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To think my friends are actually pretty insensitive?

(31 Posts)
TacticalWheelbarrow Sun 05-May-13 21:30:40

My Dad's funeral was little over a month ago, he died very suddenly. He had HIV and didnt know, but he died of pneumonia but the infection killed him because of HIV.

A friend from university of DH and I is in the area for the bank holiday, he is round this evening with his fiancé (who I've only met briefly once before). We had a BBQ and they are having a few drinks with DH, I can't because I am pregnant.

The kids are in bed so we decided to put on a film, DH turned the Xbox on and gave it to our friend and his fiancé to choose something on Netflix or love film while he and I do some washing up.

DH comes back into the living room and friend's fiancé says "oh look xxx it's Philadelphia, that's that film that you keep getting me to watch we should watch it." My friend replies "well yeah we could" and then they ask DH who hasn't watched it either who says yes because he likes TOM Hanks is loads of other films.

I get called in when movie is put on and sit down and realise what we are watching. It's a film about a man in a law firm who has HIV and eventually dies from this. DH doesn't realise what happens at the end, but my friend does because he has watched it. He knows what has happened with my dad because I was telling him about it over the phone and got quite upset today while he was here when I was talking about the funeral.

Now I'm sitting here on the ipad trying not to pay much attention to the film because I know it will upset me and feel sorry for DH because he is going to be horrified he agreed to watch it when he realises what happens. I'm a bit upset that my friend has been really thoughtless.

quoteunquote Sun 05-May-13 21:32:55

Just say, "lets watch something else", don't put yourself through this.

SantanaLopez Sun 05-May-13 21:33:24

If he is really a good friend I think he hasn't quite put 2 and 2 together yet.

Tell them you'd rather not watch it. Don't sit and stew.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 05-May-13 21:34:17

Sorry for your loss. YANBU, that is insensitive. Why not suggest they turn it off. I'm sure they wouldn't want you upset.

MrsMeg Sun 05-May-13 21:35:17

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I think that some people just don't see the obvious.

Do you have reason to think they would do this on purpose? I'm sure if you said something about it, they would be horrified sad

TacticalWheelbarrow Sun 05-May-13 21:37:46

I don't want to be that person that people feel they need to tip toe around, iyswim? I know after time I will be fine talking about it and watching things like this but right now I can't face it. I will ask them to turn it off because I know I can't watch so etching like this now. I do feel bad because friend's fiancé wanted to watch it and seems to be enjoying it. I think DH has clocked on as he looks v.uncomfortable.

lovesmileandlaugh Sun 05-May-13 21:37:47

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar loss, a close family member died unexpectedly due to complications of undiagnosed HIV. I think it is a thoughtless choice, but maybe you also needed to point it out too. If you want to PM me, you are more than welcome! Sending best wishes.

YoniOrNotYoni Sun 05-May-13 21:39:01

Seriously, speak up, you're not being unreasonable. "oh dear, I've just remembered what this is about. Can you choose something else please?"

TacticalWheelbarrow Sun 05-May-13 21:39:09

mrsmeg that's the problem I don't want them to feel horrified. He is a good friend and I'm worried he might avoid us from the embarrassment, if he genuinely hasn't thought.

YoniOrNotYoni Sun 05-May-13 21:41:38

They'll all be feeling uncomfortable when they catch on. Say something! You're not that person, you're a grieving person.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 21:42:10

I would say the same as Santana, you shouldn't sit there and endure it.

It would be different if you think he's doing it on purpose to make you feel uncomfortable, but if he's just being an airhead you can't really hold it against him.

Can't you motion to your DH (by text?) and get him to do it for you? I'm surprised he's gone along and not said anything actually, does he think this friend be really offended by a change of films?

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 21:42:54

I meant to give you a hug as well, be kind to yourself thanks

EarnestDullard Sun 05-May-13 21:44:08

Sorry for your loss Tactical.

If it hasn't already occurred to your friend that the choice of film is insensitive, he'll probably be embarrassed when he realises. But he'll feel that way whether you're there or not, so could you excuse yourself on the grounds of being tired or something, then at least you don't have to sit through the film if it's upsetting for you?

CognitiveOverload Sun 05-May-13 21:45:10

Just say this is what the films about. ..and I sont want to watch it. Perhaps they didnt mean to be insensitive. People can be accidentally thoughtless. Sorry for your loss.

CSIJanner Sun 05-May-13 21:46:13

Netflick? Is that run through the Internet? If so, is there anyway to kill the Internet connection for a mo so that if your friend really hasn't realised, it gives everyone a get out clause.

V sorry for your loss.

TacticalWheelbarrow Sun 05-May-13 21:46:30

They have turned it off now, I feel really awkwArd though sad

TacticalWheelbarrow Sun 05-May-13 21:47:14

Thank you everyone for your kind words x

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 21:48:44

Did your DH turn it off?

Well done CSIs DH if he did.

NoSquirrels Sun 05-May-13 21:49:22

Don't feel awkward. Suggest you'd prefer a comedy, or something. Go and put the kettle on for everyone while they get over the difficult moment. It's really, really OK. I'm sorry for your loss.

WilsonFrickett Sun 05-May-13 21:49:45

I am so sorry for your loss.

My friend lost her mum through suicide years ago. Her first 'night out' after it was a quiet night at mine with some videos and wine. I picked an indie Scottish fim about the central character's mother dying. I didn't even think and I was mortified.

Please just stand up and say 'you know what guys, this is a wee bit close to home' switch it off and see what's on Comedy Central. Please. They've unwittingly made a bad choice and I bet they're squirming now.


littleballerina Sun 05-May-13 21:50:09

tactical sad sorry for your loss.

did they realise?

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 21:50:28

Why do you think you feel awkward?

Just stick another film on, are there any films you like in particular?

pictish Sun 05-May-13 21:50:48

She probably didn't make the connection OP. x

littleballerina Sun 05-May-13 21:52:39

my friend gave me a book to read on suicide whilst my dad was sectioned after trying himself.

i gave it back and had to explain why it had offended me (she knew and was trying to be 'helpful').

TacticalWheelbarrow Sun 05-May-13 22:08:05

I said that I was really sorry but could we turn it off because I felt it was a bit too soon to watch something like this. I explained it to friend's fiancé and she got a bit cross with my friend for not telling her and how she felt like such a dick. i told her not to worry and it was probably just my pregnancy hormones. She is making me a cup of tea and DH and friend are going to choose something else smile

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