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To be irrationally annoyed with my PIL?

(50 Posts)
Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 04:33:15

Obviously yes I am. I am concerned and worried too though before people tell me off.

Exactly a year ago PIL went abroad and FIL was very very unwell whilst on holiday. Rushed to intensive care and it was touch and go. Dh and his brother flew out and were out there with MIL for a couple of weeks. FIL was very unwell on the plane home and had to have medical assistance and be accompanied by a dr. He was told he wouldn't be able to go abroad again by plane because of his low oxygen levels.

Fast forward 12 months and they're talking about going abroad again, dr and cleared FIL to fly despite him being unwell twice more since getting home, low blood pressure, low oxygen levels and currently being on antibiotics for a chest infection. We all tell them not to go. They went anyway, last weekend for two weeks to a destination about five hours away. We suggested if they must go abroad that they went on a very short flight or by boat. They have plenty of money so cost is not a problem.

Last night FIL has collapsed again, stopped breathing and been rushed to hospital. Dh and bil are going out again first thing this morning (hence why I'm up because dh has just left to catch flight.) we are all worried and dh is obviously distraught. Why on earth did they go? I know it isn't their fault really but on some irrational level I am quite cross. This makes me sound awful but last year we had to cancel our holiday and this year we have a fertility appointment and then a short holiday both of which will now be cancelled. I am most upset about the fertility appointment of those. I know this makes me a terrible person. Not more upset than I am about FIL but still, yes, upset.

I feel terrible for mil, I know that someone needs to go out for her and that dh and bil need to go anyway to see their dad. I just keep thinking "why? Why did pil go?" I wouldn't have in their circumstances. I know FIL could have been ill in this country but for some reason the flying seems to make him worse and at least if he were here it wouldn't be so difficult for everyone and MIL would be at home with lots of support. Also although the hospital were very good last time (it's the same hospital this time) because their english wasnt 100% and everyone was panicking sometimes it was difficult to work out what was going on.

AIBU for thinking they shouldn't have gone? Particularly as FIL already had the end of a chest infection? I cannot understand why the dr said he was safe to go. We all thought for sure he'd say no.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 05-May-13 17:01:19

I'd be mad as hell too.

I don't think that people have a right to live life as they please, if it means relying on others to bail them out of the shit when it all goes wrong.

Agree that your dh needs to fly back for work and I would also be asking IL's to reimburse the money you have lost in dh travelling - if they can afford the holiday, they can afford to see that you don't lose out financially because they won't take advice.

I'd also be making it clear that next time they are on their own!

whatamardarse Sun 05-May-13 16:35:11

I'd be furious! YANBU they are and selfish too. They knew the risks and it was cushioned with the knowledge that help would rush out to MIL straight away.

IF they pull this again I would get DH to categorically state that he will not be rushing to rescue MIL again,she will be on her own.

I had to miss my first fertility appointment through DH being unwell and I was heart broken so I understand, I also hope for the grace if god DH work won't suffer. DH should tell Dm what what could be at loss through this trip.

glenthebattleostrich Sun 05-May-13 16:31:54

YANBU, if she was so desperate for a holiday then she could go an a bloody cruise or somewhere in the UK. My DGM is very ill and needs oxygen 24 hours per day. She loved travelling abroad and, before she was taken ill, had planned to go away this year. She's now going to Wales instead.

Sorry, but if I was your DH I would be checking they are OK, then flying back for the appointment and meeting. After all, will your PIL be paying the mortgage if he did end up being made redundant?

AllSWornOut Sun 05-May-13 16:23:42

I agree with what wibbly said, and I would be pushing to see exactly what the doctor said too. If he said go then I would suggest there would be grounds for complaint based on FIL's medical history, of which the doctor is presumably aware, and if he didn't actually give permission to fly then I would be using that as a basis on which to have discussion with PIL about what support they can reasonably expect from their sons next time (as it sounds like there probably will be...)

Mutley77 Sun 05-May-13 13:55:51

YANBU - I think the situation sounds ridiculous.

Although I think your DH and BIL have a bit to answer for as why are they both rushing around after them - if MIL and FIL have made the decision to go, they need to cope with the consequences. I also don't see why it involves both DH and BIL going together - couldn't they go one at a time depending on how long they are needed for?

Also, I think your DH's work meeting is really the key issue here. Of course he needs to be at the meeting and tbh if I were his boss I would take a really dim view - there has not been a bereavement and therefore he does not "need" to be there - the MIL will have to cope with the FIL by herself - they are not dependents of your DH. I assume he is taking this as annual leave but he is lucky that his boss has signed it off.

I also think it is important that your DH is there for your appointment and weekend away but not as crucial as a work commitment if (as I am assuming) you are reliant on his job for your financial stability as a family. If I were you I would go to the fertility appointment by yourself - I know it is difficult emotionally but you are likely to get the same result by going on your own.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 05-May-13 13:12:18

Sorry, and another question. What will they do if Drs now say FIL can't fly? Is it possible to drive back from their destination? Who's going to be doing that trip? It's going to be your DH and his brother again, isn't it?

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 05-May-13 13:09:49

What a horrible situation for all concerned. I'm sorry you're in this position.

I have a question. Did the Dr really clear your FIL to fly? As in, did you hear these words or see a letter? As it seems that FIL has been very ill with a condition exacerbated by flying, and it seems surprising that a Dr would say flying was ok. Similarly, did he inform the airline he was flying with that he'd had previous problems? Having worked for a large airline, even those passengers who are cleared to fly with oxygen often have to have additional checks. I'd bet anything that he has pretended he's better than he is (seen it countless times, as well as the resulting medical emergency returns to stand with an ambulance on standby).

I hope your ILs have valid health insurance too - as his pre existing condition would have meant be was either uninsurable or had huge premiums to pay - though you said money wasn't an issue so maybe this is irrelevant.

Ultimately, I think your ILs have been extremely selfish and I feel sorry for your DH and his brother that they're in this position - and that you've been affectd by this as a knock on effect. It must be particularly galling that it's ruined not one, but two of your own holidays.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 05-May-13 12:41:29

YANBU at all.
They are grown adults, why is your DH going out there when you both have so many important things going on in your own lives?
He needs to put your own priorities first.

Nanny0gg Sun 05-May-13 12:33:02

What Hissy said.

cocolepew Sun 05-May-13 11:50:51

They are being incredibly selfish.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 11:48:57

Of course, all of the above relies on the fact that your H has the strength to stand up for himself, his family and call his parents out on ridiculous behaviour. With parents like that? That kind of self confidence may be impossible.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 11:47:25

I think that seeing as FIL is stable, that your DH and his brother ought to make the point of flying back.

If they keep shoving everything in their life to one side, everytime their parents do something that they were warned by DH/BIL NOT to do, then when are the ILs going to learn?

I agree that knowing the boys will help at the drop of just about everyfuckingthing, they decided to suit themselves and piss off to the same place he got sick the last time.

Of course you CAN technically go to the fertility meeting yourself. But why on earth SHOULD you?

The ILs knew there was a risk attached to flying, but went anyway.

I think your H has to state clearly that he needs to come home to you, and the business meeting otherwise his home/work life will be at risk, and that IF the situation deteriorates again, he will come over, if possible, but otherwise that they will have to arrange air ambulance to get him back home.

ffswhatnow Sun 05-May-13 11:20:43

I don't think YABU - their decisions have impacted on your plans and, no matter how close a family you are and how much you help each other out, effectively their "thoughtlessness" has had an impact on your priorities.

Is there any way that you can go to the fertility appt by yourself? (I've PM'd you)

clam Sun 05-May-13 11:00:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable. We've had something a bit similar recently when my parents insisted on going on an arduous trip to India. DM in particular has on-going health issues, which she hadn't declared to her insurance company.
We were furious - dsis told them point blank they were irresponsible and it would have been extremely difficult for any of us to get visas to get out and help had anything gone wrong whilst there - which it did, actually, but they just about managed.

Was it essential for both your dh and dbil to go?

Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 10:52:38

Our appointment is Wednesday.
Dh's meeting is Friday.
Then we were going away on Saturday just for three nights to try and relax! Ha ha ha.

Think I'd have been less annoyed if pil had gone somewhere nearer or for not as long. It's the first time they've been away since last year when FIL was first ill so it would have made sense to go for a sort of trial to see how they got on. Apparently it was mil nagging to FIL that she needed a holiday. FIL isn't the sort to admit he feels unwell either until he's on death's door. He wouldn't want to back down and say he wasn't well enough to go.

Waiting to hear from dh, he should be there in an hour or so. Hasn't actually got anywhere to stop.

lurkedtoolong Sun 05-May-13 10:50:56

YANBU at all. I can't understand why people think a holiday is the most important thing in the world - and I love going on holiday. Your ILs are being ridiculously selfish.

I hope all goes well with DH's job and your fertility treatment.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 10:44:58

when are these appointments, work things etc? Id say that Dh coukd leave db and come back for the appointments. Seeing as fil is stable.

His parents focus completely on their desires, not even needs, your h needs to keep his job, you need both to attend the fertility thing. The only thing you need to give up, again, is your holiday.

Your dh and his brother need to make sure their own essential needs are met tbh, and not cast aside for the sake of 2 stupid and selfish old people.

Iteotwawki Sun 05-May-13 10:35:25

"I know it isn't their fault really" .... Errrr. Yes it is.

They chose to fly for non essential reasons (a holiday is not essential!) knowing that FiL has a chronic lung condition. It's common knowledge (or it should be) that flying at altitude drops oxygen saturation levels so sense alone should tell you if your levels are low to start with, they haven't got far to drop before you're in trouble.

You didn't say whether they flew club or cattle class but a DVT / pulmonary embolus is a known complication of flying which will be far more serious in someone with pre existing lung disease.

Of course it's their fault.

You aren't a horrible person or irrational, I'd be bloody fuming.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 05-May-13 10:34:31

YANBU your PILs have behaved totally irresponsibly. The only perso who has behaved even worse than them is the doctor who said FIL was fit to fly. The mind boggles.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 05-May-13 08:13:16

Sure they're being selfish.

But your DH and BIL should have made clear before they left that they had very important stuff on and they wouldn't be able to fly out if there was a problem.

Your dh's job stuff sounds really important, as is your appointment. And why should you both miss out on your holiday? I assume you're both working all the time while the in laws are retired and can do what they like.

BoffinMum Sun 05-May-13 08:02:04

Typical baby boomers, behaving like ruddy teenagers. I would tell them off like teenagers as well. Harsh, but they are being incredibly selfish.

Finola1step Sun 05-May-13 08:02:01


As others have said, your PILs are entitled to make their own decisions and live their own lives. But, not in the knowledge that there is a significant risk to FIL which MIL can't cope with and will require significant support from their two sons.

But this has to come from your husband and his brother. I wish your FIL well and hope he has a speedy return to health. And future holidays... In the UK.

AThingInYourLife Sun 05-May-13 07:57:48

And I think, given that it was utter selfishness and stupidity that put them there, that he shouldn't have risked his livelihood to go running after them.

They could have used their money to sort their problems out.


AThingInYourLife Sun 05-May-13 07:53:26

YANBU at all.

I think your husband needs to make crystal fucking clear to them that he will not be dropping everything to fly out to deal with their shit the next time they do this.

ISpyPlumPie Sun 05-May-13 07:51:54

YANBU. I really hope you are able to make the fertility appointment, and if not that there's not too much delay in it being rearranged. Good luck with the treatment. Also wishing your FIL a speedy recovery.

Kafri - so sorry for the loss of your mum sad.

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