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To really upset DH and insist DD does not go with him to spend a weekend with her revolting jezza kyle style grandparents?

(133 Posts)
pinksmarties13 Sat 04-May-13 00:07:43

Namechanged as I forgot my password, but:

I joined this site at xmas time asking for advice in dealing with my incredibly rude in-laws, who were making their 10 day xmas visit even more unbearable than usual. ( particular "issues," included but were not limited too: pretending to vomit up food at the dinner table if I put vegetables on their plates, continuing to light up and smoke in the house when asked not to, graphic, loud descriptions of their sex life in front of my extended family and children, constant racist outbursts and sulking when I wouldn't provide their favourite food/ fry ups etc.)

Anyway after I eventually told them to reign in their behaviour, I got into a very upsetting argument with my MIL who made some disgusting comments about my sex life and then abused both me and my 14 year old niece over facebook, ( she told my niece she hoped she died of AIDs.)

Unsurprisingly we have not spoken since the event, and until last week they refused to speak to DH either, as in the end he sided with me over them. This complete lack of contact was rather nice, HOWEVER:

MIL has recently contacted DH to inform him that FIL has slept with a much younger neighbour, (who is also a distant cousin of DH's from his mothers side.) MIL and FIL plan to stay together, but MIL is having difficulty living in such close vicinity to the "lucky lady." She has admitted to DH that to try and persuade the woman to move, ( woman is married and has two young kids,) she has been regularly throwing open bags of rubbish into her garden, shouting at her whenever she walks past, ( including when she has children with her,) and when she (MIL,) was drunk one night earlier this week she went out and pissed in her garden. ( It goes without saying I'm mortified my children are related to her.) She has also been cautioned by the police after she slapped this woman in front of witnesses.

It is against this backdrop that DH, is being asked to go down and "mediate," for the weekend, as said family have made complaints to the council and FIL is worried they will lose their home. DH feels he should go, ( probably because the thought of his homeless parents turning up on our door is terrifying,) however they want DD to come down to "see them as they can't see her now the ginger bitch (me,) won't let them in." They have no interest in my son staying as he has a different biological father.

Now whilst I normally agree with grandparent-child bonds, and DD wouldn't miss anytime off school, I really feel this is a completely inappropriate environment to take a child into, and am refusing to let her go. DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. He does agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house.

so AIBU to say it might not inconvenience me, their not child abusers but I just don't want my child exposed to this environment>

Buzzardbird Sat 04-May-13 09:34:19

When you have a big ugly painful old veruca you get it cut out and thrown don't stick it back on your (or your dd's) toe now and again due to a sense of loyalty because it was once part of you.

You get rid!

Random analogy but do you see where I'm coming from?

2fedup Sat 04-May-13 09:40:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smellslikecatspee Sat 04-May-13 09:40:57

I just logged on to day what sweetest cup said.
Just because its emotional abuse doesn't make it ok.
And that environment sounds toxic.

Saying that I do feel for your husband.
I'm guessing he continues to feel an obligation to them and in his own head want to have a 'normal' parent/child/grandchild relationship with them.

I think some tactical negotiations are called for here.
Agree in principle to him visiting them with DD BUT NOT THIS WEEKEND.

Bearing in mind their normal behaviour I'd put money on the police being involved this weekend, and that maybe the wake up call your DH needs.

I hope that if you agree to this it will take the pressure off for now and you can then have the discussion about what a toxic environment you'd be exposing her to at a less emotional time.

It sounds like your DH is one of the good ones and unfortunately means he still cares for them. I think from other threads this is called FOG. Fear/obligation/guilt.

I realise my suggestion might sound a bit two faced and manipulative but if it keeps your DD away from them and gives your DH a bit of support so what?

TerrysAllGold Sat 04-May-13 09:44:14

"Your DD can visit (if appropriate) when things are calmer."

WTF? This woman acts like a barbarian. She calls the child's mother a bitch and treats the child's half brother like a stranger and a second class citizen. Who in their right mind would ever allow the woman to see or have contact with their child again?

DontmindifIdo Sat 04-May-13 09:45:58

If MIL might say the slightest insulting thing about you (pretty much a given) then your DD shouldn't be exposed to it, he can tell his mother she's already lost contact with her DGC because of her behaviour, making it clear it's not just you, but he also won't have his mum anywhere near your house. That she can see her DGD again when she proves she can act like a civilised person, and pissing in someone else's garden isn't acting like a normal person.

the only mediation should be to go to sit his mother down, say she should stop behaving like a complete twat or she'll lose her house, and he will not put them up, so she will make herself homeless. If your MIL can't live next door to these people, your MIL should look to move, rather than trying to drive out another family - if your MIL is lucky, she'll end up only losing her house, she could easily end up in trouble with the police. Unless she has mental health problems, she can't be unable to see this has gone beyond what is anywhere near normal?

piprabbit Sat 04-May-13 09:55:08

Terry - I said that because I don't think the OP needs to have a row with her DH about his parents at the moment, he must be having an awful time s it is. All the OP needs to do is say 'not now, it is too emotional and you will be too involved in mediation'. It doesn't mean she can't keep saying 'not now' to any future suggestions about DD visiting the PILs.

Shinigami Sat 04-May-13 09:56:41


You need to keep your DCs away from these people at all costs and if your DH doesn't like it then tough shit.
I hope they do lose their house it would serve them right.

ZillionChocolate Sat 04-May-13 10:04:01

Definitely not the right environment for a child. I don't fancy DH's chances of mediating but he's a grown up so it's his choice.

I think being abusive about a child's mother is emotionally harmful. Sounds like MiL can't help herself. If there is to be contact, I'd suggest it should be infrequent and limited to short periods. Lunch in a neutral venue.

CocacolaMum Sat 04-May-13 10:08:53

Not a fucking chance, no way. You would have to be slightly wrong in the head to allow this woman within spitting distance of your family!! Headcase!

TerrysAllGold Sat 04-May-13 10:15:32

piprabbit, any husband who goes off to help his barbaric, peculiar, uncivilised parent/s when one of them is calling his wife a bitch and treating his stepson as a piece of dirt needs a row about it, not sympathy for "having an awful time" poor thing. hmm I'd be calling his loyalty into question and suggesting that if it lies with his mother he doesn't come back from his visit.

piprabbit Sat 04-May-13 10:17:53

I hadn't realised this was turning into LTB thread.

ben5 Sat 04-May-13 10:27:58

Do you are your outlaws have Skype? If not set it up so they can see the children without them ( the children) ever leaving your home. My kids love talking to their grandparents o Skype. This way you only need to spend 10 minutes each week with them!!

Also inform school of who can and can't pick up your children. make sure they speak to you before any prior family pick ups.

As its gone 5pm here in Perth you should have some wine!!!

fromparistoberlin Sat 04-May-13 10:28:11

sweet FUCKING jesus OP!

oh your poor poor DH

how about a compromise, let her go this one time but (and work out behaviours they are likely to do!) say if they do x, y or z in front of DD she can never go again

they very likely will, and then you have reason to ban

I guess he want some moral support, and will it kill her to see some dysfunctionality???

jesus though!!!

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 04-May-13 10:35:10

DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren

The word "deserve" jars a lot. They have abused all rights with their past behaviour and aggressive verbal abuse. There is not a chance in hell that the weekend will be suitable for children. Your DH must have blinkers on.

I remember your thread from Christmas OP, and I'm glad your DH at least back you on this one, but it would be a firm NO from me in your shoes. Keep repeating it.

Your MIL is already name calling you and there's no way she will stop doing that in front of your child. She is obviously unscrupulous and will try and fill your DD's with all sorts of crap a young girl should never hear.

I hope this situation doesn't threaten your marriage. Show your DH this thread.

lisad123everybodydancenow Sat 04-May-13 10:41:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarianaTrench Sat 04-May-13 10:42:20

Keep DD away from them.

I keep my kids away from my MIL as her and her alcy boyfriend have two massive untrained Alsatians in their hovel of a house. I am open about why we will never visit them but have always said they are welcome to visit us instead. They never do as they think I'm a stuck up bitch because I don't like their hell hounds. I am delighted by this as it means I never have to see them.

Pigsmummy Sat 04-May-13 10:43:45

I remember your thread and suspected that you would encounter more madness from these people. Your DH should tell his mother that the situation as it is the best plan is for him to go on his own this time, next time he can take DD, when thing are calmer. (which they won't be and your DD won't go next time either). Your DH needs to understand that it isn't normal for children to be involved in their parents marital/sexual issues.

Misspixietrix Sat 04-May-13 10:48:46

Agree with everyone else, I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. I wouldn't be happy sending my dd into a situation which could potentially turn volatile again ~

bebopanddoowop Sat 04-May-13 11:06:26

What a horrible and tricky situation for you. I understand and totally agree with you that you don't want your DD to stay there, the problem is how to approach this with DH and grandparents.. I would suggest coming at the angle of rather than that you don't want her to be surrounded by these people at all (as true as that may be...) that you don't think it's an appropriate time - and perhaps after their problems with this other woman has passed then they can spend some quality undistracted time together instead of being in the middle of an argument. Perhaps suggest a daytrip - that way you're on neutral ground & can up and leave if things get too hairy! Good luck x

flippinada Sat 04-May-13 11:12:55

I remember your previous thread about the in laws from hell too.

Haven't read the entire thread but if anyone thinks yabu I will find several hats and eat them.

fromparistoberlin Sat 04-May-13 11:21:07

i have to say I have the most pity for her DH

and for OP too, don't get me wrong

the parental tie is strong, and it must be ever so hard from him

so I guess I am saying go easy, try and find a compromise and agree that if she sees X, Y or Z its a deal breaker, get HIM to define the type of behaviours that are deal breakers, not you IFSWIM????

your FIL sounds like that Philpott fucker OP, what a bloody mare

and as for LTB, jesus. zero sympathy for someone that has come from a background like this and has moved on and is thriving :-(

DameFanny Sat 04-May-13 11:22:23

<passes flippinada the salt and pepper> this is Mumsnet after all...

greenformica Sat 04-May-13 11:25:42

It's not appropriate. Can you imagine how heated things can get? Tell DH DS/DD cannot go until you have had several visits where they behaved appropriately.

Personally I would be cutting ties though and keeping my kids away.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 04-May-13 11:26:14

I am almost tempted to say YABU just for the hat eating promise wink

Tailtwister Sat 04-May-13 11:30:25

YANBU. There's no way I would even consider exposing my child to these people. They have proven themselves to be foul and untrustworthy and it's a real shame that your DH has to deal with that, but he needs to do the right thing and keep them away from his family. I'm sure in his heart of hearts he knows you are right.

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