To really upset DH and insist DD does not go with him to spend a weekend with her revolting jezza kyle style grandparents?

[pinksmarties13]

Namechanged as I forgot my password, but:

I joined this site at xmas time asking for advice in dealing with my incredibly rude in-laws, who were making their 10 day xmas visit even more unbearable than usual. ( particular "issues," included but were not limited too: pretending to vomit up food at the dinner table if I put vegetables on their plates, continuing to light up and smoke in the house when asked not to, graphic, loud descriptions of their sex life in front of my extended family and children, constant racist outbursts and sulking when I wouldn't provide their favourite food/ fry ups etc.)

Anyway after I eventually told them to reign in their behaviour, I got into a very upsetting argument with my MIL who made some disgusting comments about my sex life and then abused both me and my 14 year old niece over facebook, ( she told my niece she hoped she died of AIDs.)

Unsurprisingly we have not spoken since the event, and until last week they refused to speak to DH either, as in the end he sided with me over them. This complete lack of contact was rather nice, HOWEVER:

MIL has recently contacted DH to inform him that FIL has slept with a much younger neighbour, (who is also a distant cousin of DH's from his mothers side.) MIL and FIL plan to stay together, but MIL is having difficulty living in such close vicinity to the "lucky lady." She has admitted to DH that to try and persuade the woman to move, ( woman is married and has two young kids,) she has been regularly throwing open bags of rubbish into her garden, shouting at her whenever she walks past, ( including when she has children with her,) and when she (MIL,) was drunk one night earlier this week she went out and pissed in her garden. ( It goes without saying I'm mortified my children are related to her.) She has also been cautioned by the police after she slapped this woman in front of witnesses.

It is against this backdrop that DH, is being asked to go down and "mediate," for the weekend, as said family have made complaints to the council and FIL is worried they will lose their home. DH feels he should go, ( probably because the thought of his homeless parents turning up on our door is terrifying,) however they want DD to come down to "see them as they can't see her now the ginger bitch (me,) won't let them in." They have no interest in my son staying as he has a different biological father.

Now whilst I normally agree with grandparent-child bonds, and DD wouldn't miss anytime off school, I really feel this is a completely inappropriate environment to take a child into, and am refusing to let her go. DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. He does agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house.

so AIBU to say it might not inconvenience me, their not child abusers but I just don't want my child exposed to this environment>

[DameFanny]

Yanbu. I remember your other thread. Absolutely not an environment for children.

[SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly]

Dont send her. Move far far away the change all your names, dna and blood types

[lucamom]

Not at all-just because you don't have to worry about child abuse doesn't mean anything goes, there are still other situations you're allowed to protect you'd children from (and this sounds completely toxic)

[CloudsAndTrees]

Your DH is looking at it from the wrong angle. It doesn't matter whether a Grandparent does or doesn't have the right to see a grandchild. It matters that a child has the right to be protected from dysfunctional environments and dysfunctional people.

[DaveMccave]

Yanbu, don't let her go.

[crazydrunkevilhamster]

Jesus I'd run for the hills

You are certainly not been unreasonable

[DameFanny]

Yanbu. I remember your other thread. Absolutely not an environment for children.

[pinksmarties13]

Thanks for the support, I know it comes across as "funny," but it really isn't if you actually have to deal with them yourself. They, ( and heir wish to spend time with DD,) are just causing so many problems within my family right now. I find it embarrassing discuss with many people, my own friends get really angry at DH for his attitude when it is brought up, and my family find it to upsetting. So I've sort of taken to ranting to strangers on the internet :s

[elQuintoConyo]

Holy shit!

Run! Run for the hills!

They sound disgusting. Perhaps agree on a middle ground for your dc and pils: the pils can see dc in the presence of dh in a neutral place (not your house and not theirs).

If that fails, cut them off. motherfuckers

Your situation has made me really bloody angry. Have some

[StuntGirl]

Not unreasonable at all, these people are not the kind of people anyone should be exposed to, let alone your children.

But your husband will have grown up in this environment and so to an extent it will be 'normal' for him so he will struggle to see your view completely.

I would NOT let your daughter go. Even if it means putting your foot down and causing a problem with your husband in the short term.

[NotSoWitty]

yanbu they sound lovely stay away far, far away!

[50shadesofbrown]

Aargh they sound absolutely VILE. They sound (according to your post) a bad example, prejudiced, violent, bad mannered, ignorant & selfish. I thought my PILs were bad but yours take the biscuit. I'd be inclined to stay right away.
On the other hand, if it was just a normal family visit I'd say you should at least show willing, but you know very well what the purpose of the visit is, I'm sure neither not or DH want your DC to witness that.

[SoleSource]

Lol!!

Sorry

[AgentZigzag]

From bitter experience, don't get drawn into other peoples relationships.

Whatever good intentions your DH might start out with, it'll end up in tears I can guarantee it (especially with the behaviour your MIL thinks is OK by her).

So from that point of view it'd be completely inappropriate for either of you to go along with your MIL trying to manipulate bringing your DC into the equation, and it's horrible for her to try to use her GC like this.

[ZebraOwl]

It sounds as though it is tough for your DH to accept that his parents do not create an atmosphere that is healthy for your children. Could you point out that the inevitable slagging off of you (& would I be right to suspect comments will be made about her brother not really being her brother because he has a different father?) will be very distressing for DD?

Is he struggling to cope with the problems in his parents' relationship? Even as an adult if you [want to] have a loving/good relationship with your parents the idea of their relationship collapsing will be frightening. Is he trying to convince himself things are Fine & taking DD would bolster that illusion?

Hope you're able to keep DD away from the toxic waste spill that is her grandparents home - and to do so without causing your husband hurt.

[Longdistance]

Send your dh on his own. He probably won't stay anyway.

Yanbu to not send your dd into such a dysfunctional environment. I remember your last thread. Dreadful people.

[Nanny0gg]

Nope. You can guarantee that they will say horrible things about you to/in front of your DD, so for that reason alone, nope.

However, there are many, many more...

[pinksmarties13]

Yeah tbh if this was an "ordinary," visit I'd be slightly, slightly more tempted to relent. But given the purpose is for DH to mediate between three violent and volatile adults, who earlier this week needed police involvement after trying to sort things "failed," I really don't want DD to go.

As I've tried to point out to DH, it won't be "enjoyable," for DD. The best outcome we'll her having to sit quietly and listen as this ridiculous, "meeting," goes on for hours on end, the worst is that she spends her weekend at the police station as DH tries to sort things out. There's no other children there, and nothing for kids to do at their house either, o she'll just be sitting around, absorbing this awful atmosphere.

[mydadsdaughter]

Do not let her go, they sound horrendous

[Purplebananas]

Don't let her go and cut off all contact with them, they sound awful.

[pinksmarties13]

Zebraowl-you asked if they were insensitive about her brother. Whilst, ( to my knowledge,) they have not said anything directly to her, they make a point of referring to him as "half/step," brother, and (despite the fact DH has lived with him since he was two,) they show no interest in him/ no birthday cards, and minimal interaction with him during their visits.
Years ago MIl once reduced me to tears when I said something about DS, she replied "why should I be interested in that stranger's child? "

This is all very upsetting for DS, as although he normally has a great relationship with DH, the fact that we are only arguing about his grandparents wish to see DD and not him makes it clear that DH is not his "real," dad. So he is now crying about this as well. Just fed up with the stress this is causing my family, all because PIL are so pathetic they require their son to mediate a meting where hey agree to stop pissing in neighbours gardens! and being total cunts

[TigerSwallowTail]

Oh god no, definitely don't let dh take her up there. I remember your last thread, best thing you can do is keep your dd as far away from these people as possible.

[YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad]

No way, no way, no way would I ever let my kids within 100 metres of these cretins. What a vile family. How on earth did your DH turn out so normal? (I'm assuming he is if you married him!)

[AgentZigzag]

'This is all very upsetting for DS, as although he normally has a great relationship with DH, the fact that we are only arguing about his grandparents wish to see DD and not him makes it clear that DH is not his "real," dad. So he is now crying about this as well.'

Are you playing all this out in front of your DS?

I was going to ask how old he is but I think that'd be irrelevant, it's not something you should be shouting about so he can hear is it?