To not want my friend to get married in the same month as me?

[Sal77]

I got engaged in Feb 2012 and am due to marry May 2014. My best friend (we met when we were 6!) has been having a pretty crazy on-off relationship with an Ecuadorian (she's from the UK) for the last 7 or so years. As far as I was aware, things were very much off (she had said she could not face moving to Ecuador as her parents were ill). Last night she calls me up to tell me things are on again (sigh). He seems like an okay guy (I have only met him once in 7 years!) but the drama of it all is wearing.

Anyway, so she's said she's going to quit her job once and for all and move out there, and then he said he'll propose after six months if things are going well and they'll get married after that. She wants to get married in the UK and the next time she'll be returning to the UK is for my wedding, so she has said she wants to get married then too, within a month of my wedding. I can foresee this being stressful especially as she wants me to be maid of honour and the wedding will be a 2-hour drive from me. I imagine she'll need me to help out with the co-ordination/booking of things because she'll be in Ecuador beforehand. It seems terribly impractical.

I'm worried that this is going to be super stressful. I have had to accept that she won't be helping me out with my wedding at all or even attending my hen which is a shame but to have an additional wedding to deal with... I'm not sure I'll manage two and I'm worried it'll detract from the enjoyment of my own. It also means that OH and I can't honeymoon after the wedding because presumably I'll be needed to help out (and I can't go on honeymoon if she's planning to have her wedding then either).

AIBU? WWYD?

[HollyBerryBush]

If it's on-off, on-off 2014 is a long way away!

[HarrySnotter]

Tell her she can get married when she wants but that you will be unable to assist in her plans at that time because of your own wedding. She'd be totally unreasonable to expect you to take on her wedding and not go on honeymoon just because she is getting married.

[PregnantPain]

Well tell her you probably can't do it. She can suck it up. Don't sacrifice your honeymoon for a wedding that might not even happen

[Sal77]

I agree! I hope the on-off-ness delays the wedding a bit but she's actually quitting her job this time and he has transferred her the money to buy tickets so I fear that she is taking the plunge once and for all... :|

[TakingTheStairs]

You are worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. By the sounds of their relationship the chances of them getting engaged are slim, and even if they do, she hasn't asked you to help, you're just expecting her to ask.

So take a step back, relax , and deal with it IF it happens. No point stressing about it now.

[janey68]

You are completely unreasonable to want to dictate when anyone else gets married. But as others have said, you don't have to get involved, help out or forego your honeymoon for it. IF it happens, anyway...
I would attend if the wedding actually comes off, but not do any extras.

[HollyBerryBush]

I am a genius!

Organise her wedding for a week before yours, then go to Equador on your honeymoon!!!

brilliant!

[MimiSunshine]

Chances are it won't happen, but if it does, no matter how long you've been friends you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
Why would you have to do the coordination for her just because she'd be abroad?
Just say no, you can't organise two weddings. And help out where you can. And book your honeymoon for when you want to go, she can surely book her wedding 3 weeks after yours

[poocatcherchampion]

I'd say remember I'll be on honeymoon for 2 weeks after and pretty tied up before hand but other than that I'll do what I can to help.

[Sal77]

I think you're right, I need to make it clear that help from me will be very limited because I'll already have a lot on my plate. I guess if I'm being brutally honest I do rather resent getting embroiled in her drama. I avoid drama where at all possible whereas she seems to live in a whirlwind of it...

[IHateSafeStyle]

Then you need to tell her that you will be on honeymoon and won't be able to attend until x date. With the arrangements, why would she expect you to be more involved than she is?

[HollyBerryBush]

The wonderful thing about drama queens is the ability to sit back and laugh at them - provided you aren't being sucked in to their little situations.

So you need some deft manouvering here, OP, to keep well out of it.

[PeppermintCreamsSaga]

Just say, I'm very sorry, but I can't help at all between {2 months before wedding and 1 month after} I'm very happy to look at venues etc before then or tie up loose ends after.

Blame your husband/new MIL if you have to and say they are putting their foot down.

[alienbanana]

Yep,tell her you'll be on your honeymoon

Don't get sucked into the stress of planning her wedding, you'll ruin your own!

[PeppermintCreamsSaga]

HollyBerryBush is also very right.

[ZenNudist]

I don't think you make a big deal of it & tell her you won't support her. It may not happen do no point in alienating her.

If she mentions it again just tell her nicely: you'd love to be able to help, what a shame you'll be too busy doing your own wedding organisation.

Also suggest she get married 2 or 3 weeks after you depending on when your honeymoon is as you'd hate to miss her wedding.

I'd also only agree to be BM if asked if she realises that you aren't going to be able to help. Not all BMs do. You seem to accept she can't help you, it should be fine the other way around, right?

Finally it might be nice to suggest a shared hen do. It's selfless & it saved everyone's money if you have shared taste & shared friends. Plus it could be a fun gimmick! 2 hens, twice the fun!

[Sal77]

Thank you for all the advice. If I do have to broach it then I need to be able to do so in the knowledge that I'm not being unreasonable. I wouldn't ask her to move her wedding but I think it's fair to say I won't be available to help out 2 or 3 months before and a month after but will do my best to attend assuming I'm not on honeymoon!

[Sal77]

I'd be happy to have a shared hen but as she'll be coming over to the UK probably a night or two before my wedding the hen will have to be afterwards (which would be a bit weird for me lol).

[maddening]

are they actually engaged yet?

[CloudsAndTrees]

YABU and bridezilla to worry about this now.

You won't need her help anyway, and if she needs yours you don't have to do anything you can't reasonably manage.

One of my close friends ended up getting married a week before me. She had been having a long distance relationship too and for various reasons it had to be that week, and it was wonderful. It's nice to share significant life events with people you are close to. Weddings are a celebration of your relationship on one day, they are not a reason for a whole month to be dedicated to you.

[MarjorieAntrobus]

It's in two years time and her wedding might not even happen!

You organise your stuff. You have control over that. Book honeymoon etc.

Don't try to predict what she might or might not do, what she might or might not expect of you, and don't fgs think you need to forgo your honeymoon.

Her wedding arrangements sound hypothetical. Yours are concrete.

[FarBetterNow]

After leaving together in Ecuador they may split anyway.

Re her wedding arrangements: she could always pay a wedding planner.
Don't get drawn into it all.
It could end up very stressful if you book services for her and then she cancels.
Also she may blame you if the flowers aren't quite the right colour etc.

She can organise it herself from Ecuador now that with live in the age of email.

[DoJo]

YWBU to martyr yourself for a wedding that might not even happen, but even if it does, it probably won't be all about you as you seem to be expecting. Why are you so sure that you will a) need her help b) be needed to help her and c) not be able to go on your honeymoon? Have you actually discussed any of this with her?