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To be upset and not really know where to go with friendship after this?

(63 Posts)
DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:20:58

We spent a lovely day yesterday with a family I would consider to be probably our closest friends and some other families. Had a great time and as usual the DC's got on like a house on fire.

This morning I had a text from close mate "This is a a bit awkward but every time the kids play together I find nits the next day. Don't want to rude/nasty but thought I should let you know.".

Spent the best part of an hour combing DD's hair this morning and no sign of anything - she hasn't had nits since before Christmas either, and the kids see each other every couple of weeks.

Tbh I was shaking when I got the text and have been in tears on and off all day. DH thinks I'm completely overreacting. I don't doubt there was no vindictiveness behind it and i don't want to lose a friendship over it, but still feel it's a reflection on DD and me and know it will be on my mind every time I see them now.

Am not sure whether to just leave it, or to phone and have a chat tomorrow to try and clear the air. I think the way it was worded and the fact it was via text didn't help and I am a bit hormonal atm so guess that's not helping.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 05-May-13 22:44:37

You are over reacting. Text back with what willowslip said.

LondonNinja Sun 05-May-13 22:44:39

Try not to be upset. I think the 'every time' part of the text is somewhat rude though...

Just be as matter of fact back to her: "That's very odd but my DC hasn't had nits and definitely doesn't have any now. I'll also keep an eye in case she's caught them from your DC - thanks for the warning."


BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sun 05-May-13 22:44:44

Was the text addressed to Dum or could she have sent the same message all the parents?

redskyatnight Sun 05-May-13 22:47:05

Did she send the text to all the families you were out with I wonder? (or did she specifically name your DD?)

Either way, I think you are totally overreacting. How would you have managed the situation if you'd been in her position? I have lots of lovely friends whose DC have had nits - in some cases they hadn't noticed, in others they'd treated and not kept combing - it's no reflection on you.

AgnesBligg Sun 05-May-13 22:47:09

Op I would be very fed up with the text. Not shaking perhaps, but fairly enraged. Cheeky cow.

I would reply with any of the nice and breezy suggestions above, then wait till my indignation had subsided a bit and resumed my friendship after a while. Please don't be upset though, honestly.

hellymelly Sun 05-May-13 22:47:31

Takes at least five days for lice to hatch, so if she found more than one or two lice the it wouldn't have come from you anyway, she probably doesn't know anything about lice-life cycles. I agree with other posters, in that she needs to know you are not the source. I think she has been thinking your children are passing on lice for a while, has wanted to say something, is now annoyed at yet more lice so has been rather insensitive. Let her know you have checked and that you check weekly with a nitty gritty comb, tell her that if there are more than a couple of lice then the infestation is around a week old at least. It works like this- Day1- louse crawls on, lays eggs.
Day 5-ish First baby lice hatch, they need to grow for about a week before they can lay eggs.
day 10-12 -lice are now adult and can breed and lay eggs., cycle continues.
So a headful of lice, or many eggs, takes a while.
Oh and comb your dcs in case they have a louse or two from her lot.

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 22:48:07

I think her text was really unpleasant; a bit accusational and making out that your children are infested with nits.

Bugsylugs Sun 05-May-13 22:48:15

I thought it ready really nasty think willows reply is great.

Odd anyway if they had got them from you children only 1 or 2 would have 'jumped' over so she probably would not see them they would lay eggs if mature a day later if not upto 14 days later these would not hatch for 7-10 days and not mature for another 14 days. So too soon really after contact for them to be visible to mum especially if more than 1 child affected and by multiple nits. They got them from elsewhere

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 22:48:49

I like LondonNinja's suggestion

Bugsylugs Sun 05-May-13 22:49:23

Xposted with helly

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:49:43

So general consensus is IAB a bit U, which is fair enough.

There have been other little things building up today on top and it's time of the month, hence the tearfulness - it's just a bit of a raw nerve which has been jangling away since I got the text (that wasn't the exact words btw, but words very much to that effect).

Have tried to arrange get togethers with the kids a few times lately and she's been a bit vague so am now wondering if that's why. Also feel it's a bit of a massive assumption to make without ever asking if I'd noticed if my DD had any first - particularly since there were several other kids there yesterday and it's far more likely that any of the DC's wouldst pick them up from the hundreds of children they are at school with.

I just replied (this morning, not just now) that we were clear and hadn't had any for months and hope she got it sorted asap. She's probably feeling as awkward about it as me, so will leave well alone but make bloody sure I check DD's hair and put it in tight plaits every time we see them in future!

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 22:49:57

grin at 'I'll also keep an eye in case she's caught them from your DC - thanks for the warning."'

I like it.

Xales Sun 05-May-13 22:51:15

Were there more kids than yours and hers? That sounds like an OMG warning that someone infected my kid so check yours too. Not yours have passed them to mine.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 22:51:49

I agree she could have worded it as a question rather than a statement, but maybe she's overthought it and it's come out in a way she was desperately trying to avoid?

AgnesBligg Sun 05-May-13 22:52:01

Fuzzpig thanks for the Vosene tip. That's great news.

Just to add OP my kids and my friends' kids, went through an appalling nit cycle. Mine had them, they had them, then I had to comb friend's hair, then she had to do mine. We spent an entire DAY together going through each others hair, we were like fricking grooming gorilla mammas. It's not a biggy.

AcrylicPlexiglass Sun 05-May-13 22:53:23

I think you should text back what williowisp said too. I would be slightly upset to be called on something like this by text by a close friend too as would prefer it was mentioned face to face. But she almost certainly meant nothing by it and nits whilst utterly annoying are no shame at all. Everyone gets them at some stage, some children repeatedly.

ivanapoo Sun 05-May-13 22:56:26

It's bloody nits (or not as it happens), nothing to get upset about.

Nits like clean hair anyway don't they? You should be proud she thinks your kids have them ;)

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:58:16

I'm glad others have confirmed the life cycle thing as I work with small children and did a big display about nit checking a while back and thought it was a bit hmm .

I won't use chemicals to get rid of nits as DD and I both suffer from excema and it's a pita to get rid of them with a comb so I really try and keep on top of it re checking and have tea tree oil in all our shampoos and conditioners which seems to help.

DD is going through puberty on the early side - nits is just one more thing I could really do without worrying about, especially if it may affect one of her closest friendships, hence the oversensitivity blush .

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:59:32

BTW the text was specific to my DD...

fuzzpig Sun 05-May-13 23:08:59

That does seem very odd that she is specifying your DD if there are loads of other children around hmm

Agree it sounds like an uncleared infestation rather than a new one each time. I wonder if she realises about repeated combing, as well as washing all bedclothes etc. You have to be really thorough.

Sympathies with the eczema issues, my DS is the same so it's an extra reason I am very paranoid vigilant around lice issues. That and the fact that my hair is ridiculously thick so if I get them it is a complete nightmare. Thankfully DS (nearly 4) has never had them.

Does anyone else's head automatically start itching when they read about nits though grin

mrspaddy Sun 05-May-13 23:15:58

I actually think the text was nasty and she shouldn't have sent it implying that your child was the culprit and secondly that you neglected to do anything about it. I would be sensitive about things like that too. I think the lighthearted texts already mentioned here would be the best way to deal with it. Don't bring it up again unless she does then say that you would preferred her to bring it up in conversation rather than a text.

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 23:18:31

fuzzpig you have my sympathies - I also have thick, curly hair and DD has shared her nits with me previously - nightmare!

polishthisturd Sun 05-May-13 23:54:00

I cannot use chemicals on my head either due to eczema. Could it be that she knows you cant use them and assumes your method to be less effective, and so shes put the blame on you IFSWIM? (Although regular combing is great for detecting them and keeping them away, and Vosene contains coal tar which will soothe your eczema!)

Do let us know how she responds. I think her text sounds exasperated at finding nits again and she probably wants to find someone to lay the blame on! It should be HER DD with the tight plaits!!!

DumSpiroSpero Mon 06-May-13 00:04:31

could it be that she knows you cant use them and assumes your method to be less effective

I suspect there may be an element of that, but also think Agent Zigzag madw a good point that she's overthought the wording of the text and it came out a bit wrong.

We've been friends for a long time and I'm sure she didn't mean it to cacross the way it did - I'll just struggle to put it to the back of my mind tbh.

Her reply was just 'Glad your DD hasn't got them' - no 'oops must've got it wrong, sorry' which makes me a bit hmm. Can't help wondering if she thinks I'm either lying or in denial about my pfb having nits!

badinage Mon 06-May-13 00:23:02

It always baffles me why people ever think a text is a suitable medium for what is a fairly sensitive message.

It's cowardly.

A phone conversation (or considering this is something that's been brewing for a while) a face to face, would have been much better and wouldn't have left you wondering and worrying all day.

Seeing her facial expression and hearing her tone of voice would have made this message much easier to receive and respond to.

But then again, you texted back. <<bangs heads together>>

Speak to her, before this all gets out of hand.

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