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For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

(418 Posts)
roses2 Sat 04-May-13 15:51:56

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

Svrider Mon 06-May-13 14:58:25

Also op children are not mentally capable of been manipulative untill at least 6/7 yo
Note years old
Not months
Not weeks

Dancergirl Mon 06-May-13 09:04:50

OP, if you are still reading....please consider this: forget all the books, theories, discipline routines, 'methods' etc and go with your instincts as a mother. Live in the moment, that your baby needs you right now. Don't worry about what will happen in the future or try to make predictions. Babies and children's needs change very quickly. It really won't be long before he won't want picking up so often.

Doingakatereddy Mon 06-May-13 08:54:08

Just read OP's responses - she has a 'manipulative' baby who knows 'tricks' to force families affections.

I suspect she has a baby who relies on families love, affection & care to survive.

For pity's sake, pick your baby up & give the parenting theories a break

ElphabaTheGreen Mon 06-May-13 08:31:56

Bluesky Read the OP and her responses. She's not shovelling food in and leaving her baby to cry just while she does that as you suggest. She's purposely leaving him to cry because she thinks he'll learn not to at an age when he's not capable of that logic, and further thinks he's capable of 'working the system' for different people.

Branleuse Mon 06-May-13 06:55:42

pick the poor baby up and give him a cuddle. sad sad sad

MrsHoarder Mon 06-May-13 05:19:13

Sparhawk because the op expected everyone to say yanbu and offer support/mil handling tips.

Think this thread should be pointed our next time its claimed MN is a hotbed of anti-mil sentiment, setting innocent gm's up for a fall.

ProtegeMoi Sun 05-May-13 23:59:41

FFS at first I felt sorry for a mother who sounds like she's struggling but after all these people telling her that 4 month old babies have no understanding of routine , feeding to schedule rarely works and leaving her tiny baby to cry is the wrong thing to do she simply says we're all wrong and she's going to do it anyway.

Poor baby sad

MoominsYonisAreScary Sun 05-May-13 23:31:34

The op says he was crying a lot and it doesn't take 20 mins to shovel some food down, he is being left to cry because the op wants to eat her meal in peace. That's pretty sad

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sun 05-May-13 22:33:14

Not sure what ou're getting at Penelopehmm, said baby gets whatever attention it needs where possible throughout the day.Said mum likes to eat so shovels some food down herself baby sometimes cries(maybe just grizzling for all we know). Soooo not an issue unless you like mass,jumping on the bandwagon judging.

PeneloPeePitstop Sun 05-May-13 22:25:07

Think about it. If the baby is on a feeding schedule then it will be crying a lot more than just at mealtimes.

Because everyone, not just babies, gets hungry at random intervals. We don't all sit and eat every four hours on the dot, sure our meals might fall into some routine but most of us snack on fruit or whatever in between.

So, it'll be crying from hunger until the next 'feeding window' too. But I suppose that's also manipulative behaviour.

AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate Sun 05-May-13 22:21:12

That wasn't actually what I asked you Blueskies, but ok. I have said upthread that DD2 regularly cried in her bouncer for a few minutes because I needed to shower before taking DD1 out. But I wouldn't, intentionally and where I could avoid it, plan my day in a way that would regularly involve her crying whilst I intentionally ignored her to teach her a lesson.

Sparhawk Sun 05-May-13 22:10:25

Oh and there's absolutely no way I would ever leave my three month old daughter crying, she's a baby, she doesn't understand why her mummy is ignoring. I plan around her routine and I certainly wouldn't allow another woman, regardless of who it was, to tell me when I can and can't eat.

Sparhawk Sun 05-May-13 22:08:03

Why on earth would you post a thread asking people for their opinions, then throw a hissy fit when they didn't give you the opinion you wanted? hmm

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sun 05-May-13 21:55:17

Oh for goodness sake babies have to fit into a family,they're not made from Dresden china.

The fact remains the vast majority of the day revolves around babies so the odd one or two times they're not the centre of attention isn't going o make a jot of difference.It's a marathon not a sprint.

AmandaPayneAteTooMuchChocolate Sun 05-May-13 21:49:46

Blueskies - i don't understand why you keep talking about CC and Gina routines. They weren't for me, but they are legitimate parenting techniques that work for others. People aren't knocking that. That isn't what this thread is about. People are saying that what is being done isn't CC/CIO, that a four month old can't 'trick' anyone. If the OP wants a strict routine, fine. Then they can eat and shower when they know the baby will be napping or in bed. But what she is doing is not any form of routine or sleep training.

Intentionally leaving a baby to regularly cry until they give up, not to bolt down food as quickly as possible, but because you decide to have a formal dinner at table is not IMO, a nice way to treat your child.

EasilyBored Sun 05-May-13 21:44:58

I'm all about having a routine, but it has to be one that suits the whole family. You can't crowbar a baby into a routine just tosuit you. Babies are people too. I hate this 'my baby, my rules' bullshit, you don't own a baby. It's a human being who has wants and needs too. If people want something that is obedient and minimally disruptive, they should get a fucking dog.

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sun 05-May-13 21:42:26


Blueskiesandbuttercups Sun 05-May-13 21:40:30

I was responding to others which mentioned it.

Sirzy Sun 05-May-13 21:35:30

To me its the idea that a 4 month old can be manipulative and needs training to realise that they are being ignored which I struggle with.

catgirl1976 Sun 05-May-13 21:33:30

I just don't understand why you keep talking about CC though when the thread is not about that

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sun 05-May-13 21:31:40

Didn't say she was.

From her posts it's clear she gives her baby masses of attention all day bar a couple of 20 minutes when I guess she's shovelling food into herself.He cries for a few minutes and stops.

Being his mother she can differentiate between grizzling and a scream due to tiredness,illness etc.

Nt child abuse,not neglect but a knackered mum grabbing some food so no cause for hysteria or mass judging.

catgirl1976 Sun 05-May-13 21:23:24

But the OP isn't using CC to get her baby to sleep either in the day or at night.

She isn't using CC at all.

Blueskiesandbuttercups Sun 05-May-13 21:20:36

Erm babies need sleep in the day.I and the vast maj of my friends did 3 or 4 days tops of cc (actually a bit of a misnomer as there is very little crying involved when you follow a routine a la Gina).

Most babies I know need 2 or 3 hours of sleep a day.Mine were miserable and cranky until they started getting it.

Sorry last I heard routines are still very popular.There is no "we", parents parent differently.

lucamom Sun 05-May-13 21:16:56

From her op and responses it's clear that she isn't thinking " this us my only chance to eat, baby will just have to cry for 5 mind whilst I wolf this food down, it's the first chance I've had all day" (we've all been there). This op has made a choice to train her child out of it's natural instincts, as the baby is trying to get one over her and win affection, which must be stopped through this method of controlled crying (which is actually a misnomer, it's simply crying)

greenformica Sun 05-May-13 21:16:35

Does the baby really need to be left to cry? It's only 4 months (not a toddler) and wants to be held. Why don't you all just take it in turns holding the baby so everyone can get their needs met - adults with food and baby with cuddles. Why don't you listen to what your baby is trying to tell you? There is plenty of time to train him to sit nicely at a table when he is older, I think it's crazy that you are pushing quiet sitting now. I'm not surprised your MIL finds it distressing - maybe she could be the one to hold baby and socialise with it while you and DH eat?

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