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For not wanting to be judged by my MIL for leaving my baby to cry?

(418 Posts)
roses2 Sat 04-May-13 15:51:56

Me and DH are living with his parents at the moment and we have a 4 month old DS.

I have my DS on a feeding schedule which works well. He is gaining weight steadily and seems happy in between feeds.

I like to have DS sit in his push chair with us at the dinner table while we eat so he can socialise with us. He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up.

Me and DH know the difference between when he is hungry, wanting attention, tired etc.

Last week, DS was crying at the table. MIL got upset and told me if I was going to leave him to cry then put him in the other room. So now I put him in front of the tv while we eat. He cries for a few minutes then stops.

Last night he was crying a lot in front of the tv. Then MIL went into a rant by telling he is crying because he is in pain or hungry because babies don't cry for no reason and I should top him up with a bottle because I don't have enough milk (not true at all, I can still squirt milk out my boob when he takes himself off). As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention.

I'm really upset with her as no matter what I do, I just can't seem to win. I try to eat with him at the table but he cries and she doesn't like it. I put him in the other room, he cries and she doesn't like it.

I was so upset last night I spent the whole night crying. DH supports me fully and told her off. All I want is to eat my dinner without having to shove it down my throat to attend to DS because she gets upset when he cries.

Not really sure what I'm looking for here but just wanted to have a rant.

It's our first row, normally we get on better than me and my own mum.

Geckoandthemonkey Sat 04-May-13 16:14:25

IsThatTrue Sat 04-May-13 16:14:26

I can't leave ds2 to cry, he's 5months. If that means my house is a shit pit until DH gets home so be it. I shower when there's another adult around/if DH is away I shower early in the morning while ds2 naps. He rarely wakes during the 10mins it takes me.

I also spend a lot of time with him in the sling. But we both love that so it's not a problem.

I'm with your mil tbh. Babies need cuddles.

claremp7 Sat 04-May-13 16:14:44

I personally wouldn't let my DD cry. I'm breast feeding and feeding on demand. I'm not saying your MIL is right or wrong because it is your baby but as I've said I wouldn't do it. I suppose if your under someone else's roof you should respect them and their feelings. If when your son is older will you let your MIL discipline your son?
Its a question I've been asking myself so I don't know the answer.
I'm sorry I probably haven't helped at all!!!

notnowbernard Sat 04-May-13 16:14:59

Of course there are occasions when young babies have to cry... Anyone with more than 1 DC can tell you that

But why you'd voluntarily leave one to scream when you don't have to - I don't get at all

I'd get indigestion

ChunkyChicken Sat 04-May-13 16:15:26

Sorry but YABU.

I say this as a mum to a (just) 3yo DD & v nearly 6mo DS. DH & I have to stagger our eating to have DS on our lap if he's grumpy (& he rarely gets to crying tbh as I just cannot listen to crying without feeling frantic/pressured/miserable, which puts me off my meal anyway!). Add to that dealing with our DD, I figure we just have to deal with not having a hot meal in 1 go for a few years, unless the dc are babysat. As long as both you & DH are taking turns in not eating, its a small price to pay for a content baby.

If you really can't tolerate not eating, any not MIL pick him up? She's the one not eating then & baby is happy.

Do stick to your guns about bfing though, as you will have enough milk, but personally, I wouldn't 'schedule' feeds, as that can affect supply. Plus 4mths is growth spurt territory, so he may he crying from hunger....

catgirl1976 Sat 04-May-13 16:15:33

Oh - sometimes I would put him in his bouncy chair in the bathroom whilst I showered

Singing to him would normally help if he got teary...if not, I got out.

JollyPurpleGiant Sat 04-May-13 16:15:43

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DontmindifIdo Sat 04-May-13 16:16:14

Yep, babies at that age need attention - they are crying for a reason. You hold them when they need to have attention, if that's all, if a cuddle doesn't work, then it means they are trying to tell you something else. (either hungry, or hot or cold or wet or in pain etc).

Anyway, as for cooking and cleaning and showering, at 4 months isn't your DC sleeping for about 4 hours during the day plus at night? You do it then, or put them in a sling.

When DS was that age, I showered after DH had got ready before he went to work, so he'd cuddle DS for 20 minutes - this has the added bonus of ensuring you're not one of those mums who get to 11am and still haven't got round to showering and cleaning their teeth, being at least showered, dressed with clean teeth (if not actually done anythign with my hair or put makeup on) by 7:30am always made me feel like I was at least able to cope with the morning.

nennypops Sat 04-May-13 16:16:22

I find it really sad that he's already learning that he can't rely on his mother and father for love and attention. Seriously, you need to reverse that, fast.

madamecake Sat 04-May-13 16:16:53

YABU. When dd was that age I either showered when DH was home, or bought her into the bathroom with me in her baby seat. Same with making lunch etc.
Your DS is crying for attention because he NEEDS your attention, please pick him up or let your mil pick him up.

Floggingmolly Sat 04-May-13 16:16:56

He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up. sad.
He's a four month old baby.
I would raise the depression question too.

BearsInMotion Sat 04-May-13 16:17:35

FWIW We used to put DD in a bouncer while we ate, bounced her with one foot while eating. I miss those days of her wanting cuddles all the time, now she 15 months and too busy! But, sorry, another YABU, just too little to be left to cry sad

LemonsLimes Sat 04-May-13 16:18:13

A baby's need for attention and cuddles is as much of a need as his need for milk and sleep.

He doesn't cry when it's just me and DH because he knows we won't pick him up. Poor kid. sad

purrpurr Sat 04-May-13 16:18:33

The reason you have stated in your OP for having your four month old child at the table whilst you eat was so he could socialise with you. So presumably the baby is not being fed at that time? What is the baby getting from this, other than being in a highchair unable to amuse himself, play with anything, interact with anyone?

I've been a guest at many family meals where the baby's needs were placed above the needs of 8 adults. The baby's 'needs' at mealtimes were to sit nicely in a highchair whilst we ate, ostensibly to socialise. Babies can't 'sit nicely'. The baby was confused and upset, and would begin to cry, which would be met with surprise, panic and upset each time - why is the baby crying? Oh but what's wrong with her? Oh poor baby! etc. Every time. That reaction is at least better than what you're doing. I don't get it at all.

catgirl1976 Sat 04-May-13 16:18:35

God I remember going out for meals and one of us holding the baby, starting longingly at the others starter, which they were bolting down so we could swap around

fizzzness Sat 04-May-13 16:18:47

Master the art if eating one handed whilst breastfeeding. A widget cushion will help. Then everyone's happy.

A four hour feeding schedule is likely to producing a hungry baby at four months, as it's classic growth spurt time and if you're breastfeeding your supply is also changing too, due to post natal hormones changing and babies often feed more to increase and regulate supply. So if you're leaving him to cry, make sure he's not hungry. Four months is also the classic time for a baby getting ready to be interested in solid food, so don't exclude him from mealtimes.

TheRealFellatio Sat 04-May-13 16:19:08

Perhaps she's sick of trying to eat her dinner in peace while your baby screams his head off and you ignore him while you eat.

I could not have done that - I would have sat mine on my lap and ate, or waited until they were asleep.

He cries quite often wanting to be picked up, more so when MIL is there because he knows she will pick him up. I'm not sure I believe this. I don't think that at four months old he could be quite that conniving.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 04-May-13 16:19:34

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Doubtfuldaphne Sat 04-May-13 16:19:37

It makes me sad to think the baby might be hungry or feeling like he needs a hug but he's being ignored sad
I know it must be stressful living with your il's with a baby but I think your mil is right on this one. We would take it turns to hold or feed dd at dinner time and at 4 months she did have a big growth spurt and needed lots of extra milk.

PassTheTwiglets Sat 04-May-13 16:20:29

You say he wants attention like it's a bad thing confused

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 04-May-13 16:20:57

As soon as I went to pick him up, he stopped crying which I think proves my point he just wanted attention

So give him attention! This is insane.

Fakebook Sat 04-May-13 16:22:29

Yabvu and (shock horror) I agree with your MIL.

4 month old BABIES don't attention seek malevolently . They need reassurance that their parents will be there for them when they're not happy.

Wth is wrong with people....

GoingUpInTheWorld Sat 04-May-13 16:23:30

I dont mean to be rude but you do sound abit of a "know it all" but also uneducated with babies at the same time.

Geckoandthemonkey Sat 04-May-13 16:24:16

Agree with above poster. Buy a bouncer for baby and rock it with your foot while you (v. quickly) eat dinner and perhaps smile and stroke his head every now and again to keep crying at bay. Worked with my dcs or if necessary bf and eat one handed if MIL is not around.

ChilliJo Sat 04-May-13 16:25:14

YABVU. Your baby is 4 months old. I'll cuddle him.

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