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To never speak to my family ever again?

(123 Posts)
squeegee Sun 05-May-13 15:37:59

Longtime user, new name. This will be long, and I'm still mad as hell so I apologise in advance if it's a bit all over the place.

Today is my fathers birthday and the whole family got together for lunch at my sisters house - DH, me, our DC (DTS5, DD1(3), DD2(9mths) and DH nephew (4), whom we have custody of) Stepmother, who has been around for ever and is like blood, her mother and sister, Dbro, Dsis, their partners and children and of course dad.

Everything is going well, everybody is enjoying themselves when Stepmum asks Dh and I if we would do a supermarket run. I was nervous about leaving DS2 as he has recently been diagnosed with selective mutism and will not speak to almost anybody outside our immediate family, but knowing that he does speak a tiny amount to DF and DS1 is more than happy to speak in his place to other people we leave him with my family.

Worst idea ever.

Dsis is one of those people who can't keep their mouths shut on any subject they have an opinion on and must shout it to the world. Despite having SM explained to her multiple times, maintains her belief that DS1 is rude and manipulative and in need of a good smack.

From what I've pieced together from Dbro and DTS, DS2 was thirsty so DS1 asked DSis, being her house, if they could have something to drink. DSIS tells DS1 that he can have a drink but that if DS2 wanted one he would need to stop being rude and ask her himself. DS1 tells DSis that he can't ask her and asks again if they can both have something to drink. DSis marches into the kitchen gives DS1 a drink and tells her to go play with her DS as DS2 was in time out for being rude and would have to sit next to her into he apologised.

DH and I get back about ten minutes after this, to find Dsis and Step aunt( who is a exact copy of Dsis and they feed off one another) in the kitchen with DS2, who is completely hysterical. I went and picked up DS and asked sis what happened and she said that DS was misbehaving, being a stuck up brat, refusing to speak to her or her DC, hurting their feelings as they heard him talk to my DC but not them ect.
I, as patiently as I could given the situation, once again explained to them what selective mutism is and how DS physically cannot speak to her DC.
By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him angry
I was so mad I could of punched her, and would of if the entire family, including both our DC, wasn't listening by now.

Instead I just wished my DF a happy birthday and Dh and I started to pack the kids into the car. This is when Step mum and her mother come out and start going on about how it isn't fair to make the other DC leave because DS1 was misbehaving, ignoring how by now they are ALL upset and crying, and how we needed to teach him manners as it was rude to have DS1 ask for things for him and not to thank his host.Blah. Than they said something about my parenting skills, and in a not so proud and graceful moment I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly ( They have form for picking on my nephew for stupid, petty and sometimes mean reasons. God knows why as he is as kind,humble and polite as a 4 year old can get)

And then to top off the afternoon, while driving home DF calls me up to scold me for speaking to my stepmother like that when all she was trying to do was help. Yeah, strange way of helping.

All my children are still upset about the situation, DTS are still sobbing (DS1 is a sympathy crier) and I still just want to punch my sister and aunt in the face.

So given the situation, WIBU to never ever speak to my family again? What should I do from here.

Tanith Mon 06-May-13 14:31:02

There's an update from the little girl and her twin sister on Torey Hayden's website. Thankfully, she recovered from the breakdown, but I'm not sure she ever did learn to read.
The only positive I could see at the time was that the evil hag who bullied her was about to retire and couldn't damage any other child with her spite. They had brain scans that showed the poor child was brain-damaged but no, she knew best angry

You're unlikely to change your family's attitude, Op sad

Squitten Mon 06-May-13 14:20:48

Absolutely vicious women, the pair or them.

I think it would be actiely irresponsible to allow your poor son to be exposed to that kind of bullying and abuse by his own family.

I hope they're all ok soon

CheerfulYank Mon 06-May-13 14:08:02

Tanith I remember trembling with actual rage when I read that Hayden book. Poor little girl.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 06-May-13 13:44:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania Mon 06-May-13 13:11:09

I am shock with my mouth on the floor.what nasty txc people, no wonder you ds won't speak to such nasty scary people. I would not not have anything to do with any of them, your little family comes first

DeafLeopard Mon 06-May-13 13:01:44

I am so angry for you.

What horrible mean bullies, your poor DS.

Tanith Mon 06-May-13 12:56:35

I am partially deaf. It never ceases to amaze me how personally some people take this, as though my inability to hear them clearly is somehow entirely my own choice and an insult to them.

I agree that you were got out of the way while they tried to "cure" your DS and, when he wouldn't play ball (being unable to do a thing about his disability), they became angrier and angrier with him.

Many years ago, I read a book by Torey Hayden in which she describes a 7 year old child brain-damaged by abuse and, as a result, unable to read because she couldn't recognise symbols or letters. Her teacher had decided she was just being stubborn and bullied her into a nervous breakdown trying to force her to read when she couldn't do it.

Hidden disabilities seem to bring out the worst in some people.
You don't want to expose your child to them for his own safety and well-being.

inneedofrain Mon 06-May-13 12:40:33

Ok have now read the whole thread

Just one point I miss read your op which is perfectly clear but I was fuming at those nasty people so please insert step aunt where I have put sm

Secondly please accept my appologise if anyone thought I ment sm as secretive mutism I meant it as step mum only and would not want my post to be miss interpreted

cumfy Mon 06-May-13 12:31:20

I'm very much in agreement that their behaviour is horrible.

But I'm rather wondering whether they have an ulterior financial motive by deliberately angering you ?

Oh yes please squeegee do cut us right out, your choice, not ours. Bye Bye.

It just all seems a bit too blatant; doesn't taste right.

inneedofrain Mon 06-May-13 12:20:12

Sorry not read the whole thread yet!

Just wanted to say two things

One is you sound like a great Mum as a random person on the internet I know it doesn´t mean anything but you should be proud as punch about your kids. well done to DS1 for trying to explain to hostile adults about his brothers condition.

Two is by all means cut them out (I would never speak to them again) if they spoke to my perfectly normally chatty kids that way. Let alone them punishing a child for something that is beyond their controll which vile, and abusive, as for calling them an arsehole, I think that the only people deserving of that title are your Sis and SM!

But where was your dad when this was going on? Why did he not define your children? yes your sis and sm where 1000% out of line but I would not be impressed with any adult that didn´t interven under those circumstances!

LibertineLover Mon 06-May-13 12:15:44

Jesus.H. Christ.

OP you did remarkably well to not punch her square in the jaw for saying that to your poor DS.

Anything short of a full apology and a promise to never push that situation again, would be no good to me.

Tabliope Mon 06-May-13 12:02:54

I actually gasped when I read the bit about your DS being called an asshole. I don't understand the condition and have only come across it once. I would never have made that little boy feel uncomfortable. It's no one's place to question how parents handle that situation. To be honest if I'd heard that I would have got DH to get the kids to the car then I would have gone for that bitch. Punches would have been thrown. Sod the moral high ground after some bitch saying that about my kid and torturing him like that. Like the poster before said it's over rated at times. I'm really angry for you. Unless you dad acknowledges that they could all fuck off as far as I'm concerned.

lisianthus Mon 06-May-13 11:58:00

YANBU. I was enraged just reading what happened. I would have been incandescent had this happened to my child. I'm on the "you would be unreasonable to continue contact" bench.

May I say though, you did your son a HUGE favour in showing him absolutely clearly that you are there for him and will fight his corner, rather than teying to be "polite" and "tactful". The high moral ground can be a bit overrated sometimes. I suspect that in years to come, this part of it will be a warm memory of his mother's love for him. Well done you.

stopmovingthefurniture Mon 06-May-13 11:48:42

You can't have contact with anyone who abuses your children. You have tried explaining and they have rejected the explanation. Nor can they respect your wishes. And it's very nasty to grab the chance to inflict their 'discipline' the moment your back is turned. Perhaps when the children are older things will be different. But no, I think you would be letting your kids down to have contact with things as they are.

Mia4 Mon 06-May-13 09:54:28

YASNBU, cut them off OP. They sound like a stress and heartache for all of your family. I'd second sending your dad a letter, as long as you know he'll get to read it and the manipulative gits won't intercept.

If you do end up going to any family events, make it clear those two are abusive and you will not be allowing any of your children near them.

weisswusrt Mon 06-May-13 09:16:44

I dont even know how you can type such a calm op, i'd be quivering with unbridled rage! Delete these people from your lives and minds. Dont validate their behaviour with apologies or contact.

diddl Mon 06-May-13 08:27:53

So where was your father whilst his GC were being bullied??

And sending you to the shop-wtaf was that about?

So that they could "cure" your son whilst you weren't there??!!

Arrogant twats, all of them.

I wouldn't bother with any of them any more, father included.

Minifingers Mon 06-May-13 08:06:40

Should add, it's terrible how dense people can be about sn in children. My own mum still tries to force my autistic son to make eye contact when he's talking to her, despite me explaining that is is uncomfortable for him and hinders (because he can't read facial expressions easily) rather than helps him to understand what she means. :-(

Minifingers Mon 06-May-13 08:02:55

In your shoes I would find a clear, well written and not too complicated piece of info on selective mutism from an NHS website and print it out. I'd send a copy to each of your relatives saying that they need to understand your child's condition before you are happy to expose him to their company again, as their behaviour towards him at your dads party was traumatising for him. I'd be polite. I'd also add that you're available to talk if they have any questions about selective mutism or if they'd just like to apologise..... grin

MidniteScribbler Mon 06-May-13 04:05:03

Good god, I'm surprised you restrained yourself. Who calls a five year old an arsehole, for any reason??? I'm fuming on your behalf. I taught a little boy with SM a couple of years ago and considered myself privileged that he would speak with me by the end of the year, albeit only when we were working alone. He used to do his reading to my dog (who thought it was wonderful that she got to come to class everyday!).

I really think that anyone that could treat a child like that, and say things like that is not someone you want around your child, ever. And your DS needs to know that it's ok not to speak. Terrifying him will only make things harder, and he'll certainly never be able to relax enough to interact when he's around them. For the good of your son, cut all contact.

KeatsiePie Mon 06-May-13 03:29:13

Good grief! That is such a horrible, horrible way to treat a little boy. Your DSis and StepAunt sound like really nasty people. I'm so sorry, what an awful experience for him, and for you too.

I think I'd write an email, as everyone has said, to your DF and SM saying simply that you are not sure whether they know what happened, but this is what happened [insert brief unemotional explanation that 1, Dsis used DS1's disability to frighten and punish him in your absence and 2, when you returned and intervened DSis and StepAunt verbally abused abused him and then you]. Then just say that you have no interest in exposing any of your children to that kind of behavior and therefore you won't be able to see DSis or StepAunt in the foreseeable future. If you like, you can add that you would hope to see DF and SM again if they are able to respect DS1's disability. Either way I would close by saying you wrote to ensure that DF and SM are aware of what happened, but you have no interest in discussing the matter further.

Good for you for getting the hell out of there before anyone had the chance to escalate to behavior that would have upset the children even more. Not that I can imagine this getting much worse, but, again, glad you left!

DizzyZebra Mon 06-May-13 02:02:25

Well I think you were restrained, I'd have punched the poisonous bitch twins in the mouth.

Morloth Mon 06-May-13 01:44:53

I would be done with them.

You did astonishingly well to nit get physical.

They all get one text/email saying you do not wish to speak with/contact them again and then remove them from your lives.

No one speaks to my kids like that. Ever.

cumfy Mon 06-May-13 01:14:44

Do they want DF's money ?

greenformica Sun 05-May-13 21:39:59

text your DAD and Sis. Say that calling your son a selective arse-hole is unacceptable and that SIL showed no understanding of your sons condition by dealing so heavy handed with it. Also MIL was not supporting you, only attacking you - after which you FIL then had a go at me.

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