with a new baby are so difficult, but with 3 other children you know that already. It really sounds like reflux to me too. Try to get a GP appointment tomorrow or sometime soon to get the ball rolling and investigate this more. They will be able to prescribe infant Gaviscon (and they can try other things in a couple of weeks if that doesn't help).

Try to track down a cranial osteopath too - it's possible that your baby has some discomfort somewhere that needs fixing. Friends with babies that were clingy and tearful have reported dramatic improvements after just one visit.

Is there anyone who can come and help you for a few days? Grandparents or aunties? It sounds like you and your DCs all need some TLC.

C999875 Mon 06-May-13 18:01:39

It's very easy for people to make out that their children sleep from 8 till 8 and make out that they never cry, but you only live with your own child and the reality is you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. xxx

loofet Mon 06-May-13 18:04:47

Ahh I really do empathise with you 100%, I was in your position until 2 months ago. DD was 7 months when she finally grew out of being like this and I really was exhausted. You feel like you can't do anything because all they do is SCREAM and its so distressing not knowing what to do for them. I honestly got to a really low point where I just locked myself in the bathroom, wanted to hide from everything!

I WISH I had some advice for you, I really really do. I googled when my DD was like this and absolutely nothing came up other than 'just continue what you're doing and they will grow out of it' and even some infuriating comments like 'make the most of them wanting to sit with you, eventually they won't want to!' which made me want to headbutt a wall. It's horrific in ways because they really do rule your life.

Honestly, I just had to push through it and it was probably the toughest thing i've ever done. My DS had colic as a baby and screamed for the first three months, that was nothing compared to DD2, i'd take colic all day long. Seven months it took... And now she is like a completely different baby. So much more relaxed. I think but don't hold me to this, that weaning her helped enormously. I'm not saying you should wean obviously! And your DD might stop sooner than that but it might give you some kind of 'goal' for you to have in mind.

Sorry, that turned into a slight ramble blush But I just sympathise so much and I wish I could offer more advice other than 'it gets better'.

Also with regards to babywearing- it isn't practical to use the sling all of the time because A) it isn't safe to cook with the sling on B) its harder to bend down to do things like cleaning and C) it generally makes things more difficult- even going to the loo. It also defeats the object of being able to put them down so you can do basic tasks such as eat! So I wouldn't say thats an option for 24/7 use tbh.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Mon 06-May-13 18:09:37

Is it that she will only sleep on you or is it that she wakes up when u put her on her back? Have you tried a more propped up position ?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Mon 06-May-13 18:11:20

If its the back position that's the problem then she could have tummy trouble or reflux. They hate being on their backs.

Goldmandra Mon 06-May-13 18:13:42

OP I had one like yours. She was my first baby and I felt incredibly inadequate when people told me to just give her a dummy and put her down. I tried anything and everything to get her to settle off me and I did sometimes, in desperation, leave her to cry in the hope that she would give up and go quiet. She never did.

I couldn't just put her down and get on with things I wanted to do because I was already leaving her to cry while I did things I needed to do such as using the toilet, having a wash, pegging washing out, etc.

I would see the GP to find out about Gaviscon if I were you. I had no idea about reflux when DD1 was a baby so I didn't ever try it.

DH was working away or commuting four hours a day at the time so I was pretty much on my own. I don't know how I would have coped with a toddler too.

I don't have anything to suggest I'm afraid. It got better as she got older, especially once she could get herself around but that's a while away for you.

All I can say is try to remember to enjoy her too.

RandomMess Mon 06-May-13 18:13:51

I'd try cranial osteopathy too, won't harm and I've seen it work wonders on "miserable" babies.

Xmasbaby11 Mon 06-May-13 18:17:38

Hi Op. Sorry you're having a hard time. YANBU - it's totally normal to want life to be a bit easier, and of course you want your baby to be happy. You are a lovely mother.

I don't really have any advice - seems like you're getting lots anyway - but just wanted to say it's normal to need to have a bit of a moan and it doesn't mean you're not a good mum.

queenofthepirates Mon 06-May-13 18:24:00

I had a perfect baby, slept loads and everywhere, ate everything and smiled at everyone.

I now have a whingy, yoghurt coated toddler who slaps me at every opportunity yet is clinging to my leg at every opportunity, screaming as i put her down.

Your time will come....

nancerama Mon 06-May-13 18:28:52

And have a chat with your Health Visitor and ask for a Homestart referral. I think you could do with an extra pair of hands to help you out.

Cravingdairy Mon 06-May-13 18:29:47

She'll get easier and will probably be very secure and independent when she's a bit bigger because you are meeting her needs. Other mums lie sometimes!

ohcluttergotme Mon 06-May-13 18:31:29

Completely sympathise with you OP. my ds now 3.5 was a complete screamer for the first few months. Hated the car & used to scream driving his sister to school & back every time. I used to put him in his Moses basket & Hoover, it completely shut him up! I used to feel so sorry for dd as he screamed & screamed. I used to just take him out in pram & put my I-pod on & not look & before I knew it he'd stopped! My Gp recommended Gina Ford at my 6 week check but didn't buy it til he was 12 weeks. Bought it, followed it & my boy transformed! I actually think cause I wasn't feeding him right & the poor wee mite was hungry on all those first school runs!
I had tried to do what I was told & let him feed on demand but what he needed was consistency & routine & proper feeds at set times. Since following her book he has & still does sleep 11 hours every night. He's flipping crazy tho, wondering when he turns into good child!!
Good luck xx

ZolaBuddleia Mon 06-May-13 18:32:24

My DD was an absolutely horrendous baby, and I really envied my friends whose babies just blinked dozily round the room. However, their toddlers are horrors and mine is a biddable charmer so I have my revenge!! grin

StillStuck Mon 06-May-13 18:34:23

feel for you, but it doesn't sound too bad, just maybe not as bad as your friends babies (and they may be making it sound easier than it really is)

ds at that age took hours to get to sleep then slept for 40 minutes max, before waking, day or night (just to make you see it could be worse!)

also, he was a very hard work baby but he is a dreamy toddler, never tantrums and settles at night without any issues and sleeps through the night and generally is a little hero. so things might swing round your way smile

Tailtwister Mon 06-May-13 18:34:25

12 weeks is still tiny. Also, take what your friends say with a HUGE pinch of salt. I'm not saying they are lying, but I bet a fair number of them are bending the truth.

ChunkyChicken Mon 06-May-13 18:55:35

Was going to suggest a cranial osteopath, but see someone beat me to it!!

Also my DS (now 25wo) hated his car seat, would cry constantly as soon as I put him in unless we were on the move. It was hell at roundabouts, junctions, lights etc etc. He's fine now. Your DD may grow out of it too.

I would also suggest that perhaps you choose a sling that is most comfortable for you, if baby doesn't like any of them, & just get on with things. If she's going to cry pretty much whatever you do, you might as well be able to function as a mum to your other DC, as much as that's hard for you to do.

Finally, some Mums find it easier to embellish/boast about their DC. I'm quite honest & end up feeling at times that my easy, content, good-sleeping DC are difficult compared to other's little angels. Unless you're there 24/7, you can't know the truth.

weisswusrt Mon 06-May-13 20:27:47

What kind of dummy OP? I found that only cherry would satisfy my babies need to suck.....and, could you rub it on a milky nipple for that extra 'real' feel? Also, we used to have to pre warm our babies moses sheets in bed with us and quickly shove then in still warm. I also swaddled. Xx

ballroompink Mon 06-May-13 20:42:27

Definitely agree with those saying about reflux - I have a friend whose baby was exactly the same as yours and that's what the problem was. Once she was on solids she was a different baby (obviously that's not an option for you just yet. My DS was similar in many ways at that age - wouldn't nap in his basket or cot, screamed in the pushchair, breastfed constantly, hated being put down. I used to feel miffed when people acted horrified when I said he didn't go down for naps. It did get better as he got older!

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 06-May-13 20:52:06

Also, if it helps, the pediatrician I saw at the time said "ah, well, intelligent children are always difficult babies" grin
I am sure she was just trying to make me feel better, but fast forward a few years, and (ahem) he IS very very bright.
<don't care if I am boasting, I earned it!>

MamaBear17 Mon 06-May-13 21:01:17

I had a challenging, colicky baby. I couldnt put her down, not even for a minute. She is a delightful toddler though. Bright, chatty, funny and lovely. I also 'let' my baby dictate what we did and how we did it. She screamed when I put her down, so I didnt. She needed me to lay with her for an hour before she would fall asleep, so I did. I followed her lead and guess what? No harm done. When she was old enough we did sleep training which helped alot, but not before she was old enough. I suppose the difference is she was my first so it was easier for me. However, I still think following the babies lead is the right thing to do. They are only little for a short while and they cant actually tell you what is wrong so the only thing you can do it cuddle. Try a different sling, my dd really settled when we found the right sling. xx

maddening Mon 06-May-13 21:05:45

12 weeks also is a growth spurt too so she may have upped her neediness.

Also try the pantley pull off technique - just google it - her no cry sleep solution book is designed for older than 4mths but the ppo can bw tries at any age. Even if you get her to fall asleep off the breast but still on you it might be a start?

honeytea Mon 06-May-13 21:07:15

Will the baby settle with your other children holding her? (the older ones) They might just have to hold her so you can cook lunch, do the washing, shower.

We use a sheep skin in the pram and ds loves it, he became much happier when we changed him to the sitting part of the pram, he especially likes having naked legs/arms so he has skin touching the sheep skin.

YANBU to be jellous, but things will change smile

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