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AIBU to expect my ex to pay child support - he thinks he shouldn't need to

(57 Posts)
glitternanny Sun 05-May-13 19:50:37

Does anyone have experience of ex partners arguing over maintenance

Yesterday my ex informed me he couldn't afford to pay maintenance (£140pm) - and wants it scrapped/reduced. He's spoken to the CAB and they've told him that he doesn't need to pay anything, and a court would agree with him. I told him to let me know what he thought was reasonable amount but that I would be speaking to the CAB and getting legal advice.

He then posted on FB that he needed some advice - whether to be an arsehole or not - not quite sure what his decision is.

He pays me £140 a month on maintenance - and another £360 in money he owed me (cant transfer to his name) He's due to pay me on Friday when he gets paid. This is the amount the CSA says i should have given the amount of nights he has him.

Our access at the moment relates to his shifts - he works 4 nights, has our LB 2 nights normally - he has 2 more days off and then works 4 days and has him 3 nights. When he has overtime (2/3/4 a month) I have our LB instead - can be anything upto 2 extra days depend on whether its an extra night or an extra day

I need to try and speak to CAB on Tuesday and child options I think my friend suggested and maybe a solicitor if I need to sad

any thoughts/suggestions welcome

;( I can cope with no maintenance until september when my hours change then I'm screwed and if he decides to pay me nothing then I'll probably have to either rent out or sell my flat and move sad

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 08-May-13 19:27:58

I think with 50-50 it very much matters whose responsibility things like school costs are or childcare or with a baby stuff like prams.

I know a nrp who claims he's 50/50 but in reality his ex funds everything is even expected to provide food whilst at dads, he works any child related things around his work but mum needs to work her work around the children its very subtle differences that do matter.

needaholidaynow Wed 08-May-13 12:58:00

MsInga That is the same with my DP and his ex. They have DSD 50/50, so share the costs of bringing her up. Nobody is doing more than the other. They both have a house to run and all that comes with that, plus everything DSD needs such as clothes, school dinners, uniform, and any thing else big they share the costs for. It's not just his ex that foots the bill at all.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 08-May-13 12:50:12

bill it can work out unfair for NRP, the same as it can for the RP. I guess it would cost too much for them to look at individual cases in tiny detail.

I'm in a better financial position than exh so I take less maintenance than I would get if it were to go through the CSA. I know that if I didn't my ex couldn't afford to do some of the 1-1 things he does with ds2, which he really enjoys.

Some people will say he shouldn't have had another dc if it means he can't do the things with ds2 without me dropping the maintenance but I don't see it that way.

We don't have a 50/50 arrangement though

MsIngaFewmarbles Wed 08-May-13 12:43:04

Sorry I posted too soon.

The situation seems to work well for everyone, DSD is happy with 2 homes. When she was younger and DH was the NRP he paid maintenance, it was never an issue.

MsIngaFewmarbles Wed 08-May-13 12:40:13

We have 50/50 residency for DSD. She does have a complete set of clothes, toys etc in both homes but it's no biggie if something goes to the other home unless it ends up with both at one home and none at the other eg school shoes IYSWIM.

Nobody pays any maintenance as we have equal costs. I would imagine our financial situations are similar, although DH probably earns a bit more than his ex, we have 4 DC at our house whereas it's just DSD and her mum there.

BillMasen Wed 08-May-13 12:29:35

Agreed catherine, that's too much and makes no sense in the real world. And I take moomins point about inequality of living standards too.

I suppose it's just this assumption that no matter what I as a NRP pays for or buys, there is always going to be more paid to the RP. Even if the standard of living is unequally biased (not in my favour I add)

1Catherine1 Wed 08-May-13 12:01:10

Your situation is very contrived. Given your situation, where you have managed a perfect balance with no RP/NRP situation, then I agree no child maintenance should be paid. However, this would only stand true where both parents did an equal share of buying the boring stuff. The non luxury clothes, as mentioned above - socks, knickers, multipack t-shirts, the real day to day stuff. I love my DH, but I know it wouldn't occur to him to buy these.

I suppose a situation could occur (my aunt and her ex-husband were that petty they actually did this), where the child could have 2 completely separate lives that never interact - where both houses had equally dedicated rooms and complete set of clothes (boring stuff and all), and the children were not to take either from the other. The set of clothes they arrived in would be the same one they would leave in when they went to the other house. The boys (my cousins) had 2 x-boxes (it was a while back) and a copy of their favourite game at both houses. This all came about due to their DF refusing to pay child maintenance. Personally, I thought it was a ridiculous set up. But hey - No RP/NRP. Kids hated it too, especially when they got a new game at dad's but had to wait for mum to get it or wait 3/4 days to play it again.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 08-May-13 11:20:53

Well that depends, if you were never married and not entitled to maintenance yourself and the dc spend half the week living in a 4 bed detached house in a nice area and the other half in a 2 bed flat in a not so nice area then maybe extra child support should be paid.

BillMasen Wed 08-May-13 10:59:26

moomins that would be a separate debate about whether maintenance is due to the parent. Not about what is needed for the children.

That's a whole new thread....

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 08-May-13 10:57:11

It's a tricky one I guess, if everything is split 50/50 (which would be difficult) what happens if one parent is earning less, is this because they stayed at home with the dc when they were younger, did this hinder their progression at work? Is the other person doing well because they didn't have to worry about childcare as there was a sahp around.

BillMasen Wed 08-May-13 10:41:11

catherine thanks. Not so much a disagreement, more a clarification smile. Say neither parent was working for a while, care was exactly 50:50 and kids were not at school. I don't see what costs the RP has that the NRP does not.

From my pov it looks like its all semantics around there being technically a NRP.

Please don't take this as a whine about paying for kids, it's not. It's a small whine about the starting assumption that NRPs (dads) need to be forced to pay RPs (mums).

1Catherine1 Wed 08-May-13 10:30:45

BillMasen - I think it all depends on the circumstances. For instance, if my DH and I were to split (Which we are not considering but just for example). I would expect him to take our DD 50:50 of the time. He simply loves her to pieces but works shifts so would take her in a similar fashion as the OP has described.

I've thought much about your question, and wrote a very long detailed answer - then decided it was far too personal so have simplified it. IMO as long as the child has a main home and a second home, then there are some things the RP will pay for and the NRP won't even think about. Days the child is off sick for one - it will be the RP who ends up losing a days pay, in preference to the NRP. Clothing essentials, rather than luxuries is another. So child maintenance should be paid - some months the NRP will overpay, and other months the NRP will underpay but eventually it should even out. Feel free to disagree with me, politely of course.

If it could be balanced so a child has no main home or second home, and two RP (albeit in different homes) and no NRP, then no child maintenance should be paid, but I struggle to see how that would work though.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 08-May-13 09:43:10

I guess at least if he does stop paying you you can take car/ mobile Internet back (cancel the Internet as soon as you can!)

I did the same, took out a loan for a car. I got stuck with the car in the end, can't even drive and it sold for a lot less than I took out

glitternanny Wed 08-May-13 09:37:38

yes everything is in my name idiot tho his car is too and he's been told if he stops paying me ill take the car

he can't get finance

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 08-May-13 09:24:28

fab do we have the same ex grin mine just goes SE or gets jobs paying cash in hand if the csa catch up with him.

I've had less than two years payment since we split up when ds was 4, he's 18 now. In the end I just had to let it go, it was causing me too much anger and resentment.

Op I'd see if you can get something in writing. What exactly is he paying you for? You mention car, mobile Internet and loan? Are all these things in your name?

BillMasen Wed 08-May-13 09:11:49

Just a quick enquiry. Does everyone feel its fair that there are still payments due even though care is 50:50 (and all associated costs like food, clothes etc are also split)? I'm in a similar position (however paying the CSA calculated amount with no argument at all). It just feels a touch inequitable.

StuntGirl Wed 08-May-13 08:03:49

Go to CSA.

1Catherine1 Wed 08-May-13 06:55:09

I think he's about to try and swindle you out of that money owed too. Depending on what the total amount of that remaining debt is, I would be seeking legal advice soon.

Perhaps he should try to get a loan to pay you back, would be less than ideal for him but he could spread the cost over a longer period of time and you would be 100% paid back.

glitternanny Tue 07-May-13 21:33:08

I spoke to them - I am entitled to something - he has to have our boy for 176+ nights a month for it to qualify as shared care - and yes they'd still ask for a token amount.

Cut a long story short I'm entitled for £117 a month - so less than I was getting but much better than nothing at all.

So i emailed him that and he said 'that's fine' am sure he wasn't expecting to get an extra £23 a month - not gonna make that much difference to him really

He's since asked for a list of other bills he's paying me for - my answer was 'nothing else has changed' which is true - his car, his share of the loan, his mobile/internet etc. Dunno what he wanted that for....

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 06-May-13 16:59:53


Even with a 50:50 the csa will still normally make a assessment. Its just the usual assessment with the largest contact deduction taken out.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Mon 06-May-13 15:15:52


Ignore all else. He's a prat.

mummyddoll Mon 06-May-13 15:04:33

Hi sorry always just lurked but felt i should comment as going through a similar thing unfortunately I have been going thru csa for 7 years & as ex dp was self employed & lied through his teeth regularly he managed to mess me & csa around all those years however th csa has recently been taken over by dept work & pensions & all of a sudden I hv regular payments all so far so good smileI would def contact csa let them deal with it & make sure you have proof of debts he is paying as he could use proof of bank transfer but say it was for cs,been here also! good luck grin

TheRealFellatio Mon 06-May-13 14:52:26

am no expert on htese things but as far as I can tell from what you've said so far, he has pretty much 50:50 care so I guess the CSA are telling him he does not need to pay you money for the child's keep if you both keep him equally?

fabinacab Mon 06-May-13 14:47:53

Yes the debt is still there even when they finish education.he will always owe it.the latest calculation I had on his earnings was £63 a week for our 3 kids, but he gets £80 discount for her three. Its disgusting , but like my mum said , I didnt get much from him when we were married so nothings changed.his priorities will always be alcohol, drugs and other women. I pity his wife in a way, but then as a long standing friend of ours she knew what she was getting into.

1Catherine1 Mon 06-May-13 14:29:41

Then Fabinacab, he has to live with being officially a complete arsehole. I wonder if he intends to do this forever? What a life to live... "I will never have anything or work an honest day in my life just to avoid paying a penny to my ex".. There are many words to describe men like him, I'm sure you've used most of them.

Out of curiosity, when you child/children grow up and he hasn't paid you this money, does he still owe it to you ans will the CSA still try to take it?

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