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To wish I could just tell her to leave him?

(10 Posts)
AnneNonimous Sun 05-May-13 19:18:33

My best friend of 10 years got married 2 years ago to her DP she has a child with. They had their DC and married quite young. When they met she seemed so happy I was thrilled for her because she really deserves the best.

While she was pregnant with her DC (now 2yo) her partner cheated on her twice and told her. She seemed to get past it and they went on to get married. Since then I have grown to dislike him quite a lot, but I know as her best friend I will probably feel like nobody is ever good enough for her so I could be overreacting.

Since they have married he has almost strayed again (that she found out about) with a friend of both of theirs. My friend discovered texts from him to her saying his wife had let herself go and considering sleeping with this other woman. My friend is bigger than she was before having her DC but it suits her and she is nowhere near overweight. This obviously hurt her and she cut the friend off but stayed with him.

He makes comments about what she's eating infront of other people and it makes me very uncomfortable. He has never watched his DC alone, she does all the childcare and waits at home for him to come back from work then he usually goes off to do something else leaving her again.

I am always hesitant in situations like these to offer anything more than a shoulder to cry on and sympathetic conversation. But now my friend has told me how unhappy she is, that she feels like a single mum and he doesn't seem to care. Now I'm wondering if its ever appropriate so say 'actually, this isn't ok and you need to sort it out or leave him' or whether you should always stay impartial so things aren't awkward if they stay together?

I love my friend with all my heart and it really hurts to think she's unhappy and he is treating her this way. WWYD in this situation?

OwlinaTree Sun 05-May-13 19:23:16

NEVER tell someone to leave their partner. She will not thank you for it. All you can do is support her and hope she comes to -- her senses-- realise things have to change.

Good luck, you are being a good friend

OwlinaTree Sun 05-May-13 19:23:52

her senses

OwlinaTree Sun 05-May-13 19:24:04

Doh

HollyBerryBush Sun 05-May-13 19:25:16

I'd do nothing for fear of him isolating her from you.

Open ears, and non judgemental if you want to remain in her life.

AnneNonimous Sun 05-May-13 19:39:21

I thought as much. It's so difficult sitting back and watching him destroy the person she was.

andubelievedthat Sun 05-May-13 19:49:30

Don"t want to be "negative " but isn"t your friend also in some part responsible for her misfortune ? as in ,he was a known cheat ,he told her ,she married him, and he is cheating again,and without wishing to sound ohso cynical ,I expect now having dc, she is in a "bad" place? Re him >, "leopards and spots " seems applicable.

AnneNonimous Sun 05-May-13 21:19:15

andubelievedthat I can see how some people may think that but i think if you're pregnant, in love and vulnerable perhaps you could become a bit blinded. I also don't really understand your point - should she put up with it because she's put up with it so far? Or as her friend I should say 'you've made your bed now lie in it' ?

Maggie111 Sun 05-May-13 22:19:44

Scum. I could forgive my husband for having an affair I think, but I would never do it if he bitched about me to another woman. As if he wasn't being disrespectful enough already!

I'm so sorry to watch your friend go through it. Try not to sympathise with her about men too much, show her through example that you don't need to put up with crap to get love. That to be a good mother you don't need to be in an unhealthy relationship.

UnrequitedSkink Sun 05-May-13 22:23:27

I think in your shoes I would cautiously say - 'you know, if you wanted to leave him no-one would blame you'... and see what she says. The fact that she's told you she's unhappy could be because she's seeking approval to make the break.

(Or send her to the relationships board, they'll have her out of there faster than you can say 'leave the bastard'.)

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