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To never speak to my family ever again?

(123 Posts)
squeegee Sun 05-May-13 15:37:59

Longtime user, new name. This will be long, and I'm still mad as hell so I apologise in advance if it's a bit all over the place.

Today is my fathers birthday and the whole family got together for lunch at my sisters house - DH, me, our DC (DTS5, DD1(3), DD2(9mths) and DH nephew (4), whom we have custody of) Stepmother, who has been around for ever and is like blood, her mother and sister, Dbro, Dsis, their partners and children and of course dad.

Everything is going well, everybody is enjoying themselves when Stepmum asks Dh and I if we would do a supermarket run. I was nervous about leaving DS2 as he has recently been diagnosed with selective mutism and will not speak to almost anybody outside our immediate family, but knowing that he does speak a tiny amount to DF and DS1 is more than happy to speak in his place to other people we leave him with my family.

Worst idea ever.

Dsis is one of those people who can't keep their mouths shut on any subject they have an opinion on and must shout it to the world. Despite having SM explained to her multiple times, maintains her belief that DS1 is rude and manipulative and in need of a good smack.

From what I've pieced together from Dbro and DTS, DS2 was thirsty so DS1 asked DSis, being her house, if they could have something to drink. DSIS tells DS1 that he can have a drink but that if DS2 wanted one he would need to stop being rude and ask her himself. DS1 tells DSis that he can't ask her and asks again if they can both have something to drink. DSis marches into the kitchen gives DS1 a drink and tells her to go play with her DS as DS2 was in time out for being rude and would have to sit next to her into he apologised.

DH and I get back about ten minutes after this, to find Dsis and Step aunt( who is a exact copy of Dsis and they feed off one another) in the kitchen with DS2, who is completely hysterical. I went and picked up DS and asked sis what happened and she said that DS was misbehaving, being a stuck up brat, refusing to speak to her or her DC, hurting their feelings as they heard him talk to my DC but not them ect.
I, as patiently as I could given the situation, once again explained to them what selective mutism is and how DS physically cannot speak to her DC.
By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him angry
I was so mad I could of punched her, and would of if the entire family, including both our DC, wasn't listening by now.

Instead I just wished my DF a happy birthday and Dh and I started to pack the kids into the car. This is when Step mum and her mother come out and start going on about how it isn't fair to make the other DC leave because DS1 was misbehaving, ignoring how by now they are ALL upset and crying, and how we needed to teach him manners as it was rude to have DS1 ask for things for him and not to thank his host.Blah. Than they said something about my parenting skills, and in a not so proud and graceful moment I told them to fuck off and look at their own parenting skills before judging mine as it was their grown daughters picking on young children constantly ( They have form for picking on my nephew for stupid, petty and sometimes mean reasons. God knows why as he is as kind,humble and polite as a 4 year old can get)

And then to top off the afternoon, while driving home DF calls me up to scold me for speaking to my stepmother like that when all she was trying to do was help. Yeah, strange way of helping.

All my children are still upset about the situation, DTS are still sobbing (DS1 is a sympathy crier) and I still just want to punch my sister and aunt in the face.

So given the situation, WIBU to never ever speak to my family again? What should I do from here.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 05-May-13 15:40:31

I wouldn't. What utterly horrible, poisonous people.

Your poor DS. I hope he isn't too damaged by this, it can't have helped.

Mintyy Sun 05-May-13 15:41:52

You need to let your father know what this step aunt did and this is why you left the party, because it sounds like he didn't hear it directly himself.

BruthasTortoise Sun 05-May-13 15:43:34

They sound like complete knobs. YANBU but if they apologise you should consider accepting it if only for the fact that you only get one family.

LimitedEditionLady Sun 05-May-13 15:44:20

Id expect an apology to your child and perhaps they should read what selective mutism is as they clearly think that they know everything.they just dont understand but its not a justification for what they did.i know youre mad and i wouldnt forgive my family for that tbh but i also wouldnt want to see a family not together x

TheseFoolishThings Sun 05-May-13 15:44:39

I expect by now she/they have concocted their own version of events. IMO you can't win this one and this kind of thing will happen over and over if you allow it. Withdraw from them - they sound utterly toxic

wannabedomesticgoddess Sun 05-May-13 15:44:41

YANBU. I am angry for you.

What horrible people.

HotCrossPun Sun 05-May-13 15:46:25

That's terrible.

They sound like bullies.

Good on you for sticking up for your son and removing him from the situation. I wouldn't be speaking to them again until they had done some research on your sons condition and made an effort to understand what he goes through.

EasilyBored Sun 05-May-13 15:50:40

She called a small child an asshole?! What vile, horrible people. YANBU!

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 15:52:27

shock at 'By this stage step aunt had knelt down to DS level, put a hand on his shoulder and said 'You're just a selective asshole" right to him' I really am gobsmacked by that!

I would be beyond furious too, YANBU to keep well away from people who treat you and your DC like that.

Don't do anything. Don't answer the phone to them, don't open any emails or texts, refuse to engage. If they can't get hold of you themselves they might try and involve other people, but don't play the game.

And then distance yourself from them in your head, this will take time because you're angry and hurt, but you need to see that just because they're relations doesn't give them license to treat you like shit.

MoominmammasHandbag Sun 05-May-13 15:52:29

Ignorant and nasty people. You are better off without them. My nephew was a selective mute for a long time, it just seems to bring out he bully in a lot of people who should know better. You children will have appreciated that you took them out of the situation and did your best to protect them. Hope they all cheer up soon, poor things.

ovenchips Sun 05-May-13 15:56:10

Yes, I would be beyond upset and angry.

But before you judge them all the same I would be very sure to explain to those not directly witnessing it exactly what happened and the exact wording used. Then decide from there who you don't want to see/ need to deal with.

Hope those not directly involved will support you.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 15:56:19

'I wouldn't be speaking to them again until they had done some research on your sons condition and made an effort to understand what he goes through.'

That would be irrelevant to me, the fact that they think this is a discipline problem and they had the right to take it into their own hands while the OPs back was turned, is enough.

Plus talking to a five year old like that is shameful.

HanShotFirst Sun 05-May-13 16:00:51

Well, I understand you are very very angry - I would be too. I think that you leave it a couple of days, then as calmly as possible (maybe put it in writing) tell your dad what happened. Tell him you all expect a complete, unreserved apology from your sister and step-aunt. Then leave the ball in their court and you can base how you react from their reaction.

Whatever happened, I probably wouldn't be spending much time with them in the future, and I definitely wouldn't be leaving any children on heir own with them as they obviously are not suitable people to have around children in general.

Vatta Sun 05-May-13 16:02:17

I can't imagine you'd want to put your children through something like that again, so yanbu to cut off or severely limit contact.

It sounds like this is a recurrent problem, they've bullied and emotionally abused your nephew and now your son is vulnerable so they're starting on him.

These are not people you need in your life. If you want to preserve a family relationship with them, then make clear they don't get to see your DCs until you trust them to behave better.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 05-May-13 16:03:40

You are currently doing your job, protecting your DC. I don't agree with some PP that an apology will fix anything. Anyone who called DD an asshole to her face in that nasty way would never see her again.

ENormaSnob Sun 05-May-13 16:05:56

You would be unreasonable to continue contact imo.

I wouldn't let the vile cunts anywhere near my dc.

ExcuseTypos Sun 05-May-13 16:07:09

They sound as thick as pig shit.angry

My DNeice has selective mutism. I was just happy that she would stay in my company without her mum. I thought it was an honour that she trusted me. I never ever expected her to speak.

I think your poor son has had an awful experience. He will probably be very relieved if you told him, today that you will never leave him with those relatives again.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 05-May-13 16:09:04

Cut. Them. Out.

That's all.

Poor boy.

MrsDeVere Sun 05-May-13 16:09:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 16:09:55

'You would be unreasonable to continue contact imo.'

That's a good way of seeing it, it makes it more about them than centering on you taking the decision not to have contact, which I'm sure as another poster said they'll spin it all to make out it's you being unreasonable.

milkymocha Sun 05-May-13 16:16:47

Vile behaviour.

minxthemanx Sun 05-May-13 16:17:42

I would have been livid. Take the higher moral ground - write them a letter or email, apologising for swearing at whoever it was, but explaining how desperately hurt and upset you are at the way your child was treated, while you were out doing something to HELP someone. Make it clear in words of one syllable that if they can't be bothered to make allowances for a child with a special need, they won't be seeing much of you. You would prefer to spend your time with people who cherish you and your children.

Assholes. I'm really angry for you.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 05-May-13 16:22:24


I actually gasped reading your post.
Their behaviour is disgraceful.

SofaKing Sun 05-May-13 16:24:22

Never contact them again.

If they can't see what they have done wrong, no amount of explaining is going to make them.

I take my hat off to you, because I would have punched her at the 'asshole' comment without a doubt.

Neither you or your DC will get anything from further contact, so let it go. You have your own happy, supportive family, and don't need these people in your life.

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