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To be irrationally annoyed with my PIL?

(50 Posts)
Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 04:33:15

Obviously yes I am. I am concerned and worried too though before people tell me off.

Exactly a year ago PIL went abroad and FIL was very very unwell whilst on holiday. Rushed to intensive care and it was touch and go. Dh and his brother flew out and were out there with MIL for a couple of weeks. FIL was very unwell on the plane home and had to have medical assistance and be accompanied by a dr. He was told he wouldn't be able to go abroad again by plane because of his low oxygen levels.

Fast forward 12 months and they're talking about going abroad again, dr and cleared FIL to fly despite him being unwell twice more since getting home, low blood pressure, low oxygen levels and currently being on antibiotics for a chest infection. We all tell them not to go. They went anyway, last weekend for two weeks to a destination about five hours away. We suggested if they must go abroad that they went on a very short flight or by boat. They have plenty of money so cost is not a problem.

Last night FIL has collapsed again, stopped breathing and been rushed to hospital. Dh and bil are going out again first thing this morning (hence why I'm up because dh has just left to catch flight.) we are all worried and dh is obviously distraught. Why on earth did they go? I know it isn't their fault really but on some irrational level I am quite cross. This makes me sound awful but last year we had to cancel our holiday and this year we have a fertility appointment and then a short holiday both of which will now be cancelled. I am most upset about the fertility appointment of those. I know this makes me a terrible person. Not more upset than I am about FIL but still, yes, upset.

I feel terrible for mil, I know that someone needs to go out for her and that dh and bil need to go anyway to see their dad. I just keep thinking "why? Why did pil go?" I wouldn't have in their circumstances. I know FIL could have been ill in this country but for some reason the flying seems to make him worse and at least if he were here it wouldn't be so difficult for everyone and MIL would be at home with lots of support. Also although the hospital were very good last time (it's the same hospital this time) because their english wasnt 100% and everyone was panicking sometimes it was difficult to work out what was going on.

AIBU for thinking they shouldn't have gone? Particularly as FIL already had the end of a chest infection? I cannot understand why the dr said he was safe to go. We all thought for sure he'd say no.

Roshbegosh Sun 05-May-13 04:40:14

Well no YANBU but they want to enjoy life so neither are they really, you are naturally upset and it is awful to be ready mentally for the fertility appt and then have to delay it like this. Horrible, you poor thing.

Kafri Sun 05-May-13 04:43:07

while I can see your point of view about it all and can understand you being upset (especially about the fertility appointment as I have a 19w son from IVF -so know what that entails) but - I have just (4w ago) lost my mother very suddenly so I kind of think we're all going one day so might as well make the most of it before we do and if your PILs enjoy traveling/holidays then why not.
I know it makes things difficult re visiting/support etc.
honestly I dont think YABU but im not sure I think PILs are either.
good luck with your fertility appointment (when you get it). like I said, I certainly know how much time/emotion goes into those.xx

Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 04:44:58

Thanks for not telling me I'm awful.

I'm annoyed at the dr. FIL had lung damage from last time. I still can't understand why they said he was ok to go. We suggested they go on a cruise instead, which they also enjoy, or a nearer destination.

FarBetterNow Sun 05-May-13 04:48:00

I think they are being selfish as well as stupid.
I'm surprised they got insurance.
The weather is getting better here, surely they could have gone on holiday in the UK.
How old are they?

Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 04:49:28

They are in their 70s. I believe the insurance cost them a fortune. I must admit I did hope that no one would insure them because that would have drawn a line under it.

Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 04:51:57

Kafri sorry to hear about you mum.

Cerisier Sun 05-May-13 04:59:12

YANBU. I also think they have been selfish.

I hope they are insisting on paying for their sons' flights and hotel rooms.

Kafri Sun 05-May-13 05:01:44

thanks idbe
was certainly a shock - had my ds christened on easter sunday. called her on the Monday and she had a massive stroke on the Tuesday.

completely out of the blue amd unexpected. she was perfectly well and independent - stilk worked etc.

she loved to travel and I know she woukd have hated to have had to stop going away cos of her health if it ever came to it...

I do know she died how she would have liked to... quickly and painlessly rather than being poorly for months/years amd having to be looked after. we just wish it didn't have to be so soon.

ENormaSnob Sun 05-May-13 05:33:40


BBQWidow Sun 05-May-13 05:35:52

I think that they have every right to take the risks involved with travelling if that is really what they want to be doing. They got medical clearance, they got travel insurance, and they followed their hearts on it.

I understand your concerns, but they have a right to live a life, even if they die while doing it.

maddening Sun 05-May-13 06:09:28

Yanbu based on the fact that they knew that they would be relying on dh and dbil in the very likely event of fil being ill - if they were totally self contained and were able to deal with the situation if he were ill then it would be a different matter.

SquinkiesRule Sun 05-May-13 06:36:15

YANBU they are.
I really hope you don't have to cancel the fertility appointment sad

Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 06:41:01

I think that's exactly it maddening
If they didn't have dh and bil then I doubt they'd have risked going, they knew that dh and bil would go and help if needs be.
It just seems an unnecessary risk to take. They do enjoy going on holiday and have been abroad a lot previously. I just wish they'd not gone so far, even the south of France would have been better from a point of view of getting FIL home. A five hour flight is a long time when you need oxygen and medical assistance on the flight.

Dh is fretting because in between our appointment and break he had a very important work meeting worth a lot of money to the company. This may sound callous but his company is making redundancies and now he's worried that having to back out of the meeting will put him in the firing line. I've told him he had no choice and hopefully his boss will understand especially as dh never has any time off sick or anything but still, I know he's worried.

hollyisalovelyname Sun 05-May-13 06:42:46

PIL are.
They knew the risks and were prepared to take them, regardless of how they impacted on their sons' lives.
Also hope your dh doesn't have to pay for flights. Good luck with fertility treatment.

Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 06:44:06

I'm trying not to say anything about the fertility app to dh as I know he's under enough pressure and stress.
However I'm willing him to be home by then, although I think it is unlikely.

Inertia Sun 05-May-13 07:06:08

Yanbu. It's up to your PIL whether they continue to risk FIL's life by flying, but it's really not fair that they keep doing so because they know that their sons will keep putting their own lives and jobs on hold to go out to them.

Roshbegosh Sun 05-May-13 07:12:03

Lets hope his boss is understanding. What a mess, hope they never do this to you again.

Idbeloveandsweetness Sun 05-May-13 07:16:00

I think if they lose the contract it will put dh under a huge amount of pressure at work.
Dh is cross with his parents too, as well as worried obviously. He's more cross with his mum because she kept nagging FIL about going on holiday. I can't understand this because if dh had been unwell like FIL was and told that he had permanent lung damage I certainly wouldn't be encouraging him to do anything that might make him ill.

I am hoping that FIL will improve today. We've bad no news overnight, last heard from mil at midnight who said she hadn't been allowed in to see FIL but he was stable.

Passthesaltdear Sun 05-May-13 07:26:11

How annoyinghmm

PoppyFleur Sun 05-May-13 07:34:39

YANBU. They absolutely have every right to live their lives to the full if they are independent & can deal with the consequences. However, if they are reliant on others when things take a turn for the worse than it is unfair to expect people to put lives on hold.

TweedWasSoLastYear Sun 05-May-13 07:38:22

There was an article on the R4 news last week about business men who like to work on planes.
The reduced amount of oxygen is like being at between 7000 - 8000 feet above sea level.
For most of us all it does is make you tired , as the oxygen levels are much lower. It makes business men make silly mistakes as well, that was the point of the article.
I think your IL ABU by flying with a known medical condition that has most likely been brought on by the air travel , its almost stupid tbh.
Hope they all come home safely and this is the end of air travel for him ( and climbing mountians)

Jinty64 Sun 05-May-13 07:38:32

YANBU whilst I completely understand that they have to make the best of the time they have left there are many different ways of doing that. They have been very selfish and thought only of themselves and not the huge impact this could have and is having on their family.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 05-May-13 07:40:35

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Their holiday choices are impacting on their grown-up children. And as someone else said, I hope they're covering the financial cost of flights etc.

It must be very worrying for your DH and I hope his father recovers and that he gets home for all the important meetings.

Good luck with the IVF.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sun 05-May-13 07:41:50

YANBU I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you. Yes ofcourse they want to travel, fair play to them, but I do think its pretty shitty that they knew if FIL did get poorly again on holiday your DH and his brother would have to drop everything in their own lives to go to their aid. Yes, it's what families do obviously but it sounds like they knew there was a very real risk this would happen again. And it has.

I hope FIL gets better soon. Fingers crossed you dont have to cancel your fertility appointment after all.

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