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To never speak to my family ever again?

(123 Posts)
squeegee Sun 05-May-13 15:37:59

Longtime user, new name. This will be long, and I'm still mad as hell so I apologise in advance if it's a bit all over the place.

Today is my fathers birthday and the whole family got together for lunch at my sisters house - DH, me, our DC (DTS5, DD1(3), DD2(9mths) and DH nephew (4), whom we have custody of) Stepmother, who has been around for ever and is like blood, her mother and sister, Dbro, Dsis, their partners and children and of course dad.

Everything is going well, everybody is enjoying themselves when Stepmum asks Dh and I if we would do a supermarket run. I was nervous about leaving DS2 as he has recently been diagnosed with selective mutism and will not speak to almost anybody outside our immediate family, but knowing that he does speak a tiny amount to DF and DS1 is more than happy to speak in his place to other people we leave him with my family.

Worst idea ever.

Dsis is one of those people who can't keep their mouths shut on any subject they have an opinion on and must shout it to the world. Despite having SM explained to her multiple times, maintains her belief that DS1 is rude and manipulative and in need of a good smack.

From what I've pieced together from Dbro and DTS, DS2 was thirsty so DS1 asked DSis, being her house, if they could have something to drink. DSIS tells DS1 that he can have a drink but that if DS2 wanted one he would need to stop being rude and ask her himself. DS1 tells DSis that he can't ask her and asks again if they can both have something to drink. DSis marches into the kitchen gives DS1 a drink and tells her to go play with her DS as DS2 was in time out for being rude and would have to sit next to her into he apologised.

DH and I get back about ten minutes after this, to find Dsis and Step aunt( who is a exact copy of Dsis and they feed off one another) in the kitchen with DS2, who is completely hysterical. I went and picked up DS and asked sis what happened and she said that DS was misbehaving, being a stuck up brat, refusing to speak to her or her DC, hurting their feelings as they heard him talk to my DC but not them ect.
I, as patiently as I could given the situation, once again explained to them what selective mutism is and how DS physically cannot speak to her DC.
By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him angry
I was so mad I could of punched her, and would of if the entire family, including both our DC, wasn't listening by now.

Instead I just wished my DF a happy birthday and Dh and I started to pack the kids into the car. This is when Step mum and her mother come out and start going on about how it isn't fair to make the other DC leave because DS1 was misbehaving, ignoring how by now they are ALL upset and crying, and how we needed to teach him manners as it was rude to have DS1 ask for things for him and not to thank his host.Blah. Than they said something about my parenting skills, and in a not so proud and graceful moment I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly ( They have form for picking on my nephew for stupid, petty and sometimes mean reasons. God knows why as he is as kind,humble and polite as a 4 year old can get)

And then to top off the afternoon, while driving home DF calls me up to scold me for speaking to my stepmother like that when all she was trying to do was help. Yeah, strange way of helping.

All my children are still upset about the situation, DTS are still sobbing (DS1 is a sympathy crier) and I still just want to punch my sister and aunt in the face.

So given the situation, WIBU to never ever speak to my family again? What should I do from here.

squalorvictoria Sun 05-May-13 16:25:29

What a disgusting, unforgivable way to treat a very anxious little boy. YANBU.

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 16:31:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickledginger Sun 05-May-13 16:32:03

Horrible people. I would definitely write off your Dsis and step aunt. That behaviour was just vile. As for the rest of them, when you're calm in a few days, speak to your father and step mother and tell them exactly what happened and what was said. I doubt that they volunteered what they called your DS or why they were angry with your DS2. I wouldn't let your DC out of your sight at that house again. Although not involved, your father and step mother didn't step in, even though they know your sister has an ongoing problem with your DS1.

microserf Sun 05-May-13 16:35:41

I certainly wouldn't bother attending any family events with step aunt and dsis. They sound vile, absolutely vile.

Harder for your df, especially as he is one of the people your son can speak to? Maybe leave it for some time and then have an adults only meeting to discuss future family events?

I think I would have told them to fuck off too for what it's worth. They behaved abominably, but you will never convince people like that they are in the wrong.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 05-May-13 16:36:12

"I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly"
Sounds absolutely called for to me.

"By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him"
To a five year old? shock

No, I don't think I'd want to ever speak to them again. They sound beyond the pale, and since they're likely to just reinforce each other, there's no chance they'll change. sad

JeanPaget Sun 05-May-13 16:36:27

She spoke to a five year old like that?! Your step aunt sounds like an absolutely foul woman angry

FrickingFedUp Sun 05-May-13 16:36:54

Horrible people. Send them this quote from Wikipedia, any idiot could google it and find it instantly:

"The former name elective mutism indicates a widespread misconception among psychologists that selective mute people choose to be silent in certain situations, while the truth is that they often wish to speak but cannot. To reflect the involuntary nature of this disorder, the name was changed to selective mutism in 1994."

Though actually I agree with previous posters that they are pig ignorant and any attempt to educate them or get them to acknowledge or apologise for their disgusting behaviour would probably be futile. sad

pickledginger Sun 05-May-13 16:37:05

In the short term, link them to this if they try and contact you before you're calm enough to deal with them. I'm sure you've explained it before 100 times, but it's better than saying something in anger that you might regret later. They deserve to be torn to shreds over this verbally, but if you get (justifiably) angry and tell them to go fuck themselves the points you need to make will get lost in the drama.

ChasedByBees Sun 05-May-13 16:38:21

That makes me feel angry for you just reading that. I would write to your father explaining why you won't be speaking to them any time soon - I'd be mad at him for just automatically taking their side without knowing what happened (I'm assuming anyway - if he knew then that's obviously a lot worse).

ruledbyheart Sun 05-May-13 16:39:22

Yanbu how vile of them, very angry on your behalf!!

perplexedpirate Sun 05-May-13 16:39:28

angry What utter shits!
YANBU and I think you did very well not to smack the poisonous bitch right in the chops.
flowers for you and hugs for your DC.

CelticPixie Sun 05-May-13 16:39:31


They should be apologising to you. What kind of horrible old bitch calls a young child an arsehole?

Fairydogmother Sun 05-May-13 16:40:31


I'd never ever have them anywhere near me or my family again. Your poor wee boy - what sort of evil fucker does that to a child? In fact that abuse.

ChasedByBees Sun 05-May-13 16:40:49

I've just read the link from pickled ginger and feel even worse - it's a phobia of speaking and they think punishing him, shouting at him and swearing at him will help?!

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 05-May-13 16:41:28

Wow! Have they always been this vile?

MrsFrederickWentworth Sun 05-May-13 16:49:56

I would be furious.

But, also, I would want to take the moral high ground.

So I would print off a short piece from the internet about selective mutism and would write to your father, saying you were sorry that the day didn't go well at that point but you hope the rest of the day was pleasant for him. and that you are sorry that you swore while protecting your child having walked into this having done a favour. And that while you are sorry to have sworn, in your view to call a small child a selective asshole is far far worse, as it is not only bullying but bullying about disability. Which in the work place would be illegal, if you want to add that. And to a small child.

But that you think that this must be down to some parts of the family not understanding what the issue is. So here are a few copies of one of the many works on it, with more references available.

And you remain his loving dd but he will understand why you choose to remain away whilst happy to see him ( if you are) to protect your son.

And I would take the whole lot of your family out for a lovely day tomorrow to put this beyond you.

pickledginger Sun 05-May-13 16:50:12

It is vile. I'm sure, unfortunately, that there are plenty of posters on here who will have experience of dealing with family who 'don't believe in' autism, serious allergies etc. They might be able to give advice on dealing with your father and step mother.

ChasedByBees Sun 05-May-13 16:50:34

So none of the other adults intervened and in fact defended their behaviour as you were leaving? I think your parting shot was well deserved and I'd never speak to them again.

girlsyearapart Sun 05-May-13 16:51:51

Yanbu in the least!

We thought dd2 had selective mutism as she displayed all the signs of it but now aged almost 5 she appears to be improving.

Lots of people - including my mum- thought she was just being rude & my mum in particular found the whole thing very frustrating.

Those who dealt with it better were those who left her to it & didn't pressure her.

I would have been furious if she was treated like your ds and in the 'selective asshole' comment situation I would almost certainly not have been able to resist punching that person. (Not that that would've been the right thing to do!)

EduCated Sun 05-May-13 16:52:09

What utterly vile shits angry

Awitchwithoutchips Sun 05-May-13 17:03:46

You have shown remarkable restraint! Don't think I would have been able to keep my hands off anyone who had called my 5 yr old an asshole. Has there been history of this type of behaviour from them before? You all sound better off without them.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 17:10:11

I am horrified.

Fuck me, your DS may have the right idea about not wanting to talk to them... I would bloody well struggle to talk to them now.

Flippant, I know, and I apologise if it is in anyway offensive, but my god, who on earth does that to a 5yo?

YANBU. Cut ALL of them out of your life.

MadamFolly Sun 05-May-13 17:15:29




IndigoCat Sun 05-May-13 17:18:58

You are not being unreasonable at all, I was shocked to read how she spoke to your son...

flippinada Sun 05-May-13 17:24:47

YANBU, what vile, vile people. I could actually feel myself getting angry reading that post so being there so can only imagine what it must have been like for you. Your poor DS.

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