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To want kind words and thanks rather than criticism

(55 Posts)
fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:25:53

I do pretty much all the housework and childcare in our house and with our 2 kids. Fair enough in some ways, DH works full time and when he's at home he pitches in.

If I do anything " wrong" then he's having a go at me. I.e. stuff I see as petty or a wee mistake. ( load the dish washer in the wrong order, let some food go past sell by date, not washed a plate properly etc.

This drives me mad as he doesn't notice or say thanks on a regular basis for ALL THE OTHER STUFF I DO all the time day in day out in order to keep the house and kids intact. All the stuff that leaves me no time or energy to do anything afuckingtall else. No thanks , just going off his head for the small things that escape me.

Aaagh, fucking hate this. When did I turn into a house wife.

EntWife Sun 05-May-13 15:28:04

i don't have the answer but i locked myself in the bathroom earlier and cried for the very same reason. i await the combined wisdom of mumsnet to reveal the answer.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 05-May-13 15:30:08

Sarcasm s your friend.

"Gosh really! I was just so busy thinking of my next task and whether I could strap a broom to my arse while walking" hmm

3littlefrogs Sun 05-May-13 15:30:18

You need to go away for a weekend or a few days, leaving him with the dc and everything else domestic to do. Don't shop, cook or otherwise prepare. When you come back see how well he managed. There may well be the odd small thing he missed or didn't do properly.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 05-May-13 15:30:46

This one can be pretty simple to solve.

Do exactly the same back to him. And if that doesn't work within a few days, slowly stop doing the things you do for him.

It sounds petty, and yes you'll have to catch up with everything (but absolutely make sure he helps get everything back on track) but it'll show him exactly what you do, and make him appreciate it.

Until he appreciates everything you do, you'll get no gratitude.

Foodylicious Sun 05-May-13 15:31:34

ooh, this sounds like a horrid place to be! How is he with you in general? does he do this infront of the kids?
Are you able to bring it up one evening? ask him why these things bother him so much and let him know how bad it makes you feel. Tell him you are meant to be frieds and partners first -neither of you is superiour or 'better' than the other one or has the right to belittle the other one.
How is he with your relationships with family/friends? sound quite controlling.
Hugs x

mrsdinklage Sun 05-May-13 15:31:35

You need to adopt the look hmm
If he doesn't like it your way - there is an answer to that grin

DolomitesDonkey Sun 05-May-13 15:32:14

In my experience, men do not like the way we load the dishwasher - yet it's a rare beast indeed who'll take over this responsibility!

CloudsAndTrees Sun 05-May-13 15:32:37

YANBU to not want criticism, but you might be being a bit needy if you expect thanks.

Do you say thank you to him for going to work when the wages hit the account each month?

Widowwanky Sun 05-May-13 15:33:27

Paddington bear stare along with 'If you intend to lead your life through the medium of pettiness , I shall live my through don't give a shit ' and walk away

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 05-May-13 15:33:45

Do what littlefrogs has suggested - minimum of 3 days.

Or else, if you really can't do that, don't say anything, just stop doing anything beyond feeding & bathing the kids (& yourself of course)... let him see what you DO do, and stop seeing what you DON'T do.


MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sun 05-May-13 15:35:09

Wanting someone to say 'Thanks' occasionally is not needy. It's bloody rude to take someone for granted 24/7. Being the wage earner does not give you the right to do that. She's at stay at home MUM not a skivvy.

fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:37:04

Example- just did all shopping ( and planning and soon cooking, making, decirating) for small child's birthday party on own with baby in tow. On loading it into car boot helium balloon kept flying away, so used some of shopping to weigh it down in boot. When I got home and he helped me unload shopping, the balloon had deflated. Apparently I'm stupid for putting the shopping on top if a balloon, it infuriates him because it's a waste of money and an idiotic thing to do. Personally I think it was a mistake, I didn't expect the balloon to deflate and actually not a big deal in the context of doing all the shopping.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 05-May-13 15:38:38

I would think my husband was being a bit needy if he asked me to say thank you to him when he gets in from work.

There are other ways to show appreciation.

If you want thanks, then it should work both ways if both people are contributing somehow.

The problem isn't the lack of thanks, it's the presence of criticism. That is wrong and mean.

3littlefrogs Sun 05-May-13 15:39:50

I don't think the op is expecting thanks all the time, just not to be belittled and criticised for the occasional small omission or mistake, whilst everything else she does, day in day out, is unappreciated.

3littlefrogs Sun 05-May-13 15:40:21

X posted.

Maggie111 Sun 05-May-13 15:40:58

Can't you sit down with him, say you feel unappreciated and stressed that the entire running of the house falls on you and that you want thinkgs to be good for you both but when he is critical it hurts.

Tell him he can only be critical if he positively acknowledges 2 other things you have done!

My friend said she only got her husband to be grateful when she wrote out a list in minute detail of everything she did in the house - from picking up the bathroom towels and emptying the upstairs bins to wiping the kettle and wiping the dogs paws etc... He soon got the message that she was feeling harassed!

fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:42:12

I do actually thank him and compliment him. I think it's nice to tell people when you love and appreciate them. I have told him this many a time. He thinks I want him to patronise me and yes, that I'm being needy, and that's not attractive. So I say, ok if you can't actively be nice then don't be nasty! Stop telling me off for the small stuff.

Anyway. Rant rant. Gah

Foodylicious Sun 05-May-13 15:43:04

Sounds like he has a very high opinion of himself. maybe ask him why he stays if you are so 'stupid'. There is no way he should have you feeling this way.
At all. Ever.
Do not think you want thanks for the little things, but just not to be put down at any opportunity.
This man is seriously not good for your self esteem or your mental health.
He needs a reality check and to sort himself out.
you really need to let him know it is not ok to talk to you this way.

fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:43:51

Yes exactly, can live with the lack of thanks, but can't handle it in the context of criticism.

Viviennemary Sun 05-May-13 15:44:38

He is out of order with the criticism. But I don't know what you expect thanks for. Do you thank him every day for going out to work and earning the money to keep the household going. I think you should both be grateful for each other.

Foodylicious Sun 05-May-13 15:44:42

This stuff aside, do you want to be with him?

Lizzabadger Sun 05-May-13 15:45:53

What widowwanky said

fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:46:23

Yes I do. Generally really very happy and he is brilliant in the main. I just needed a rant. This is just an issue that doesn't go away and gets me down!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 05-May-13 15:47:03

I had the same shouting match discussion with dh this morning. He wanted to go to an excercise class and was asking me were his gym shorts were, i asked him where did you leave them? " In the wash basket" he says'. 'Well theres your answer" i say. "You mean you havent washed them" says he. "No, and i guess neither have you".
It seems as soon as theres a blip i hear about it. But when everythings running smoothly, like it usually does, not a word. And hes not even a prick. Just really thoughtless about this stuff. Im showing him this thread.

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